One Of These Dudes Might Be The Father Of January Jones' Unborn Baby (But Probably Not)
And here we are again with another episode of "Who Co-Created The Fetus In January Jones' Womb?"
UsWeekly has already taken Jason Sudeikis' name out of the ring leaving Bobby Flay in there alone. There's also a chance that Ashton Kutcher's dumb fuck sperm made a wrong turn, got lost and finally found the right spot 10 years later. This is a possibility. But E! News got a tip from an unnamed source who claims that January Jones got down low messy with a dude she met on the set of X-Men: First Class. The source said that the man she did movie set sex with is the father of her child. That narrows it down to at least 200 possibilities! We're getting closer to knowing something that is totally not our business. YAY!
Now, I took a handful of candidates, analyzed their bios and came up with the scientific odds (that I yanked out of my ass) of them being the father. We're off!
Kevin Bacon (plays Sebastian Shaw)
Age: 52
Marital Status: Married to Kyra Sedgwick
Odds: 400-1 = You are NOT the father!
Matthew Vaughn (the director)
Age: 40
Marital Status: Married to Claudia Schiffer
Odds: 5-1 = You might be the father. Stay in your seat.
Jason Flemyng (plays Azazel)
Age: 44
Marital Status: MARRIED!
Odds: 1000-1 = We aren't even wasting our Southwest miles to fly you out for the show.
Nicholas Hoult (plays Beast)
Age: 21
Marital Status: Single and he might be dating that Jennifer Lawrence chick.
Odds: 36-1 = You can sit in the fourth row in the audience just in case we need you.
Michael Fassbender (plays Magneto)
Age: 34
Marital Status: Single.
Odds: 2-1 = You ARE the father! And if you are not the father, pull off them panties and I'll make you the father of my prostate baby.
Edi Gathegi (plays Darwin)
Age: 32
Marital Status: Unknown
Odds: 23-1 = January fucking wishes.
James McAvoy (plays Professor Charles Xavier)
Age: 32
Marital Status: Married with child!
Odds: 472 - 1 = You are NOT the father, because you know that if you were the father half of the female population would turn on you and you'd never work in any town again!
Oliver Platt (plays Man in Black)
Age: 51
Marital Status: Married with children!
Odds: 1-1 = Who can fucking resist?
Alex Gonzalez (plays Riptide)
Age: 31
Marital Status: Unknown.
Odds: 1-1 = See above.
According to results, the father is either Alex Gonzalez, Oliver Platt, Michael Fassbender, Matthew Vaughn, one of the production assistants, the dude who made omelets on Saturdays at craft services or none of them! Or maybe January really wants concrete proof that she's 1 degree away from Kevin Bacon. That will make her the life of every party. It's official! The Bacon did it!
And here's January Jones taking Baby Bacon to Houston's in Pasadena yesterday.
• 
When the baby comes out with a bad weave then y'all will believe me it's Piven.
Cornball Jones probably don't know who the daddy is. I can't wait to see this movie.
"Friday the 13th I'm a play Jason"
I just read that Michael Fassbender is still dating Zoe Kravitz and who can freaking blame him. Zoe may be a young thang but she seems 100 more sexy and interesting that JJ.
Sluts, I love you all dearly, but I will fight you all to the death for Michael Fassbender's affections. god he is so effing gorgeous...
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"Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee." - Dave Grohl
Dying over the brilliance of this post! I think Fassy is still dating Zoey Kravitz but I would not be surprised if he took time out of his busy being hot schedule to take a dive into January.
"Oliver Platt (plays Man in Black)
Age: 51
Marital Status: Married with children!
Odds: 1-1 = Who can fucking resist?"
I would have his babies in a heartbeat. (This is, of course, if he looked like he did in Disney's "The Three Musketeers." RAWR!
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"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.
I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."
She's not saying because she probably had sex with more than one married guy and she wants to make them all sweat thinking one of them's the baby's daddy.
I bet it's Claudia Schiffer's husband (was he the producer or director or something of the movie?).
barzzini
Another classic. Micheal Fassbender cant be the father. He's mine. Hot as fuck is right.
Submitted by HeddaHopper on Wed, 05/11/2011 - 8:12am.
This reminds me of one of those old movies from the 40's with Linda Darnell, where the wives all sit there worrying about some letter, and speculating about the scandalous girl who might have stolen one of their husbands, but they won't know until their husbands arrive at the club for dinner, and one of them isn't there because he left on a train with the cute girl.
I think January's sperm donor is married, else why the mystery. Unless it is the craft services omelette maker who's already rejected her.
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I don't know that movie but it reminds me of an Edna O'Brien short story. I figure Miss January just has no idea who it might be. I'm sure one or two of the suspects are "happily married."
