Tommy Is All Natural, Thankyouverymuch
You see Tommy Girl making the rock ‘n roll sign, but I see Tommy making the salad tosser sign. Well, I can’t help it that I see a tiny butt crack when Tommy puts his ring and middle finger together.
To sell his new movie Cock of Ages, Tommy worked his weave and flexed his cum gutters for W Magazine (click here to see all the piping hot heterosexualness) and also gave an interview to Playboy. (When Tommy says he reads Playboy for the articles, nobody accuses of him of lie-telling.) In the interview with Playboy, Tommy talks about never tucking his face, acting the fool in interviews and sending his lawyers after gossiping bitches. Tommy actually sounds like his head is on earth with the rest of us and not floating up in Xenu’s kingdom, and that tells me that Scientology’s doctors must have invented a “vitamin” that temporarily sedates the crazy in a bitch. Here’s a few choice quotes from Tommy’s tea time with Playboy:
On how he maintains his beauty at the age of 49: “I honestly have no idea. [laughs] I work. I’m always with family. I train, go without sleep. I just go hard.”
On if a plastic surgeon’s scalpel has ever touched his face: “I haven’t, and I never would.”
On how 30-year-old Tommy is different from almost 50-year-old Tommy: “I’ve always had the same values. Family for me has always been important. When I shoot, everybody comes. When Kate’s shooting, I’m there with her and the kids. We’re always together. I’m always around my mother and sisters. I always wanted to be a father, a husband. And I’ve always had a work ethic. I’ve had paying jobs since I was about eight years old—cutting grass, raking leaves, paper routes, selling Easter cards and Christmas cards.”
On how Def Leppard was amazed by his voice when he sang one of their songs for them (prepare your eyes for rolling): “Well, the lead singer, Joe Elliott, points at me and goes, ‘Fuck you! Fuck you!’ Then I saw big smiles on their faces, and I realized I’d gotten their stamp. It was a very cool moment. It was important they knew I was honoring their music and not making fun of them.”
On jumping on Oprah’s couch and spewing crazy shit about Brooke Shields’ postpartum depression: “I agree with you, and I never meant it that way. When I go back and look at it, I find myself thinking, I don’t feel that way. I get how it came across, but I don’t feel that way, and I never have. Telling people how to live their lives? I saw how that came across and how pieces were edited.”
On if he’s keeping his mouth shut about Scientology: “What’s interesting is, if I don’t talk about my religion, if I say I’m not discussing it or different humanitarian things I’m working on, they’re like, ‘He’s avoiding it.’ If I do talk about it, it becomes, ‘Oh, he’s proselytizing.’ Reviewing the whole thing and how things can be edited and misinterpreted, I decided, You know what? Here’s the deal. I take responsibility for what happened, but everyone now knows that if I am dealing with humanitarian things, I will talk about that. When I’m promoting a film, I’m not going to get caught up in anything else, and that includes all my personal things.”
On if he ever thought the couch jumping and anti-anti-depressant rantings would screw up his career: “No, I really didn’t. But it was important to me to take responsibility, take a hard look and decide where I go from here. That time was interesting. It was that moment when the internet had really spun out. It was a learning experience for all of us, how these things go. All you can do is learn and say, “This is the way it’s going to go from now on. Here is the line.”
On why he’s sued over shit written about him or his family: “They know I mean it, that if I have to, I will sue. You start with a letter saying, ‘Okay, you know it’s not true. Apologize.’ There is a point with a lot of things when you just go, You know what? I don’t want to waste my time with this. I’m busy. I’d rather spend this time with my kids and my wife, at home or on our movies, creating a life together. If you have kids, it is the most important thing to create good times.
On how he recently uploaded a screenwriting program into his Stepford Beard’s hard drive: “She is an extraordinary person, and if you spent five minutes with her, you’d see it. Everything she does, she does with this beautiful creativity. When she becomes interested in something, she doesn’t talk about it, she does it. One week I said to her, ‘You’ve been up in the middle of the night. Is everything okay?’ She smiled and then threw this thing on my desk and said, ‘I wrote this script.’ She wanted to try it, and she did. She wanted to try designing clothes, and now her line is wonderful and, to me, an example of how she just creates beautiful things in her life. She has a voice and warmth as an artist, as a mother. She’s funny and charming, and when she walks into the room, I just feel better. I’m a romantic. I like doing things like creating romantic dinners, and she enjoys that. I don’t know what to say—I’m just happy, and I have been since the moment I met her. What we have is very special.”
Sort of kind of sane, right? That said, I don’t know if I buy that the thetans on his face aren’t weighed down with plastic, but then again regular facials in the Scientology men’s sauna probably does wonders for the skin. And why didn’t I ever notice that Tommy’s tongue looks like a peen with a swollen tip?
