Open Post: Hosted By Shit Black Girls Say
First came Shit Girls Say, then came Shit Gay Guys Say and now whether you like it or not here's Shit Black Girls Say as performed by Rick James Bitch Billy Sorrells as Peaches. This shit is eerily like a weekend with my cousins. This would be exactly like a page out of Shit Michael K's Cousins Say if it smelled like Strawberry Suave Shampoo and Peaches also blurted out the following lines:
"What do you mean you don't have Mountain Dew?""Put more volume! I can't hear!"
"And?"
"Pick me up some Pampers."
"How many minutes you got left on your phone?"
"Go smoke that shit over there, I've got AquaNet in my hair.""Pinche! The blow dryer just blew out a circuit again!"
"Pause the movie, I gotta go cash my check at Walmart."
"The guy at Walmart said I look like Salma Hayek."
"Dame la Vaseline."
Oh, and this list would not be complete without my cousins' response for everything: "Ewww, you swear, bitch!"
via Best Week Ever
• 
"Pinche! The blow dryer just blew out a circuit again!"
That was me last Friday and this past weekend...please gimmie a Hair Dryer for x-mas!
I am obviously overly white-matized...I read that last one as Dame Vaseline, à la Dame Judy Dench...
It's been at least a week since there was a thread about the difficult brown. I'm impressed with y'all for showing this much restraint. Tee hee.
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"We are here on earth to do good for others.
What the others are here for, I don't know."
W.H. Auden
Submitted by yoboo on Mon, 12/19/2011 - 8:18am.
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Don't come on here with that bullshit. Don't even start that...I hate when ppl do that well the black people I know or the the Mexicans that I've seen....you know whatever the next line is is going to be some offensive shit. You know what the white people I come in contact with on a daily basis are racist pricks however I am smart enough to know that not ALL white people are like that and therefore don't the ones that I know or see on a daily basis determine how all white people are. Dlisted is a fun place where we make fun of everyone but don't start this racist bullshit just DON'T.
speaking of crazy gays when does the new season for rupauls drag race begin?
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"The world is a pretty nice place if you're happy"
John Garfield
No one lives forever
You don't even have to pay for written porn either. literotica.com is free and has some great stories. Some are total flops, but there are quite a few great ones.
PS- I think GG means the kind of difficult brown that me and PSL won't participate in. LOL
Shut it, yoboo.
Either the world you live in is miniscule or your neighborhood is awful or both because most of the black women I know that live near me are married with at least an undergraduate degree. Most have graduate degrees, from top schools no less.
Contrary to popular beliefs, black women do get married, just when they are a bit older.
By the way, the behavior you describe applies to a lot of young women, not just black women.
That is really unfunny. I didn't even come close to a smile reading any of those. I dont know about othee places butthe black girls in my area are vain, shallow uneducated gold diggers who spend tons of money and time on their appearance. Some are gorgeous, none are smart. The ones who aren't like that are always yelling at everyone, repeating themselves, or beating their kids (fathers are never in the picture.)
"shit girls say" was funny. the rip-offs... not so much.
"shit gays say" was boring and this "black girls" doesn't do anything for me, not to mention that half of the lines are are actually taken from the original
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 11:29am.
Chapped Ass, everyone knows you are Bacon Slut. AND Pip, and 680 other screen names. I was not starting anything, just stating what bullshit was there.
Good morning, and STFU.
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If you're around somewhere...
I've known you a long time here. SOOOO I was talking to pip/dot last night? The fack?
WHAT THE HELL is this "everyone knows" shit? I don't fucking know. Who is "everyone"?
I'M the one who's usually outing HER ass.
This sounds like some FB-related bullshit. I love dlist but I'm not into that cagey who knows whoM shit.
Argggg. I'm going to bed. Ruined a good buzz.
.
.
Just popping in to say hi. Hope everyone had a nice weekend.
The poster formerly known as Snow Owl formerly known as Night Owl!
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Mon, 12/19/2011 - 12:26am.
