Kirstie Alley Has Lost 100 Pounds, So Says Kirstie Alley

Just like that dude on Craigslist who tells you that he’s got an 8.5 incher with the girth of Neptune’s pinched nipple, Kirstie Alley’s sense of measurement is about as off as her sense of sanity. Shortly after the fat thetans started to belly flop off of her body during Dancing with the Has-Beens, Kirstie said she was a size 4, then she said she was a size 2, then she said that her retinas have gotten so skinny that she can’t even see the dress labels anymore, but she’s pretty sure she can only fit into size zeros that have been cut in half and vacuum sealed.

And during an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Kirstie told that the re-worked robotic clone of John Tesh named Mark Steines that she has dropped 10 dress sizes (cut to Kirstie minutes before dropping 10 dress labels onto the floor so you can’t say she’s lying) and is now 100 pounds lighter. Kirstie’s personal e-meter in her cubby hole at the Scientology Center just grew eyes so it can side-eye this heffa. Kirstie said this:

“I’ve lost 100 pounds. I feel like I’m back in my element and not wearing a suit, a bad suit. And I honestly didn’t even realize what I looked like too much. Right before I did Dancing with the Stars, I bought these dresses in size 14 to 4, the same dress, and I said, ‘You know what I really want? I really want to be in this dress in a 4.’

The chunk didn’t melt off of Kirstie Alley’s body (it was later poured into an empty pasta sauce jar and stored in a cabinet next to the Scientology men’s sauna for future lube use) with help from the appetite-suppressant known as working as John Travolta’s booty hole groomer for the week.

Kirstie says she owes everything to Organic Liaisons, the Scientology-approved weight loss program she came up with. Uh huh, the only liaison you’ve had is with a lapband, bitch, but I’ll let that one pass since Kirstie made my night last night by coming out on the catwalk at the Zang Toi looking like Xenu in first time drag complete with a bacon basket weave. Burn up that barley, Kirstie!