There’s Going To Be A Silver Fox Wedding This Summer, So Says The National Enquirer

Since every rainbow in the sky has a layer of silver on top it from Anderson Cooper officially coming out, The National Enquirer says that he’s ready to take the next step in his personal life by marrying his boyfriend of 3 years Ben Maisani (or as I used to call him, THAT MUSCLE BOUND PROTEIN SHAKE OF A TRAMP TROLLOP HOMO WRECKING SLUT SKANK IN WHORE JORTS).

A source type tells the Enquirer (via DM) that the second after same-sex marriage became legal in New York, Andy Coo’s been thinking about making Ben his first husband. I say “first” husband, because Ben won’t be Andy’s last. Those Vanderbilts love getting married! The source adds that Anderson and Ben almost broke up because of their work schedules, but his mom Gloria Vanderbilt convinced them to stay together and is now trying to get them to marry and adopt a kid. A Silver Fox wedding could go down as soon as this Labor Day.

If Anderson cares about the future of civilization, he will hold off on this shit. The ozone layer has barely recovered from almost tearing completely open from the excitement of Rojo Caliente’s wedding and it can’t take a Silver Fox wedding!

This totally unconfirmed and probably bullshit rumor should make me want to plan a big gay The Graduate-style stunt by trying to stop the wedding as security guards taste me in the froat, but it doesn’t. What’s that saying? If you love something that doesn’t know you exist, you let it go…but not before you turn a picture of it into a pillow case so you….know the rest. Yeah, that’s the saying.

Besides. I’m at a point in my life where I just don’t want to put in the work needed to have a long-lasting relationship with the Silver Fox. And by that I mean that I don’t want to go to the gym every hour and I want to pick up a bowl of nachos instead of something with weights on it. I mean, look at Ben Masani. Ben has more muscles on his teeth than I have on my entire body. In order to have a beautiful relationship with Anderson Cooper, you have to have a beautiful relationship with a weight machine. And if you saw me huffing my soul out on the double dildo machine yesterday, you’d know that working out and me just don’t belong together.