Brad Pitt Doesn’t Think His Marriage To Jennifer Aniston Made Him A Fake Bore

Yesterday, Brad Pitt became Douchehole of the Day in some people’s eyes and became an even higher god to the Brangeloonies when he beat the dead horse skeleton known as his marriage to Jennifer Aniston by telling Parade: “It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage (to Aniston) had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

The halo over Brangelina must never be smudged so Brad is now saying that his words were misunderstood and being married to Jennifer Aniston didn’t transform him into a puddle of watery cold stoned grits. Brad is just naturally like that! Brad borrowed one of his kid’s sensitivity chip, stuck it between his forehead wrinkle and then said this to Reuters about how his words were misinterpreted:

“It grieves me that this was interpreted this way. Jen is an incredibly giving, loving, and hilarious woman who remains my friend. It is an important relationship I value greatly. The point I was trying to make is not that Jen was dull, but that I was becoming dull to myself — and that, I am responsible for.”

For Brad, the simple lesson to be learned (and programmed into his internal filtration system) here is: Keep your mouth on Angie Jo’s asshole and keep that Jennifer Aniston mess out of it.

The other lesson to be learned here is that Brad should’ve just said “GO SEE MONEYBALL OUT ON SEPTEMBER 23RD!” on a loop since that’s pretty much the only point he truly wanted to get across during that interview. The end.