What In The Dorian Gray Hell?
Here's the official royal portrait of the Duchess of Cambridge by artist Paul Emsley and it was supposed to hang inside the National Portrait Gallery in London, but since it looks like she's slurping up your soul, they're going to hang it inside the Haunted Mansion Ride at Disneyland instead.
Looking like Jacqueline Smith circa 1982, a knocked up Kate Middleton showed up for the unveiling of her official portrait at the National Portrait Gallery this morning and after she swallowed ten loads of barf, she put on a manufactured smile and said that it was "brilliant." Yes, brilliantly haggard. Kate might've pretended like she was into that beat, jank mess of a portrait, but the critics aren't pretending like they love it. They are dragging it. They've called it "rotten" and "dour." "Rotten" and "dour" is proper British talk for "fuckinguglyasfuck" and "raggedy piece of crap."
Duchess Kate told Paul that she wanted to look natural and he tried to capture her "sparkling green eyes" and "charm." Well, Paul, you tried, but there's nothing charming or sparkling about this wreck. He made Kate look like a 70-year-old evil stepmother who is about to lock you in the attic, because the Prince is coming to look for the owner of the glass slipper and she knows your foot will fit it.
Kate sat for Paul before she got pregnant, but they could've fooled me. By the way her lips are pursing, it looks like she's desperately trying to stop herself from vomming up half of her insides. It's like she just licked some dirty ass.
You know what, though? It can totally be fixed and there's no need to send Paul to the square to be flogged publicly. Cecilia Gimenez, work your magic, girl! via @m4tt
Just stamp an Olan Mills logo on it and it's a masterpiece! And when the Daily Mail asked Morrissey for a comment on the first official portrait, he said, "Loves it!"
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Oh you poor British fools. The Royal Family is basically resigning you to the fact that you will be ruled by these corrupt-ass monarchs for years to come by painting an aged portrait of your future queen. And there ain't nuthin' you can do to stop it. Now you know how us Yanks feel with the impending birth of Kanye West's and Kim Kardashian's "love" child... totally screwed!
This makes her look not only around 49 but also very mannish.
The portrait is not rotten but she looks at least 20-30 years older. I'd bet her mother bears a closer resemblance to it than Kate. The "restoration" version is infinitely better! ☺
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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The artist must really hate her. This is horrid.
I think I love you ElB!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by quickkill on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 3:24pm.
It isn't her fault, but Kate Middleton just doesn't have the same magic as Diana.
Magic? Diana was a smelly, wanton trollop. If she wasn't killed in the crash she would've died from her enormous ravaged snatch imploding. AND all those people saying "Dianas an angel with wings looking down on us peons" Bollocks, not that theres a Heaven and Hell but if there is (there isn't) the adulterer is getting a pitchfork up her arse right now. FACT.
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"Jesus loves you" - Great thing to hear in a Church but horrific to hear in a Mexican prison
LOL @ the Frugal Gourmet comments. I stopped reading back before I figured out why they started. Here's the Wiki entry on the sex-abuse allegations:
"In 1997 seven men filed suit against Smith alleging that he sexually abused them when they were teens. Six of the plaintiffs alleged that the abuse occurred in the 1970s while they were working for Smith at the Chaplain's Pantry; the seventh plaintiff alleged that he was sexually assaulted in 1992 at age 15 while hitchhiking. Smith denied the accusations but his alleged actions had been the subject of much talk around the city of Tacoma for years. Smith was never charged with a crime but in 1998 he and his insurance company settled with the plaintiffs out of court a few days before the trial was to occur."
More proof that one act--or seven of the same acts, in his case--can trash an otherwise seemingly good life.
so one more incentive for casting directors to hire Lindsay Lohan for the duchess's biopic?
Submitted by cmc311 on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 2:18pm.
lol that was my first thought as well. i loved those die cut covers.
Maybe it's just a portrait for the future...when she is 54 or something she may resemble that a bit. Doesn't look much like her currently.
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 6:08pm.
hah they are pretty fugly. Check out this one:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Juan_de_Miranda_Carreno_002.jpg
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Oh my! Como se dice "derp" en espagnol?
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by dbella on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 4:26pm.
He made her look exhausted and a little creepy. What's with the bags under her eyes that she doesn't even have in real life?
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No, she has them in real life, but the make up covers it up nicely.
She doesn't have lines in her forehead and that isn't in the picture. She does have a little crows feet and I've seen them a few times.
She's still a nice looking girl. The portrait is just a little hard, that that photographer who takes those hard, untouched pictures of celebrities.... Richard Avedon, I believe.
