Panty Creamer Of The Day: Jude Law In Maui

I know your nipples knobs are barely hanging on to your areolas since you almost rubbed them off while eye drooling at those pictures of a topless Sean Penn looking like Tarzan’s drunk uncle who shoots his arms veins up with homemade roids, but I’m sure you will find a way to rub your nipples some more to these pictures of Jude Law getting wet in Maui.

I totally would for 3 reasons:

1. If you waxed that pussy muff on top of his head, he’d have a glorious hairline like Beetlejuice after a haircut. Or like the dude from Love It or List It.

2.  Jude’s chest fur looks like a hairy shadow and it only accentuates his man pecs.

3. I’m guessing that the carpet matches the drapes and by that I mean, Jude totally prunes his crotch bush into the shape of a Batman mask so it matches his hairline.

And all those 3 things put together = SWOOOOON right out of your chonies.

Katie Holmes Bearding For Jake Gyllenhaal?

Man, that Suri Cruise chick is a friggin’ diva. And way too big to be carted around like that. NYC does have some dirty-ass sidewalks, but seriously. No wonder why Katie Holmes looks so fatigued all the time. She’s carting Tiny Tim Suri around like the girl has polio and she’s lost her crutches. Stepford Katie is supposedly dating Jake Gyllenhaal, according to The Sun. Jakey’s in good shape, so maybe she’s just looking for a dude to hold her snooty daughter. Or there was a glitch in her server and the bearding program was reactivated?

A source said: “Josh has been the mastermind behind this romance. Katie says that they have tons in common and Jake has already been to see her in Dead Accounts, plus she has been over to his apartment in the West Village for dinner.”


Dead Accounts is set to close, by the way. No one bought tickets. So she’s going to have time for beardin’. What do they have in common? They both used to have crushes on Tom Cruise? Oh wait, it says that Katie’s Dawson’s Creek pal Joshua Jackson set them up. Let’s throw that in reverse to get at the truth. Jake needed to borrow a Joey Potter wig from Katie to fulfill that “Anal with Pacey” fantasy he’s always had and this is clearly a publicist flipping the script for a “no homo” moment. I don’t blame Jake. Pacey was hot. Get that Capeside cock, gurl.

Update: Gossip Cop says that both of their reps deny this shit. That’s a good thing because that’s one boring-ass couple. What would they have to talk about besides gluten-free products? Boys, I guess.

Check out more pics of Katie Holmes enduring the burden of lazy-ass Suri in the gallery.

Samuel L Likes To Make Bitches Squirm

That title actually sounds a lot sexier than this story is, although pretty much everything Samuel L. Jackson does is damn sexy. In this particular case, Emmy winner Jake Hamilton is interviewing Quentin Tarantino and several of the Django Unchained cast members on his show Jake’s Takes and everyone plays nice….until they get to SLJ and he breaks it off in dude’s ass. Swooooooooon. It seems like every bitch from Sarah Silverman to Katt Williams can’t shut up about how they feel about the use of the “N” word in Django, so Jake tried to ask Samuel what his take was.

The whole interview is above, but skip to the 13:56 mark to watch Jake wishing a hole the size of Kim K’s ass would open up and whisk him away to a safer place, like oblivion.

Jake: Y’know There’s been a lot of controversy surrounding the usage of the “N” word in this movie…
SLJ: No? Nobody? None? The word would be?
Jake: Oh, I don’t want to say it.

Samuel yells at him to say it for almost a full minute, refusing to answer the question until he does, while Jake squirms in his chair like a first grader that has to pee pee. I don’t blame his ass, but it’s kind of funny.

Jake: I don’t like…I don’t wanna say it. Will you say it?
SLJ: No! Fuck no. That’s not the same thing.
SLJ: You want to move on to another question?
Jake: Okay, okay awesome.

As Samuel turns to the camera and laughs his ass off (and never does answer the question), you can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Jake DID say it. I’m thinking Sam L would have pulled a Jules from Pulp Fiction on his ass and he knew it. I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHAFUCKER SAY N***ER ONE MORE GOTDAMN TIME.

