Introducing The Feeding Tube Diet

Just when I start to think that this society hasn’t gone full crazy, I see this mess on Today this morning and I’m actually surprised I didn’t read about it on GOOP first.

For just $1,500, Florida’s own Dr. Oliver Di Pietro, who kind of looks like Bobby Moynihan as Newt Gingrich, will stick a feeding tube into your stomach through your nostril hole and count his money as you’re slowly fed 800 calories a day for ten days. Dr. Oliver says that most patients drop up to 20 chunks of fat. And all you have to do is eat all your nutrients through your nose. Like a Lohan!

Dr. Oliver tells The New York Times that most of his patients are brides hoping to lose some weight to fit into their wedding dresses. Dr. Oliver says that the 800 calories is a mixture of fat, water and protein with zero carbs in it. The body loses the weight so fast, because it starts burning fat instead of sugar. Dr. Oliver’s patients have to keep the feeding tube in for the full 10 days and they carry around their liquid food in a tote bag. Side effects include constipation, dizziness, bad breath and of course, exposing your insane fucked up craziness to your loved ones.

Hos who are crazy enough to go on the ICU diet don’t need to worry about strangers knowing that they’re basically starving their way to skinny. One bride said that people just assumed she was dying of a terminal illness. Wonderful. It’s so much better for people to think you’re sick than think that you’re trying to lose weight. It’s shit like this that has me asking: Why do we even live here anymore? Here being the planet.

And Dr. Oliver says that his K-E Diet is safe and effective, because thousands of people in Europe have done it. “Why do we always get blamed for jacked up shit like this?” – Europeans