Things That Exist: The Real Fox Fur Merkin

Cindy Barshop, formerly of The Real Housewives of New York City and currently of The Real Asswipes of Old Douche City, has come up with the perfectly pointless thing for rich ladies who have always wanted to know what it feels like to have the coochie of a fox. For just $220+, Cindy’s team at her waxing salon Completely Bare will give you the newborn by waxing your punane until every part of it is touching air and then they’ll warm it up with a vagina wig made from real fox fur. It’s like a fur coat for your cooter and you it’s so luxurious that you won’t even care that after a long August day your crotch will smell like a herring taking a bath in a bowl of butt sweat at the bottom of a used bunny cage.

TMZ says that Completely Bare also offers a feathered merkin and the fur one comes in a bunch of colors including pink.

As my abuelita used to say, “Usted haga lo que quieras con tu chocha a y que voy a hacer lo que quiero con mi chocha.” (Okay, she never said that, but I wish she would’ve said that.) It’s your vagina, but do you really want a dead fox lying on your naked beaver? Mother Nature just punched the tears out of her eyes. Besides, that hot pink patch of furry fug looks like the scalped head of a troll doll. If you really want to see a troll doll going down on you when you look at your crotch, just get yourself a troll doll vibrator! Damn.

And PETA doesn’t have to worry about throwing red paint on all the fox fur merkins out there, because the wearer’s pussy will do it for them on a monthly basis.