Michael Fassbender was HOT AS FUCK as Rochester in Jane Eyre. He wasn't too bad in Inglourious Basterds either. I love a man in uniform yum!
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
i knew this was going to happen, this whore's pussy has been processed so much that she might have a married man's baby, i hope she goes on welfare and never gets work again
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http://tinyurl.com/69rcrqy
And we care for why? Another Hollywood slut is knocked up. Who cares. Probably by another married actor, who cares.
need a damn flow chart to follow this shit
aholes out there too cheap to use condom dumbass
baby daddy is prince hot ginge
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
Just pick out the guy with the most $$$ or power, and that's your man. She would have taken a clothes hanger to it otherwise.
Submitted by angel_i on Tue, 05/10/2011 - 10:19pm.
O, I think not! Angelina done got RICH, BITCH from homewrecking and buying foreign babies. But \she was already rich anyway from doing heroin, cutting herself, being bisexual and making out with her brother.
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When did Angelina last have a hit movie? Angelina is an exception in Hollywood because she has always been unpopular but in a way that people are intrigued by her, she is attractive and (was an) acclaimed actress. That coupled with the fact she re-invented herself as an ambassador.
What has January done in the last year? Had a Hit and Run, a publicized one night stand and now pregnant. The fact she really cannot act is evidence if any she has someone wrapped around her finger. She is ugly to boot.
Alicia Keys was allegedly passed up by the Grammys because she is a homewrecker. It's just the way it goes.
Submitted by HeddaHopper on Wed, 05/11/2011 - 8:12am.
I LOVE this. Thank you for charting it out so scientifically...
I think January's sperm donor is married, else why the mystery. Unless it is the craft services omelette maker who's already rejected her.
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Married, or unwilling to play "happy families" for a couple of years. A lot of these celebrity dudes seem to be taking that route when they accidentally make a baby. Ten years ago actors like Jude Law, Ryan Phillipe, and Benico Del Toro would have done a photo-op relationship and then made a break-up/co-parenting announcement. These days, celebrity males are like, "Call my lawyer and he'll set-up child support payments for you."
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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami
WhiskeyTango:
Hahahahahahaa!!!
She has no idea and she's playing games with all the guys she's fucked in the conception time period. She's also hoping they'll all demand a paternity test so she won't have to ask.
Stupid slut. If a sperm got in there to make you pregnant, other organisms can get in there to make you AIDS or herpes or what have you.
I would like to think their sperm mixed and the baby will be a super-douche!
http://www.lowbrowsophisticate.com/taunting/a-taunting-of-osama-bin-lade...
So that's why Arnold and Maria are divorcing!
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"Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee." - Dave Grohl
I LOVE this. Thank you for charting it out so scientifically...
This reminds me of one of those old movies from the 40's with Linda Darnell, where the wives all sit there worrying about some letter, and speculating about the scandalous girl who might have stolen one of their husbands, but they won't know until their husbands arrive at the club for dinner, and one of them isn't there because he left on a train with the cute girl.
I think January's sperm donor is married, else why the mystery. Unless it is the craft services omelette maker who's already rejected her.
Submitted by angel_i
O, I think not! Angelina done got RICH, BITCH from homewrecking and buying foreign babies. But \she was already rich anyway from doing heroin, cutting herself, being bisexual and making out with her brother.
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I had just finished dying laughing from MK's post when I read this. LMAO clearly we're all doing things the hard way. Praise the Lord and pass the brothers and heroin!
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
I bet Chaz knocked her up with her thumbpeen.
HIs.. shit.. I keep forgetting. He's a real boy now!
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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
I'm still going with Verne Troyer.
It better not be James McAvoy's. But then again who could blame her if it is?
She is hoping its Bobby Flay or someone who can get her another job after Madmen.
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"Bye, Whore" -MK
Awwwww, I missed Pin The Fetus On The Daddy. If it's McAvoy or Bacon I'm going to be very disappoint. I'll put $5 on evolving pussyhound, Fassbender. Whoever it is, he must have status enough to elevate January's or she would not be playing this "Peek-a-boo, guess who?" thing over her unexpected pregnancy.
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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami
SCREAMING WITH JOYOUS LAUGHTER at this entire post....
who knew that plain face january jones was pulling all sorts of dick from all corners of the planet...what are the odd she has NO clue who miracled that baby bump into her belly?
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Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent...
Luv how you break the bitch down to the obvious contenders.
xo
Rants, Thoughts & Merde
http://rantsthoughtsmerde.com/2011/05/10/keira-knightley-jon-stewart-pan...
