He Put A Ring On It

Jennifer Aniston can finally take “Single Ladies” off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. “You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!” And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!

Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren’t fireworks from Jen’s chocha. No, it’s a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters’ heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses’ minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.

Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I’m not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don’t freak out,that’s right, I said I have no shade. It’s okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven’t had it in awhile.

The Silver Fox’s Piece Pulls A Kristen Stewart

It all went to piss when they let Fuggie Fug get between them, obviously. The Daily Mail has some slightly ESCANDALOSO and EXLUSIVO pictures of The Silver Fox’s rumored fiance Ben Maisani sucking face with a piece who isn’t silver on top and doesn’t have creamy porcelain skin like an angel’s organic cum shot. Basically, Ben MESSani is making mouth love with a dude who isn’t Anderson Cooper and he’s doing it all out in the open. Here’s my theories about this shit:

1. Ben has brains of dried squirrel shit and he’s a dumb, cheating skank whore who has committed an ILLEGAL act by stepping out on The Silver Fox. When Andy Coo is calling you his own, the only thing you put your lips on besides him is a fucking lucky star, because you’re screwing on The Silver Fox. That is living the life. If Ben is passing his peen to other whores behind Andy’s ass, then he obviously wants to get caught, because who kisses their side piece out in the open besides KStew’s dumb ass. You take that shit private and by private I mean the second bathroom at the gay bar Eastern Bloc. I just hope that this doesn’t break Andy’s heart into a million black pieces and makes his angelic hair turn charcoal black from being betrayed. If I wasn’t a lazy piece of lazy shit, I’d totally work out until I got biceps on my lashes so Andy Coo would have an eight pack to cry on.

2. They have an open relationship. I know, crazy. If I was with the Silver Fox, I’d have an open relationship. But by that I mean that my legs would be open 24 hours a day for his ass. I’m sorry if there are children in the room, but that’s just the truth. Why lick on another trick when you can fill your mouth with diamond dust by licking on The Silver Fox’s nipple. That’s just crazy!

I hope theory #2 is the correct theory, because if Anderson Cooper’s heart breaks, the world will split in two and the apocalypse will swallow us whole before spitting us out into the depths of hell. We have failed as a people if Andy Coo’s heart breaks. I’m just going to blame Fergie.

That being said, I’m totally twisting my nipples to those pictures. Shame: You can’t ever accuse me of having any.

Tha FUCK Is On Tara Reid’s Feet?

SOMEONE is in serious need of a gay in their life. Here is the original Lindsay Lohan (sans the criminal record that reads like the Iliad) Tara Reid, moon-walking the WRONG way through Paris with a mystery man on her arm and a severe case of WHAT. The. Fucking. Fuck. on her feet. What is going on there exactly? Is that duct tape?

Those fUGGs look like the Terminator had sex with my third grade galoshes, and that is some sick shit that I don’t want to think about ever again. I don’t know whether to re-attach my car bumper with them (it’s a rural southern US thing, shut it) or wrap them around a baking potato. NO. I’m so messed up by her dire shoe situation I can’t even bother caring about who the new trick is. Okay, you’re right, I wouldn’t have cared anyway, but my point is that shit is distracting.

Other than the Dollar Store dented Tin Can rejects, I have to say Tara is looking pretty decent-ish here. Of course, I’m using her St. Tropez visit a couple of weeks ago as a yard stick so, basically I mean she’s standing erect and not looking like Beer Bloat Barbie.

She needs a couple of buckets of KFC and a six pack of Guiness Extra Stout (“A 6 pack? Of what, cases? What the hell are you talking about?” – Tara), but other that that she looks sober and happy. I kind of have a soft spot for her. Us drunk hoochies have to stick together, you know.

A Dimmed Sparkle Is a Sad Thing

The storm clouds are starting to dissipate in the Robert Pattinson / Kristen Stewart YOU CHEATING HOR hurricane, and as the anger recedes like low tide on Rob’s once shiny sparkly beach of a heart, some of his friends are saying that now only broken shells, sadness, loss and wishy-washiness remain.

Radar Online has heard from several sources (aka chatty bastards) that RPattz is not sure whether he’s ready to let go or reconcile. He’s struggling to make a decision, but wants to keep his personal life to himself and out of the public eye say the tattle mcblabberfriends.

An equally sensitive Kristen respected Robert’s privacy by issuing a public apology to him and showing her Droopy Dog face all over town. The other couple ensnared in the scandal, Rupert Sanders and his wife Liberty Ross could not be reached for comment, since Rupert is completely booked up with shoe licking, jewelry buying, and couch sleeping for the foreseeable future.