PS - I had the difficult brown yesterday :/
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Oh NAO!!!! Glycerin suppositories are a godsend. So sorry about that. Constipation is scary as hell. :( Night! I hope you feel better. It's probably holiday stress.
I am going to take you good peoples advise and seek out better porn like those you've suggested. Thank you all again.
Going to bed now.
PS - I had the difficult brown yesterday :/
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 11:25pm.
"The difficult brown"...GOD that phrase. I can't. I hope Sinead's new husband is giving her lots of attention in that area.
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I can't even think of sex when I hear that phrase. I think of either trying to make decent homemade Fudgesicles or having really severe constipation. Obviously number one is a better choice over number TWO.
Gardening Girl, the best porn is in the written word. The imagination is far better than anything I've seen put on celluloid. Judith McNAught novels are the shit. I want to see "Something Wonderful" made into a mini-series. I would totally cream my pajama jeans over that!
"The difficult brown"...GOD that phrase. I can't. I hope Sinead's new husband is giving her lots of attention in that area.
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Never question Bruce Dickinson!
PSL- I am with you. I am not down with the difficult brown.
Gah! I know I'm late commenting on the bolt-ons mike posted, but good lord, how can I not?! I feel like any time that chick's upper body moves, her nips google around like Muppet eyes. I just can't with cut rate surgery. I'd rather let gravity win than risk looking like a dipshit with googly tetas.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 9:26pm.
No butt sex for me. Ever.
To those who enjoy it, all the power to you. Ain't happening with me.
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Somewhere in Ireland, Sinead is very dissappointed in you being afraid of the "difficult brown" XD XD XD
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"Sal, darling, you are the reason some women go gay. ♥" - Submitted by Dog on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 6:32pm.
"life is precious, you must not have watched The Lion King, you heartless fuck"
No butt sex for me. Ever.
To those who enjoy it, all the power to you. Ain't happening with me.
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What kind of fuckery are we?
Nowadays you don't mean dick to me
I might let you make it up to me...
-Amy Winehouse
Submitted by mike on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 9:17pm.
Kim Jong II of North Korea is dead.
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Okay, first pr0n, and now you're posting news! Dude, you are awesome. Back to being "normal" again. :)
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"Sal, darling, you are the reason some women go gay. ♥" - Submitted by Dog on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 6:32pm.
"life is precious, you must not have watched The Lion King, you heartless fuck"
Ima aks U one mo time.
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You don't know me - not 4 real you don't.
mike:
what a boner-killer!
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©
Capi, there are just some peens where you have to draw the line. Although i had butt-sex in the past, my husband is just no candidate for it. Sometimes physics just don`t work out. We tried, drunk, sober, lubed up like some buttered lobsters, there may have been a will, but there was no way...
Well, aren't you just the cosmopolitan Queen Bee of Cuntsville? No, I'm sorry, of "Cuntropolis". Please excuse us in all of our inbred grandpa fucking glory. Karen Flatts, 09/21/11
Mike, I just saw that, too. I would say N. Korea is better off, but it's probably an out of the pan/into the fire type situation.
mike, I saw that. Sad, eh? *pfft*
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What kind of fuckery are we?
Nowadays you don't mean dick to me
I might let you make it up to me...
-Amy Winehouse
Submitted by mike on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 9:17pm.
Kim Jong II of North Korea is dead.
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Why he no raise roof?
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Kim Jong II of North Korea is dead.
Damnit How did I not think of the Beano?! Thanks, but I don't think I'll be doing butt-tipping anytime soon. Or, at least til next week. fml.
On that sore note, gnite/gmorning all. Damnit to hell it is Monday tomorrow for us ECers. *sulks and stomps to bed cursing like a toddler*
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"...The only real gift that we have is our own independent intelligence..." Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011
Amy Winehouse, 1983-2011 - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ludxpkyrab0
Cap6 The Asperger:
Like Monique said...
you have to relax ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL your muscles.
And pop a Beeno beforehand, slut!
