Time To Feel Old

The year Dakota Fanning was born, some of us we were watching a speeding white Bronco on our GoldStar televisions in between sipping on Citra soda and choosing which free Vhs movies we want from Columbia House. And now look what Dakota Fanning did yesterday. File this under: Things that make a white hair sprout out of my ear hole (right after “bringing a sweater with me to the movie theater” and “saying ‘yes” to car rental insurance“).

Popeater reports that 17-year-old Dakota Fanning turned her tassel and threw her cap up with her fellow high school graduates at the Walt Disney Concert Hall in L.A. yesterday afternoon. Dakota actually earned a real high school diploma and not a GED she got from writing down the answers her tutor whispered into her earpiece because she was too busy doing tequila shots off of Colin Farrell’s nutsack to study.

Dakota is supposed to start college at NYU this fall.

NOOOOO. NOOOO. And NOOOOOO. This is not supposed to happen. Hollywood scientists were supposed to keep Dakota Fanning a little girl forever. Because when Dakota grows, the reality that we’ll all be massaging each other’s achy anuses with Icy Hot gets closer. A young Dakota Fanning was the real fountain of youth. Actually, since I put it that way. Rubbing each other’s achy anuses doesn’t sound that bad. You get the Icy Hot and I’ll grab my sweater.