Shakira Nearly Viciously Murdered By A Maniacal Seal!!

There's really nothing for me to add to this gripping as fuck tale of how Shakira's brother "Super Tony" bravely saved her from getting mauled to death by a seal, so I'll just let her tell you in her own words. How she can operate a keyboard after nearly getting murdered by a seal is beyond me. The woman is so..so..so...brave. From Shakira's Facebook (via People):

This afternoon I happened to see some sea lions and seals. I thought to myself how cute they were so I decided to get a bit closer than all of the other tourists and went down to a rock trying to pet them doing a baby talk while taking pictures... Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me. Everyone there screamed, including me. I was paralyzed by fear and couldn't move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother "Super Tony" jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast. We both got our hands and legs scratched by the rocks while trying to protect ourselves. I believe what happened is that it confused the shiny reflection of the blackberry I was taking these pics with, with some sort of fish. It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it. Wow! It's funny that only half an hour before I was complaining to my guide Andrew that I never get to see wild animals up close on adventurous trips. Oh well, I can't say that anymore!! Now I'm off to see some penguins! I hope they are a bit more friendly!

Seriously, is Shakira trying to make us believe that the seal mistook her BlackBerry for a damn fish? Shakira is basically calling that seal a dumb bitch! Shakira is leaving something out, I'm sure. I bet that Shakira started to serenade that seal and since her singing voice sounds like a hurt goat in trauma, the seal tried to eat her. Because seals obviously like to eat goats. Shakira is lying and that seal's good name must be cleared. Somebody drag Shakira's hips in for an interrogation since those motherfuckers always tell the truth.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by BitchHouse on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 12:40pm.

LOL@ Shakira 'impetuously' playing up the Shakira has a very high IQ/ Shakira is a Mensa member. Mensa" in mexicanese means dense, idiot ask El Chavo del 8.

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Eazy E's own prescription for "nourishing the inner aspect", Nutz On Ya Chin.

Submitted by Haribo on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 12:35pm.

indeedy! don't fuck with seals, with zebras and mastiffs! well, with any wild or stranger animal for that matter.

'We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.'

Submitted by Haribo on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 12:32pm.

and of course i agree that it was a damn stupid move on shakira's part. i dunno...one would hope people had more brains than that!

'We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.'

Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 12:32pm.

You know, living on the coast, we have seals, LOTS of seals. My family does our annual Año Nuevo elephant seal guided tour. The walking paths are roped off and you are to stay 100ft, if not more away from the animals. The tour guides make sure that is one is approaching, we get the fuck away, even if it means going through the roped off area.

Don't fuck with seals. Period.

Submitted by Haribo on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 12:29pm.

her english is dope!! i wish mine was 1/1000 as good as hers. as for the sea lion...damn! first the zebra biting off that chick's shoulder and now shakira got almost chewed up by a sea lion. it's getting scarier and scarier on dlisted!

'We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.'

Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 12:25pm.

Stupid ass. you don't pet a wild animal, much less one that weighs a ton and has sharp, flesh tearing teeth.

Submitted by Manimal5 on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 12:02pm.

I'd never fuck with a seal.

Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 10:30am.

her Engrish is pretty damn good, that's all I got

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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky

Submitted by clairey claire on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 10:09am.

Ok for real, she tried to pet a wild seal? What a dumb dumb

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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks

Submitted by Poopele on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 9:46am.

It was probably afraid she was going to start singing.

Submitted by Whatever on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 9:01am.

Keep a proper distance from wild animals. Idiot.

Submitted by Lily85 on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 8:54am.

It sounds funnier if you trade Seal the singer for seal the animal.
This story just sounds made up.

There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

Submitted by Skinnymalinky on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 8:38am.

Loose seal! Loose seal!!!! (thank you for allowing me to have an Arrested Development moment.)

Submitted by The Sunshine Gang on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 8:31am.

Sounds like a 19th century novel

Submitted by Das ist ein Dreck on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 8:18am.

I assume that was some mama seal protecting her offspring.

Now i won't diss Shakira for not understanding that. Though i will diss her for using a Blackberry in the year 2012 when everybody either has an iphone or an android phone. You outta the loop girlfriend.

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You got a lot of money, but you can't afford the freeway

Submitted by Chris Eccleston... on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 7:55am.

Submitted by sillykat on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 11:20pm.

Re her use of "impetuously"- ESL speaker ya'll

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As a former ESL teacher and current peruser of Craiglist personals, that was my first thought.

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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.

Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 7:41am.

Here cute little MONSTER TOOTHED seal, who's a good little seal hmmm, that's right come here so I can pe...... CHOMP YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Well you know how impetuous those seals can be! WTF!? Bwahaaaa, what a fucktard!

Was that the word of the day and the 9th of the 10 times she had to use it that day?

Submitted by EveryStrangersEyes on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 6:57am.

who would've thunk it?.. somebody that makes a living off of shaking their ass, being not the brightest of people.

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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."

Submitted by ItsBritneyBitches on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 6:27am.

BlackBerry thanks you for the advertisement!

Submitted by Stan Hooper on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 6:17am.

Based on this pic, I think Hollywood has their next slasher franchise since Chucky!!

That seal is headed for stardom!!!
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie

Submitted by Fizzy Lizzy on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 6:09am.

I'm never ever going to ever open up Dlisted mid food bite ever again! That photo is sooooo funny.

Submitted by watermethodgirl on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 6:04am.

1. I don't know what impetuously means.
2. Botox vein!
3. MK is the (platonic) love of my life.

Submitted by buttersparkle on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 5:27am.

Submitted by beakers bitch on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 9:19pm.

I used to live in Banff and we had dumbass tourists doing stupid shit all the time.

