Didn’t We Already Know This?

Jim Parsons of The Big Bang Theory (the show my mom watches religiously but always forgets the name of so just calls it the “other” How I Met Your Mother) is gay, like officially, and I thought we already swept up the popped rainbow balloons after having that party. I’m not serving that on a bed of warm sarcasm either. I know Jim thanked his partner Todd Spiewak (click here to see them in several states of awww) when he won a Golden Globe a couple of years ago, but I thought he already said the words out loud in a magazine or something. I guess not, because everyone is saying that Jim has “quietly come out of the closet” in an interview with The New York Times. High brow!

In a piece about Jim’s starring role in a Broadway revival of Harvey, the NYT casually dropped this in:

The Normal Heart” resonated with him on a few levels: Mr. Parsons is gay and in a 10-year relationship, and working with an ensemble again onstage was like nourishment, he said. As the production was ending last summer, he heard that the Roundabout Theater Company was considering a revival of “Harvey” — initially with John C. Reilly under consideration for Elwood — and last November the play’s director, Scott Ellis, asked him and Ms. Hecht to do a private reading of the work in Los Angeles.

The article also mentions that Jim is 10 months away from turning 40. Now that’s the real RED SIRENS GET CNN ON THIS news. Jim Parsons being gay is something we all learned in school, but Jim Parsons being almost 40 is the real shock. Jim Parsons looks like a come-to-a-life cartoon of a 5th grader as drawn by Charles M. Schulz. Dude looks eternally 11, so the headline should be: JIM PARSONS COMES OUT AS A 39-YEAR-OLD.

And I know everyone is waiting for Anderson Cooper to casually come out, but he better not do it like this or I’ll never speak to the cardboard cutout of him I have in the corner of my bedroom AGAIN! Usually, I’m not really into it when hos come out on the cover of People for a check, but I’ll make an exception for Anderson. Andy’s coming out needs to be a spectacle! It needs to be some “sliding down the rainbow, resurrecting Judy Garland, unicorn heads exploding” shit! It needs to be an international holiday and Lady GaGa’s stupid ass better copy another Madonna song when writing Anderson’s official coming out anthem. When Anderson finally comes out publicly to the media, I better turn on the TV and see an infomercial for the commemorative plates with his giggling face on them. It better be like that.