Demi Moore Is Doing Fine, Okay?

This is totally not what it looks like. I know it looks like Demi Moore has found the trap door at the bottom of a barrel by trolling back alleys, looking for Sharpie dealers to sell her a quick sniff. (If whippits are the cocaine of inhalers, then Sharpies are the crack of inhalers.) That’s not what is going on here. Demi is simply visiting with her career. No, Demi went to the GEMS Girls Like Us Benefit Gala in NYC last night and she wasn’t in the mood to pop a fake smile on the red carpet, so she used the side door. Before she went in, Demi had to close her eyes and take a moment, because smelling all that trash reminded her of all the times she’d sniff Ashton Kutcher’s rancid dick bush while giving him a beej. Oh, the beautiful memories.

This week’s cover of People Magazine is supposed to make you feel sorry for Demi, because apparently she’s all sad in the heart from watching Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis suck on each other’s tongues in public. But Demi doesn’t look miserable at all. Bitch is looking good and hanging out near the dumpsters with Mr. Miyagi (I’m half Japanese, so only half of me is racist for typing that). Ashton can slather that on Mila’s crotch and eat it. Yes, it’s true that halfway during the event, Demi spotted a tampon vending machine in the ladies bathroom and grabbed onto it while screaming, “ASHTON, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! WHY?!!!“, but she got over it as soon as her publicist gave her a Sharpie to sniff.