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©
Okay, gonna contribute here, maybe I did a just-the-tip-butt-poke previously and maybe my butt had farty issues and soreness for about 4 days. Maybe TMI, maybe not. All I know is I think maybe my ab muscles bounce back in maybe half the time the butt "muscle" does. *cries*
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"...The only real gift that we have is our own independent intelligence..." Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011
Amy Winehouse, 1983-2011 - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ludxpkyrab0
Personally, I wouldn't believe anything Dr. Laura says. The woman is a total gay hating fascist.
Oops, I see now that the Dr. in subject was Dr. Drew. Still, that doesn't seem right to me...
Submitted by Bjork You on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 8:31pm.
Submitted by Event Horizon on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 8:15pm.
I would hate to be a fluffer for one of those 1000 men gangbang movies...
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A paycheck is a paycheck.
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Must be how prostitutes think before they hit the stroll...
"This guy has warts and smells like vinger, but...a paychecks a paycheck"
b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b
Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, I won't trust a hoe. Won't trust me.
Event Horizon/beakersbitch:
That's not true. The anus is a muscle just like others, and if exercised it does snap back into shape. How do you think people that fist are able to live ordinary lives?!
And there are tons of more stories like that, and my stories are never so much about the sex, persay, as to what leads UP to it. ;)
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©
@PSL- the only way I can tell if I'm gaining weight is by if my pants don't fit anymore. Once I start getting into the double digit zone, I know it's time to start running after work and making some weight watchers recipe meals...
I find if I stick to a steady workout and diet regime, I'm back to my normal size within the month so it's not that had, for me at least, to stay in shape...
b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b
Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, I won't trust a hoe. Won't trust me.
I'm a gay guy and the best sex I've had has mostly been with bi-guys. I don't know if it was a coincidence or if women trained them to be attentive partners. At any rate, I would never turn my back on some bi dude lovin'.
Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 7:29pm. Why do bi-sexuals get shunned by straights and gays. THey love everyone. JELLIS H8RS
@Breakdown
XD
LOVED...that story!
But I have a question, I used to listen to loveline and dr. drew would always say that anal sex wasn't a good idea because unlike the vagina, the anus stretches out over time and wont snap back to its original shape...is this true? I love having sex and it would suck if all of a sudden my vag started getting loose after the 100th fuck..
b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b
Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, I won't trust a hoe. Won't trust me.
Submitted by TheBreakdown on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 8:17pm.
I like this one. Heaux up or blow up! Next time, paste one just up to the fucky times and make them buy the book to read the rest. <3
guest, there ya go! don't go by numbers....it will make you crazy. Just look in the mirror, and go by the way your clothes fit. YOU know when you look better. :) xoxoxox
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Insane in da membrane
Insane in the brain
Insane in da membrane
Insane in the brain
Psl doll...lol...I saw your pic on picture day remember?! & you are tiny.
Been doing the treadmill 3 miles @ 3mph a couple three times a week plus I cut out cokes. This has never been my experience before when I've lost weight so I was wondering wth.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Submitted by Event Horizon on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 8:15pm.
I would hate to be a fluffer for one of those 1000 men gangbang movies...
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A paycheck is a paycheck.
guest, I don't know why you'd want my advice. I am HUGE and MANLY. (it fucking cracks me up, if that stupid bitch could only see my real size)..
have you been working out? Muscle tone will make you lose inches but not pounds. I usually go by how my clothes fit, not by numbers on the scale.
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Insane in da membrane
Insane in the brain
Insane in da membrane
Insane in the brain
Submitted by TheBreakdown on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 7:43pm.
Yes, we all are quite queer, sexuality is fluid. And then the whole racialization of it being called "down low."
It's hard for some people to face and deal with what they really desire.
This thread reminded me...I have an appointment for my monthly Brazilian tomorrow. I like to get the BF to do a "quality check" after, if I aint bein too subtle.
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You dumb bitch, I am home.-MK
I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with the donkey.
Heaux Confessionals:
The International Heaux-Off - America vs. Germany
Later in the night...