This shit is exciting!!! I don't dislike her but she doesn't seem to be very smart judging by her horrible taste in men... She better not have gotten knocked up by a fucking reality tv chef!
I hope it's one of the hotties above, preferably the unmarried Fassbender.
Interesting to see that even men past their 20's and 30's don't have a problem to get cast for an action movie. If only this would be the case for women who then wouldn't play the mother or the motherly secretary/mentor but actually kick serious ass.
♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬
Rrridiaouw woo oo rrri-ou!
Boring chicks are always the biggest sluts. I don't know who these people are except Kevin Bacon, so I'll say it's him.
This whole post is halarious!
As I said before, definitely she was in a gangbang so of course she cant know who's the daddy.
Everytime I see her all I can think about is this interview she gave where she said she used to date Ashton Kutcher and he told her that he didn't think she was a very good actress and maybe she shouldn't try to pursue acting. THIS from the guy who was in Dude Where's My Car?!
Matthew Vaughn directed "Kick-Ass." (Y.E.S.!!!)
That is all.
Yes, a classic MK post, complete with breakdown and scorecards. I would genuflect, but my knees aren't what they used to be (something else I have in common with Shauna Sand and Charlie Sheen's goddesses).
January Jones is aggressively boring. She seems to pop up everywhere--on my tv, in fashion ads, in mags on the red carpet, etc.--and yet the more I see her, the more forgettable she becomes. It's almost amazing.
I think she's a bitch.
Won't name and can't name are two different things.
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©
Please anyone but my beloved Fassbender!!! She isn't dark enough for him anyways...but PLEASE NOT MY BELOVED FASSBENDER!!!!!
Bah, Houston's. If you're going to vastly overpay for a steak, Arnie Morton's is a better choice.
Oh January.
I have such love for this woman. Some say she's ditzy but I think she's just endearingly and clumsily goofing through Hollyweird and I absolutely love it.
It's not McAvoy because he's too pasty, reserved, and has a strangely dimpled ass (yeah I said it)
From the lineup pictures alone, I'm willing to bet it's the director. He looks like he smokes, drinks beer, makes a few skeezy jokes here and there...that's the kind of man January's toes curl for.
Maybe it's Gonzalez on looks alone.
But I HOPE & PRAY it's Fassbender so I can live vicariously through Ms. Jones. I'll never know what it's like to be filled up with his babies but if I had to hand his cock over to anyone...I guess January Jones' catching him in her mit isn't the worst thing in the world. Plus, it'd be a pretty baby for sure.
Don't circumcise if it's a boy, JJ!
Submitted by TimC on Tue, 05/10/2011 - 10:11pm.
January who? I just can't believe all the keystrokes MK just spent on this fetus thing. I only know who 1 of those guys is, and it's prolly been 25 years since I've seen one of his movies. At least speculate about baby daddies with bare nipples, please (coincidentally the only one with bare nipples is the only one I recognize. OK, I guess that's not coincidental at all).
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Co-sign everythng but "January who?" (hey, I have Netflix!). Is this REALLY important? BIG FUCKING YAWN!
Hahahaha, this post is a true MK classic!
That baby better not look like Michael Fassbender when it's pushed out! Please look like Bobby Flay.
Word, Pincheborracha.
man this is so funny, this search rocks, i too wanna khow who the dady daddy is...
And yeah - this is all so very 1960 isn't it? Miss January Jones is having a baby but she won't say who the father is. Scandalous single motherhood! That's prolly why the high hair is coming back...it's all tied into this baby...2012, bitches! (That's the new day, right?)
♥ Threadkilla!
Pose Like a Chola:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUWN3wBUGr8
That baby better not look like Michael Fassbender when it's pushed out! Please look like Bobby Flay.
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I'M DONESVILLE!
Nourish the Inner Asshole
Borrachas of the world unite and take over!
Submitted by bexicle on Tue, 05/10/2011 - 9:39pm.
Whether it was intentional, or not. Her deliberate secrecy is making this into an media exaggerated problem and it will taint her bankability for producers.
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O, I think not! Angelina done got RICH, BITCH from homewrecking and buying foreign babies. But \she was already rich anyway from doing heroin, cutting herself, being bisexual and making out with her brother.
♥ Threadkilla!
Pose Like a Chola:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUWN3wBUGr8
January who? I just can't believe all the keystrokes MK just spent on this fetus thing. I only know who 1 of those guys is, and it's prolly been 25 years since I've seen one of his movies. At least speculate about baby daddies with bare nipples, please (coincidentally the only one with bare nipples is the only one I recognize. OK, I guess that's not coincidental at all).
HALE NO. If it's Fassy, I am going to have to cut a bitch.