Hot Slut Of The Day!
The Drunk Moose of Sweden!
That glazed look in the eye like all she wants it to watch a Golden Girls re-run on her couch and those lips that look like they’re craving that crack salt McDonald’s puts on their fries could only mean only thing: ho is tanked. And that she is. A man in Sweden was sitting in his house on Tuesday when his ears heard the sound of some beast grunting and hooves sweeping the grass in his neighbor’s garden. At first he figured it was just Trace Cyrus trying to escape fatherhood, because when the noises continued he went outside and found a sight Matthew Broderick usually sees in his backyard whenever he fills the liquor cabinet with Absolut Carrot. The man found a drunk ass moose kicking her legs around while stuck in a tree.
It’s a bitch when all you want to do is have some boozed up fun and a stupid tree won’t let you do that. It’s also a bitch when the paps get a pantyless ass shot of you when you’re all vulnerable and shit.
Just like my party friend Fat Boy before her, the moose ate too many fermented apples, got Mel Gibson drunk and somehow ended up between a tree and a hard place. The police had to saw off tree branches to free Paz de la Moosa. Once they got her free, she fell to the ground and thought about her life choices and how it’s a damn shame she can’t hold her fermented apples. The man says that Moosey is now eating disco fries in the garden, waaah-ing about how the light is too bright and has already turned down an offer to appear on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Animal Rehab on Animal Planet.
You know, I guess getting stuck in a tree is the drunk moose version of passing out in a front yard bush. And I guess getting sawed out of a tree by the police is the drunk moose version of getting woken up by sprinklers or the sounds of brat children going to school. It happens to the best of us. Also, my ass has been partying at the wrong places. Fuck my own living room and HoJo’s, it’s all about getting boozed up in the fermented apple orchard.
via The Guardian