I was besieged by the trick that I allow to get away each and every time...for the past two years.
Marek has been after me almost since I moved to Berlin, but I have always resisted. Something always come up - traveling, a show, my nails. I've been giving him the runaround forever and a day, because I know that he just wants to verify if the stereotype about black men is true.
I know he knows it's true about me. Germans talk, like I've said. But I decide that I've made him wait long enough and tonight he will know first hand.
I arrive and Marek reiterates what every fag in Berlin already knows: he's a porn star. Make that porn 'actor', because if stars make such shit money as the ones in Berlin typically do (trust me, I did my research), then I don't ever want to be a fucking star.
Pun intended.
"Have you been to the States?", I asked.
"I went to Miami on a porn shoot, " Marek answered.
Oh great. Not only had he done porn in my country on his first visit, but he did it in one of the biggest non-cities. That is no place to go if you want to experience America proper. But then again, how proper can it be if you're naked for ten hours with fluffers hovering around you?
Another reason why I had never come by before was that we had never worked out the rules of engagement. I already knew he was packing a large tool. Well, so was I, and unlike him, thousands of people had not seen mine. At least not yet.
Am I supposed to be impressed that he makes his living in the porn industry? Judging from the looks of his flat, I shouldn't be. He should ask for a raise. And quite frankly, I could be a porn star. It's not like I have not been asked. I just don't care for the lack of commas in their paychecks in Berlin.
We get down to business. It was the international cock off.
Heaux up or blow up.
So there are two men in the room, six legs, and a quick trick assessment.
Hotness factor: dead heat
Assets: length is sometimes admired, but girth always prized.
Length is given, but girth is earned.
America 1, Germany 0
Assuming the position, one would assume he'd be used to such measurements since it is quite apparent that he can literally fuck himself. But that was not the case.
Power bottoms can be a hot commodity on the heaux totem pole. Marek was leaning dangerously close to a demotion. For a self-proclaimed porn star, he obviously had a lot to learn. I had not decided just yet if he was worthy of the knowledge I could bestow on him, but for now he would learn one of the trick essentials for wanting a roll in my homosexual hay.
Breathe.
He passed the test with flying colors, although not as sky high as others I'd had before. With an attachment like this, I was sure many a time he was a BBD: bottom by default. I was fucking him for all the people he'd tagged before who now relied on wheelchairs for mobility.
And afterwards, when I tell him that our session could have been on a hot porn DVD, he agrees, and I know that I will see him again. But there's a line, and he will be lucky if he jumps to the front of it, even in the desperation months I'm currently in.
Sexual chess.
Checkmate.
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©
I would hate to be a fluffer for one of those 1000 men gangbang movies...
b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b
Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, I won't trust a hoe. Won't trust me.
Little Rascal...can you imagine that on a resume...porn fluffer!! LMAO.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Submitted by guest on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 7:34pm.
Here's the one thing that mystifies me about porn men...they can go & go for like a really long time. When does that ever happen irl? Srsly. Do they take something?
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Perhaps, but there are some who can easily get and keep wood. (Susan Faludi wrote a great essay on men in porn, like TT Boy, in that book on masculinity.) Anyway, there are also fluffers, staff that get them and keep them hard.
unemployed_bum/guest:
Yeah, these younger guys (and girls) are using Viagra for some new high. Yes, it made my heart flutter a bit, but it was the visual fuckery that was the kicker. When I would look at a white wall, I would see these little blue dots everywhere. So the warning IS correct. Shit turns blue!
And for guest, and since it fits the thread, I will post a short story from my book ;)
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©
& GG!!! :))
Psl...if you're still here...you're the most in shape person 'I know'...so how is it possible to lose inches without losing pounds? My clothes are loose but my weight hasn't gone down anymore.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Submitted by guest on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 8:00pm.
So viagra & editing. Thxs for the info men of dlisted! Now we know Weezy.
Breaky did it make your heart rate go crazy? What book?
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They also use fluffers on the set to get those hard-ons.