Presenting Mr. And Mrs. Rocknroll

37-year-old Kate Winslet married 34-year-old Ned Rocknroll in a secret wedding in New York earlier this month and that wedding was a secret, because she didn’t want anyone to know she was marrying a ho with the legal last name of ROCKNROLL! I bet that when the officiant asked, “Kate, do you take Ned Rocknroll as your wedded husband,” she turned around and asked everybody in the room if they had a tab of acid, because that’s the only way she’d be able to say yes. Marrying a motherfucker with the last name Rocknroll only makes sense when you’re high on some kind of brain-bending shit.

Kate and Ned Rocknroll (born name: Abel Smith) first met in 2011 when they were both vacationing on Richard Branson’s island. Ned is Richard Branson’s nephew. A fire broke out on the island and Kate saved Richard’s 90-year-old mother. Kate and Ned hooked up after they left the island and she’s been screaming his messed up name during fuck times ever since.

A source tells UsWeekly that Kate and Ned wanted to keep their wedding extra small, so they only invited a handful of friends and some family members. The best part is that Leonardo DiCapiro’s ass walked her down the aisle, because OF COURSE and because it only seemed fitting since marrying a dude named Ned Rocknroll is a lot like boarding a sinking ship.

This is Kate’s third marriage. She had a kid with her first husband and a kid with her second husband Sam Mendes, which means she’ll totally have a kid with her third husband and that kid’s last name will be Rocknroll. I hope they do have a kid and I hope that kid’s first name is ILove or ItsOnly.

I really know nothing about Ned Rocknroll, but now I know that he lays down the peen good, because that has to be the only reason why Kate married his ass. Dude must have unicorn jizz. Ned probably gives it so good that for a quick second, Kate completely forgets that she’s doing a dude with a name like a bottom tier wedding DJ who always ends up banging the ugliest bridesmaid in the bathroom.

That being said, I hope Kate took his last name and she’ll forever be known personally and professional as Kate Rocknroll.