Hulk Hogan Is Opening A Breastaraunt

Florida is the land where PCP zombies eat people’s faces, Christian Slater’s importance isn’t recognized, and true beauty is found. It will now have a state restaurant because prototypical Sunshine State resident Hulk Hogan is opening an eatery. Brooke Hogan must need a job, and personal buttocks masseuse to her father has probably taken a John Travolta-esque turn for the worse by now. It’s going to be one of those places where the waitresses dress like perky whores, and use their tits to distract you from the fact that the food tastes like shit. Hence the term (via The Huffington Post) “breastaraunt.”

[Sidenote – It should be noted that the food at those places is bogus except for the chicken wings at Hooters. Holy Jeezum, those are good. My other fag-o-trons and I often go there just for the wings. We have to use the table tent to shield our eyes from all the orange nyloned cameltoe while we eat, though.]

“Hogan’s Beach” is opening on New Year’s Eve in Tampa Bay, so I urge you to call for reservations now or download some sort of app to do it in case the line is busy.

He told the Tampa Bay Times that it’s “going to be Jimmy Buffett’s [Margaritaville] times 10; Hooters times 10” with Hulk Hogan shit on the walls like it was T.G.I.Fuckhead’s. It will also feature “a mechanical shark ride, volleyball courts, fire pits, cabanas and tiki huts.”

You know, the purpose of this post was to bag on Hulk Hogan’s burn victim tits’ opening a restaurant. But getting shitfaced and watching drunken Floridian fupa queens break their asses being hurled from a mechanical shark might be a good time. I’m in. I’ll just stick to the assuredly overpriced drinks. You can assume that the food is on par with a Guy Fieri venture.