"Stay In The Car, Bitch!"
A long time ago I was dating this total asshole who was hotter than me in all ways, drove a better car, was liked by all, made more money, had nicer towels, was never the recipient of an EWWW face by a nurse when he took off his clothes for an exam and was basically the kind of piece of shit who could anything he wanted by winking and flexing his perfectly shaped 8.5" peen. I truly believed that he was only dating my ass, because he made a bet with his friends that he could transform me into winning Mr. Gay West Hollywood or some other kind of beauty pageant. I should've known something was amiss when he took me shopping and made me try on a bunch of outfits at a rapid speed to a Roy Orbison song. Anyway....
One weekday afternoon, we were driving around his immaculately detailed BMW when he got a call from his office that they needed him to stop by and sign a few things. A look of fear, not unlike the one Mel Gibson makes when he accidentally drives into a Hasidic community, plastered across his face and he swallowed hard like his saliva was made of nails. We drove to his office in silence and he told me it was only going to take him less than 10 minutes so I should just wait in the car. Bastard parked way too far from the office,took the keys and skipped off toward the building.
As I sat there like an overheated dog waiting for its owner to return, I realized that I had been dating the bitch for three weeks and I had only met one of his friends and never stayed the night. That's also when I looked at the building and noticed they had an air-conditioned lobby and waiting room. THIS BITCH didn't want his co-workers to know that he was waving his Adonis dick in the face of a homely, skinny gay with bad highlights! I should've stomped in there and caused a scene, but I really wanted his eighth world wonder wang to stomp on my b-hole later on in the night, so I kept my lips shut. Sigh. It was one of the only times in my lifetime that I regretted being a dumb slut with no self-respect.
Well, that's basically what Jennifer Aniston did to Justin Theroux at last night's Horrible Bosses (aka The Workplace Bad Teacher) premiere in L.A. The paps say that Justin stayed in the car while Aniston worked the carpet. Once she was done, Justin slid in through the backdoor to sit with her in the theater. This move actually surprised me a bit. Jennifer wants the world to know that she's finally got a man! So I figured that a completely clothes-less Justin Theroux would show up wearing only a naked Jennifer Aniston frontpack that attached to his peen. That Aniston! Always full of surprises!
Here's more pictures of all the hos who got to show their faces while Justin had to hide his in the car: Aniston, Chelsea Handler, Joey with Andrew Lawrence, Alyssa Milano, Jason Bateman with Amanda Anka, Jenna Elfman with some elf and Jason Sudeikis.
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Hahaha! I love those stories! exact thing happened to me. The dick will make you put up with a lot
Submitted by from athens on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 12:39pm.
okay she is not the best actress in the world,or the most beautiful and personally i feel that something in the milk ain't clean,when it comes to her relationships,but she has the magical thing called likeability and she knows it and works it.
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Agreed 100%
Longest. Story. Ever.
Did MK pen this one?
I've never been accused of being ugly, but I swear I get that feeling every time I date a really, really good looking guy! I'm all like "Hmmm.... what's his angle?"
Twisted!
You were too good for him, MK!
We've all dated assholes, and they can all totally fuck off.
I dated this disgusting pig out of boredom and convenience when I was in high school. We were only together a few months. He did this we-can't-act-like-we're-together-in-front-of-people shit and I didn't quite get what was going on at the time, but now I can see he was a complete douchebag. I hope right about now he's, you know, stepping into shit or something. It's what he deserves.
Dude may have had a big dick MK, but he also was a big dick. So many of us would give our left nalga to be with you, FOOL!! xoxo
"Revenge is sweet and not fattening"
-Alfred Hitchcock-
If this story is true, then FUCK that bitch, Jen Alone-iston. Your movies suck and you should/deserve to be alone.
Ms. Aniston is going to be 'over the moon' any day now.
I seriously could not stop laughing when I read the 'stay in the car, bitch' story. Because like everyone else on this board, I've been there. Oh MK, baby cakes, you were way too good for that big dicked closet case. Natural facts.
I think Jennifer A. is generally inoffensive and I think Justin T. is hot as fuck, so godspeed JA. And Christ on a crutch, Chelsea Handler is one old-looking trick. I mean, damn.
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If love had a dick I would eff with it. But it doesn't (it has a no crotch like Barbie).
Just like MK's tale, this story bothers me. If you're having an actual relationship, it's all in. If you're dropping bombs about moving in together and buying giant engagement rings, you're all in. You can't pick and choose the events your mate is part of.
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"if you're not wearing a shirt in your main facebook photo, you look like a douchebag. only trying to help you." (Brian Cano, SF, CA)
Submitted by TimC on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 1:56pm.
MK must have been a slow learner. But he was right to put up with it all for the sex even if he had to be a down low ho. This reminds me of when he and his rich asshole trick ran into someone from the trick's office and the guy pretended MK was... his secretary or something, I forget. I wonder if it was the same guy.
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Oh yeah...the guy introduced him to a friend as his business associate. All of MK's stories are awesome.