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..which is why they removed most of the elk ...
I admit, I once saw a family of raccoons and followed them too closely (the little ones are so cute :\). one of the adults turned around,stood on its hind legs and told me to piss off. and i did... durr

Submitted by oh dave on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 2:12am.

When I think of the waste created by the production of her cd's and the animals that are tortured so she can safely paint herself like a cut-rate crank whore, I really fear for our future. Perfect representation of where we're at today in our relationship with "nature."

but to lighten it up a bit I would love to have seen the attack! :D

http://burning-plastic.tumblr.com/

Submitted by MissBegotten on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 1:59am.

The thing that bothers me in stories like this are the instances of stupid people doing stupid things, animals reacting in their natural god given way to defend themselves; then the animals get hunted down and shot. Oh yeah, "they've lost the fear of humans", yadda yadda. No, they've realized just how scary people are. How about we just point out the obvious, stay the hell away from wild animals or they might kill your dumb ass? I love the idea of Eco-Tours to preserve nature, and, drumroll please.... Stupid humans do their best to ruin it.
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Honestly Officer...

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 12:49am.

Maybe the seal saw one of her live concerts.

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"We are here on earth to do good for others.
What the others are here for, I don't know."
W.H. Auden

Submitted by lastdiva on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 12:25am.

Too many words and I'm hearing them in my head as shrewish harping. Somebody give me the Cliffs'Notes version.
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"That's an awfully high horse sir, may I pet him?"

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 12:04am.

precociousmagpie! Hello! ♥

Submitted by LaChaylo on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 11:06pm.

Ay, la tontita.

I blame her blonde hair. Brunette Shaki would never do something so stupid. She'd just take out her guitar and write a song about not being able to reach the sea lions.

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:47pm.

Welcome back, Lucifer Sam!! LOL

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:44pm.

What is she, 40? Stupid whore.

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:42pm.

Off to see some penguins? Doing a baby talk while taking pictures?

How about you fuck off and respect these wild animals for what they are. Dumb whore. That seal only heard her goat bleat voice* and thought the feeders had come. This butter-faced asshole embarrasses herself every time she tries to play smart.

*my apologies to goats everywhere.

Submitted by Bizzarelife on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 1:48am.

I agree! Respect the animals, dammit!

Submitted by dfanintheD on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:37pm.

I love Shakira, but her writing skills in English aren't up to snuff (at least judging by her telling of the seal attack, they aren't).

Submitted by JessicaGiovanna on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:27pm.

It's all that peroxide

Submitted by Mama Bear on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:23pm.

Where the hell does this woman vacation?

Submitted by Hysteria on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:21pm.

omg, I'm laughing my ass off. Geez, MK. Where do you find these star-ies???

"...it roared in fury"...?? ahahaaa

Does Shakira have the ability to think satirically? Does she have a copywriter doing her FB & tweeting? Hahahaaa!
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Submitted by Pinkismyblack on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:07pm.

Submitted by sillykat on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 11:20pm.

Re her use of "impetuously"- ESL speaker ya'll
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I laughed hard at that, too! (My mother speaks spanish so it makes it ok.)

Submitted by WithinReason... on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:06pm.

Shakira, you're lovely but MK told the whole story with a little photoshop... there's a lesson to gain here, love!

LOL at that hyena seal!!!!

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"What is that strange clear liquid dripping out of my eye?"MK

WHO CARES!!! & WHO CARES: THE SEQUEL!!! - MK on Justin

Submitted by Anonymouse73 on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:05pm.

Last summer I went to Assateague Island and witnessed such dumbfuckery. There are signs EVERYwhere telling tourists not to mess with the wild ponies, but does someone *really* need a sign??? So I found a pony to take photos of and kept my distance b/c hello? They bite and kick? This car full of dumbasses pulls up and the gambol over and start trying to pet the thing. Is it wrong i was hoping it would kick them in the faces?

Submitted by sillykat on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 9:50pm.

I ain't gonna lie, I love me some Shaki but this is some dumb ass shit.

Re her use of "impetuously"- ESL speaker ya'll

Submitted by Chris Eccleston... on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 9:44pm.

Fuck, that picture!!! I can't stop fucking laughing!!

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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.

Submitted by kacky on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 9:43pm.

Entitled twat. I wish it had bitten her nose off.
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... the sanctity of marriage gave up, moved to Reno and now works the 1am-6am shift at strip club under the name Sanctitty Mirage.

I am beyond hoffified

Submitted by johnnysgirl on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 9:39pm.

HAHAHAHAHA, MK, that pic XD

Submitted by Chilly on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 9:36pm.

It must have heard her last album.

Submitted by jackie on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 9:29pm.

Lmao at that picture. Shakira is the newest member of the it's cute so I will pet it group. I'll be waiting for the "my eye got pecked out by a angry penguin" facebook post tomorrow.

Submitted by SalmaNella on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 9:29pm.

Random observation: Is that a bulging botox vein on Shakira's forehead?

Submitted by TelevisedRevolution on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 9:16pm.

This has got to be a joke. I mean, the way she wraps up her "He's With Stupid" tale with "I hope the penguins have better manners," it must be the punch line to a "Rubia y Mas Rubia! Buy my Discos, Por Favor!!" ad campaign.

You can't *want* people to think you are that stupid, for real, unless you have a good reason for it, right?

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We worked hard for our money! So hard for it, honey!

Submitted by z-listed on Tue, 02/14/2012 - 9:14pm.

No, the term "Dumb Bitch" does not refer to the seal, it is someone else in the story.

Wait a minute...she had a guide, Andrew and he didn't tell this nitwit not to climb the rocks to where the seals were? I guess the fact that the other tourists didn't do that might have given her a clue.