RPattz will make his first appearance in public since the split on the Daily Show this Monday and the sources say he’s more than a little nervous about what question bombs Jon Stewart will lob at him during the interview. I’ll bet Rob’s not the only nervous one, isn’t that right KRISTEN? Hopefully Jon went to a different privacy hororing school than the rest of these big mouths and will show some bitches what class is by letting Rob stick to promoting his new movie Cosmopolis.

I feel for the guy. I can’t imagine watching with the rest of the world as my future dreams were publicly lapped away by a married man in the front seat of a car. But Rob is a young, handsome, rich as hell star. In no time, he’ll be trying to say “Krist-who” with a mouthful of someone new. SO DO YOU HEAR ME ROBERT? It’s kick a trick to the curb time. And ladies (wink, wink), line forms to the left.

Rob needs someone prettier, and infinitely more faithful.

No One Stops Traffic Like Angelyne

Because when her osteoporosis causes her to slightly toot her booty out, grilles get wrecked! She should come with orange cones and a detour sign she’s so fiery hot.

Los Angeles makes me uneasy. I’m pale and kinda pudgy and every time I’ve been there, I’ve felt like a glowing orb of dough. Here in Boston, everyone’s fat and drinks a lot. It’s comforting. Also, we don’t have earthquakes. We do, however, have faulty air conditioning on the T this summer. My apologies to everyone that I have showered in my sweat in the past three months while riding to work. A visual aid: It’s like that scene in Flashdance when Jennifer Beals‘ stand-in dumps the water all over herself and twerks it wet. Because I was wearing a g-string and pasties, too.

I’d feel so much better about LA if I’d ever had the intense luck to have an Angelyne sighting. She’s like finding a crumpled $20 in a pair of clean jeans or living in Mobile, Alabama and spotting the leprechaun!

When an individual who looks like Mrs. Slocombe from Are You Being Served’s mentally ill daughter gently alights onto the LA streets wearing Jan Crouch’s pink weekend merkin on her head and every piece of make-up in her vintage Caboodles on her face, you bow down. You help her pump her gas, and you buy a t-shirt from the trunk of her signature pink corvette.

And if you’re really enterprising, you sneak yourself into that trunk when she drives away. Because you know this gem is a hoarder and she must hoard some AMAZING shit at her assuredly sparkly yet depressing condo. Wigs, cut-outs of herself, costume jewelry, inflatable furniture, all of her deceased pets taxidermied and dyed pink, and every deep, dark, and dastardly secret Hollywood ever had. Why would you not go?

Improve your day by checking our more pics of Angelyne in the gallery.

Judge Won’t Let Pregnant Dude Get Divorced Because He Doesn’t See Him As A Man

What do you expect from a state that drove the “Excuse My Beauty” transflower to go and hook in Albuquerque? “The Pregnant Dude” (Thomas Beatie) has run into a slight hitch in his Arizona divorce proceedings from his laptop-drowning wife. The judge won’t recognize him as a man and because same-sex marriages aren’t legal in Arizona, won’t hear their case. Really? You had to be THAT guy, Your Dishonor?

The Daily Mail (hey, they’re legit, they have a URL and everything) reports that the judge is ruling that because they both have the same sex organs, their marriage wasn’t valid in the first place. This is despite Beatie having been awarded custody of their three children in May. AND he has a SWEET moustache. Fuck’s wrong with you, Judge Not-Judy?

Beatie became a curiosity to some and a “who’s the woman, who’s the man, who cares, bitch!”” hero to others when he went public with his pregnancy four years ago. Some months back, footage of Mrs. Pregnant Dude acting like Lindsay Lohan when someone announces it’s a dry wedding made it online. Bitch was scaring the kids, beating on Pregnant Dude with their laptop, and then chucking it in the pool! That’s deep (both the pool and the course of action). Fuck, throw the couch, microwave, coffee table, bedspread, dildos, and the dog (he can swim)in the pool. Fine by me. You leave the TV and laptop alone, though. If I can’t watch my stories and have instantaneous access to porn, we are over like Madonna.

She reportedly punched him in the crotch, too. He says that he has a clit that’s grown to the size of a small penis down there now due to the hormones. Do we have any female bodybuilders out there that read DListed? Does being hit in the swole clitty hurt as much as being hit in the balls? Just curious.

Anyway, that’s why he got custody. Nicely played, transman. Judge Gender Fascist says that “he cannot find any legal authority that defines a man as someone who is able to give birth.” Thomas filed documents to show that his passport and his Hawaii birth certificate state that he’s a dude in response.

Is anyone else confused about what the judge expects them to do? They were legally married as a man and a woman. You can just say it never happened if you have a gavel? How do they figure out all of their legal stuff if their marriage is suddenly imaginary? Does Detective LaToya investigate for family law?