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Menage a NO! NO! NO!-MK
so that big dick closet case only drove a beemer, no biggie, they drive mercedes as taxis in europe.
i dont date the guy unless he drives maserati or porsche or something that calibre. i like to be a euro trash.
No way MK. You know you're fine. Beemer man was probably in the closet or sumthin.
Yeah, Chelsea's outfit is horrific. She makes enough money to hire a stylist. Looks like she woke up drunk and wrapped herself in a bed sheet.
Jen looks like Julianne Hough's older sister - esp in thumb #3.
Her outfit is awful, but not as bad as Chelsea's satin nightie thingy. The peeking black bra is pure trash.
That was hilarious. Yes I can relate to this story.
MK you know you hawt!
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'Those of you lucky enough to have your lives, take them with you. However, leave the limbs you've lost. They belong to me now'-BK
Submitted by wildflower509 on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 1:18pm.
Jennifer was so considerate of the other stars of Horrible Bosses as well as the film being the center of the paparrazi's attention which she proved by asking her boyfriend, Justin Theroux, not to walk the red carpet with her. Some actors would disrespect the film and it's cast by claiming the spotlight on the red carpet of a film they had no part
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Absolutely correct ! Sooo unlike Jolie, who in the beginning of their relationship, never shyed away from causing a hoopla at a Premiere. She has stolen the thunder from so many of Pitt's cast mates as well as her own . She makes it all about her while the rest of the cast takes a back seat. Benny Buttons comes to mind ... as does Inglorious Bastards. I never remember seeing pics of the cast of Wanted or Salt - come to think about it. Hate red carpet hogs.
This story is classic and just what I'd expect. I hope he takes his pride and dumps her. I bet the seamstress would take him back (with conditions for a few...).
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"if you're not wearing a shirt in your main facebook photo, you look like a douchebag. only trying to help you." (Brian Cano, SF, CA)
Submitted by angry_secretary on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 2:49pm.
http://dlisted.com/node/42530/images/Horrible_bosses_premiere_18_wenn342...
"no, but my ex-bf's new girlfriend is." - Theroux's ex after seeing that poster.
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Love, love, love Charlie Day. I would totally sexually harass him.
A. Maybe that guy left you in the car MK because he was in the closet at work not because he was ashamed. We know you ain't ugly.
B. MK's stories rock because they are relateable but funny as hell when he tells them. He ain't no GOOP.
C. I would love for MK to have a "Whore's Corner" like another poster suggested. That would be a great one for guest posters too.
D. We all know Justin was just hotboxing in the car and Jen couldn't get him out.
Submitted by agirl on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 1:46pm.
Also MK stop lying about being uglay. We have all seen pics of you (although not of the nude verificatia variety, at least I haven't, unfortunately) and we know you are teh hotness.
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I'd tap that.
It's all fun and games until Wino gets to the gates of purgatory and slurs out, "HELLO, ATHENS!" ----MK
Dear God, the HAIR. Why can't this bitch get a decent hairstyle?
I love your stories, MK.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_u7VGiMO0U
MK your story reminds me of one of mine. A long time ago, (ok last week) I started sleeping with the new IT guy from work. I had just ended a relationship (no, he dumped me) said he needed to focus on his career. (He works the nightshift at a gas station). I need a confidence boost. So for a couple weeks (days) he courted me (by courting I mean he grabbed my ass, tried to finger me in the mail room, and called me his cum hungry slut) which is how I like to be pursued. Finally after months of this (2 days to be exact) he said the sweetest thing. He came up behind me so very gently and whispered "I wanna ram it in your a**" of course this made my heart skip a beat. I suggested a hotel but stating he only had 20 minutes we rushed to his car like young lovers (or like a poverty stricken receptionist and an IT superintendent). After our day of passion (more like 7 minutes) we were inseperable and often met in the stock room and often his office. Sometimes behind the building. One day he said "I wish I could take this off and just cum in you." Me being a refined lady said"just put it in my b-hole!" To this he said something along the lines of : I can't my wife and I want a baby and if I give you my juice its like I'm betraying her. Ok but having no-no sex does not by any stretch count as betrayal. I should of known better I mean he once said if he wanted vaginal sex he would stay home.
Handler looks like shit and her dress too
http://dlisted.com/node/42530/images/Horrible_bosses_premiere_18_wenn342...
"no, but my ex-bf's new girlfriend is." - Theroux's ex after seeing that poster.
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"I'm gonna end up back in the gutter, sucking meth for cock." - drunk Naomi in Still Waiting...
"Wrist full of colorful rubberbands!" - album reviewer extraordinaire Khia
quite fittingly...
http://j.mp/f89sny
Thanks Stefy Stef - i am enjoying all the postings this week. I am reading the posts first and then trying to guess who wrote it before checking the name of the poster.
Fucking ex husbands....they can all rot in a pile of shit in hell.....
"Sure, I like a cocktail every now and again. And the last I checked, it was now".