Afternoon Crumbs

When my landlord opens my door for my family, because they haven’t heard from me in days, they’ll find me shivering with fear while scratching at my eyeballs with one hand and using my other hand to point at this picture of Madge doing the tango with Valentino on New Year’s Eve – Lainey Gossip

STUNTS: RiRi and Fist Brown are still pulling ’em – The Superficial 

But what does Aunt Bunny have to say about this?! – Towleroad

Guess who’s in a bikini again? You screamed out “JOANNA KRUPA!” before your eyeballs finished reading that last sentence, right? – Hollywood Tuna 

I’m not sure what this says about me, but I’d totally let ginger Rosie O’Donnell stick the tip in – The Berry 

JWoww’s ass cheeks look like they’re trying to escape from her body – Drunken Stepfather

I think I’ve spent less energy on desperately looking for peen on Craigslist than Anne Hathaway has on trying to get that Oscar and that’s saying everything – Celebitchy

Who cares about Jenna Deawn and Channing Tatum, is that fat Marky Mark lounging behind them? – Popoholic

Slow clap to Kris Allen for tweeting the making of his first born and his almost death, while pimping out Ford at the same time – Just Jared

Nothing says “Happy New Year” like using the REDRUM Instagram filter on a picture of your tits, obviously – IDLYITW

Oh, don’t mind Jennifer Lawrence, she’s just eating a daisy on Vanity Fair – ICYDK

“Captain, stop the ship! I spot a Laxativos Store over there!” – LeAnn Rimes – Popsugar

Psy is retiring Gangnam Style….until he has to extend his 15 minutes in America by bringing it out again. So basically, until next week – SOW

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hitting play on videos that have the words “Brown” and “Twerk” in the title – Videogum

The only thing I’ve learned from Royce Reed’s Twitter rant is that she can tweet and stand in line at the unemployment office at the same time – Crunk + Disorderly

Nicole Minetti does the Jessica Alba – Hollywood Rag 

Goldie Hawn serves up some more “Peg from Lady and the Tramp” drunkness – Cityrag

The first and last time I’ll ever type these words: Ke$ha’s pussy looks so fresh – I’m Not Obsessed

Open Post: Hosted By GOOP’s Sweet Moves

You’d think that GOOPY Paltrow spent her New Year’s Eve getting crushed moonstone enemas while chanting with the Dalai Lama and Deepak Chopra at midnight, but nope. GOOP spent her New Year’s Eve on stage at Jay-Z and Coldplay’s concert in Brooklyn. Chris Martin and GOOPY busted out some piping hot moves that burnt the edges of Beyonce’s lace front AND the edges of Blue Ivy’s lace front. The sparkling diamond water GOOP was sipping must’ve been seriously potent, because bitch did the “Million Dollar Baby” boxing move and the “stirring the organic, gluten-free batter” move all in the span of a minute. Little Apple and Moses Martin haven’t been this mortified since they realized their names are Apple and Moses. Beat the GOOP out of that beat, Fishsticks!

via Jezebel

Brangelina WOULD Get Married On Jesus’ Birthday

If you were born on or around December 25th, then I’m sure you have already cursed your parents for insisting on partaking in bareback love during the springtimes. Jesus is an attention whore, so December 25th is always all about him and other December 25th babies get the shaft. Christmas babies usually get dual purpose gifts and their birthday cake is a pile of leftover holiday cookies with a half-melted candle stuck in it. Well, Christmas babies, Jesus now feels your pain, because his special day has been overshadowed by the ultimate attention whores: BRANGELINA!

The Telegraph says that Brad Pitt and Angie Jo might’ve (but probably not) gotten married on Christmas Day during their holiday vacation to Turks and Caicos. Proving that he’s still a cheating bastard, Brad Pitt cheated on Chanel by staying at Donna Karan’s estate. A source says that Brad’s parents, his sister Julie and his more-talented brother Doug Pitt joined Brangelina and their child army in Turks and Caicos. Some tourists say that they spotted a bulgy-eyed creature slithering around the island, so either James Haven gave Angie away or an iguana on meth did.

So if this is true, then on December 25, 2013, the following is going to happen:

– Instead of wearing red and green Christmas sweaters, we’re going to wear black potato sacks.

– Instead of filling our eating holes with egg nog and Honey Baked Ham, we’re going to slowly sip on virgin blood in between licking a plate covered with Jennifer Aniston’s dried tears.

– Instead of decorating the Christmas tree, we’re all going to smoke pine tree needles out of a bong. (Note: I’m okay with this.)

– Instead of giving our children half an Ambien, so they’ll be passed out when Santa comes to visit, we’re going to put them in front of the fireplace for Angie to take after she slithers down the chimney.

Poor, Jesus. Now he’ll be the one blowing out a half-melted candle on a pile of leftover holiday cookies while everyone is celebrating Brangelina’s wedding day. Merry Brangiemas, I guess.