Submitted by agirl on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 1:42pm.
Mk I want to hear more of your story!
I love MK's stories like an abuelita loves her "stories".
Are Sweetas and Jack no longer posting?
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@agirl: Yes, they are still posting.
Sweetas just posted a lovely post about Charliez Theron and I thought it was Michael K, but it was too sweet and nice to be Michael K and someone pointed out to me that I was giving credit to the wrong person.
I forgot that Michael K has venom in those veins and he write truth with brutal honesty. That's why I keep coming back- I love the brutality. *LOL*
As Rihanna sang in her song, S&M:
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me
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All together now: FUCK MY LIFE. - The One-and-Only Michael K- 6/17/11
Submitted by stefystef on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 1:23pm.
Yes, @Lucifer_Sam, I could totally see you as Mr. 8.5inches. *LOL* Nobody put 8.5Inches in a corner! *LOL*
Hahaha ;-)
Chelsea and Jennifer should have got their roots did first. Do Jen's roots look grey to anyone else?
MK must have been a slow learner. But he was right to put up with it all for the sex even if he had to be a down low ho. This reminds me of when he and his rich asshole trick ran into someone from the trick's office and the guy pretended MK was... his secretary or something, I forget. I wonder if it was the same guy.
Don't take it personally, MK. If I was 'that way', you would be right there on my list with chrissy crocker....
Dude probably had a wife at home of the female variety and was holding his facade together.
I love Chelsea and she looks great, but that friendship with Aniston is not going to last long. Chelsea's got a big mouth and one of these days, she'll make a crack that will turn them into mortal enemies forever.
You mark my words...
@ Jack - cool!
*slaps Jacko on the ass and orders him back into the bedroom where he belongs*
Also MK stop lying about being uglay. We have all seen pics of you (although not of the nude verificatia variety, at least I haven't, unfortunately) and we know you are teh hotness.
agirl - later this afternoon.
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Anyone can get screwed, its not rocket science.
Submitted by kate773 on Thu, 06/23/2011 - 11:06am.
Mk I want to hear more of your story!
I love MK's stories like an abuelita loves her "stories".
Are Sweetas and Jack no longer posting?
Michael, you should at least have gone through his glove box for clues to who he really was (I'm thinking married) anyway he sounds like a total POS and you are better off without him.
You should have snuck three tail-on shrimp into his door panel as a little going away present...the gift that keeps on giving!
I think that's so awesome that Jason Bateman brought his grandma.
HoneyChild...please!!!
MK, the reason why you should write a book about your escapades is that we'd all be ass deep in a couch,eating popcorn, chips, twinkies, ho hos, and drinking colas from a straw (so as not to stain our teefs) while reading your words and shaking our heads so much that we'd need neck braces because EVERYONE IN HERE can relate to probably every kinda fuckery that is yours.
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On another note, who fucked the fuck out of Handler's face. DAYUM!
I love how even when attending an A-list movie premiere and following the Hollywood trend of getting knocked up in 2010, Alyssa Milano still seems irrelevant, despite her 'Remember Me? Yeah, me.' Pose. By irrelevant I mean if you don't watch Lifetime movies on a regular basis or 45 minute long infomercials. but I'm sure that trick will get an In Touch cover. Ughhhh.
I don't blame him. MK is definitely a Datsun hatchback sort of person, not suitable for high floors.
You make me hate my hips! I hate my hips!
MK, he could have left the car running with the AC on for you. What a big dick!
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www.theanimalrescuesite.com - Click everyday to help animals in shelters
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 1:17pm.
Yes, @Lucifer_Sam, I could totally see you as Mr. 8.5inches. *LOL*
Nobody put 8.5Inches in a corner! *LOL*
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All together now: FUCK MY LIFE. - The One-and-Only Michael K- 6/17/11
Chelsea Handler's face ruined this premiere. That's probably why Aniston invited her. She's like, "I need someone who will make me look really pretty in comparison."
Jennifer was so considerate of the other stars of Horrible Bosses as well as the film being the center of the paparrazi's attention which she proved by asking her boyfriend, Justin Theroux, not to walk the red carpet with her. Some actors would disrespect the film and it's cast by claiming the spotlight on the red carpet of a film they had no part in.
Submitted by stefystef on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 1:04pm.
There is not a SINGLE PERSON out there who cannot relate to this story.
I don't relate.
Then again, I'm more likely to be 8.5 than MK in this scenario, ha!
Holy flyaway, batman...homegirl needs some moisturizing conditioner, STAT.
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""There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular." - Lady Gaga
Looks like her hormones are kicking in.
I suspect Aniston is the most famous closeted lesbian in the world.
Also, somewhere out there Theroux's old girlfriend is sitting on a couch going 'uncool, Jen, uncool'.
YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THAT ASSHOLE MK
Anyway, I'd make Justin Theroux sit on the car while I flaunted myself on the red carpet so for once I can't hate on Maniston.