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"That shit was more staged and choreographed than Paul Ryan's soup kitchen visit."- MK, 10/16/12
I realized, it looks like painting on black velvet like I did when I was a kid.
that's the problem with the portrait.
Other than that, it's not really that bad when you look at it. There's subtle depth to it and I think it is an HONEST portrait of her, not the make-up presentation we get.
Remember, she's a 30 year old English girl and you know those English girls don't age well. I can already see the fatigue in her face.
She's a nice looking girl, but not the charisma her late MIL had...
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"That shit was more staged and choreographed than Paul Ryan's soup kitchen visit."- MK, 10/16/12
Eh, whatever. If I was Kate, I would bitch incessantly about this (IN PRIVATE) with my husband. I would use every colorful phrase in the book.
She has pigeonholed herself into this life of complicity. Some of the posters on here are correct - she was CHOSEN because she is docile. She is not exactly the role model I would want for my own daughter. Diana was willful, but she was also young. A nice blend of firm, confident, and someone who stands up would be nice. Unfortunately, it is not going to happen any time soon.
Oh well. She got the role of wife to William. So, whatever. Enjoy the prize and STFU.
Submitted by Deb on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 4:41pm.
The great Goya did a portrait of Spain's royal family. He detested the king and queen, and this portrait shows it.
http://madamepickwickartblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/goya8.jpg
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hah they are pretty fugly. Check out this one:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Juan_de_Miranda_Carreno_002.jpg
Of course that's probably a flattering portrait. Charles II of Spain was severely demented from generations of inbreeding so he probably looked way worse. Poor guy.
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A Lannister always pays his debts.
Uh, was this supposed to be some sort of timeless piece? "Let's give her wrinkles, pudge, and (fucking) graying hair (!!??) so in 40 yrs it will be relevant!"??????
I think pic 4 (1st thumb in 2nd row) says it all with her not-so-sub-conscious middle finger to the artist. Wow, burn it, fuck, I'd be pissed if that happened to me.
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My name is Manye, Manye Breast
FOUR, now, with Few words's comment!
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Posh Beckham is one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse.
mrs voorhees - that makes three of us with the same thought. thats a LOT, for one little blog comment thread. that guy might BE beheaded for this!
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Posh Beckham is one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse.
or CMC, it was you who said it. i dont know how you people put other people's quotes in your things, but whatever, the second i saw it this morning, i thought it looked just like a vc andrews cover!
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Posh Beckham is one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse.
omg MADGES! just saw what you wrote! totally concur!!
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Posh Beckham is one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse.
The great Goya did a portrait of Spain's royal family. He detested the king and queen, and this portrait shows it.
http://madamepickwickartblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/goya8.jpg
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
it reminds me of one of the original VC andrews covers, for fucks sake.
that dude should be beheaded for this treason, and i am not joking one bit.
maybe not beheaded, but he should certainly never work as a portrait artist again.
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Posh Beckham is one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse.
Aww... my dad loved watching the Frugal Gourmet and even bragged about meeting him, which used to make me eyeroll even then. "You know, I met him. He's SO tall," he used to say in his heavy Czech accent. I had no idea the dude was a perv. If my dad were alive he'd be crushed. Another childhood memory shot to hell.
Was Bob Ross the dude who used to call his white paint "Magic White"? It was so hypnotic to watch him splatter a nature scene on canvas in such a short time.
Submitted by RLF on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 2:18pm.
I believe King Henry VIII divorced one of his many wives because of a "good" portrait - Anne of Cleves turned out to be ugly in real life. Something tells me if Katie lived in those times, she'd have no suitors with this freakin' mess.
• report abuse
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Anne of Cleves wasn't actually ugly. Most of Henry's court thought she was hot, but Henry liked his women sort of boyish. Anne was buxom and tall.
For everyone saying, what's the issue with Kate's picture, it is just that it makes her look older than she is. And Diana was no great beauty either. And the only reason she was so outspoken was because she was 20 when she got hitched and didn't have the maturity to know how to deal with certain things and Charles was no help. At least Will and Kate have things in common.
the improved version is very improved.
He made her look exhausted and a little creepy. What's with the bags under her eyes that she doesn't even have in real life?
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"If it was sea jasper, we all know it was our favorite ethics professor." LaChaylo
Not wild about the picture. And if you look closely you can see a teeny tiny bump. She looks exhausted though. I feel bad for her having to do all this shit while feeling, well, like shit.
i hope this was done as a glorious FU towards the royal family. well trolled, Paul.
I love it that she looks fat and old.
*high 5s the painter. You made my fucking day.*
~So long, and thanks for all the fish!~
But why is her face gray????? Hideous portrait.
Like I've said before, only to get bitch slapped by the Nurse Jacinthas of the world: the duchess is hideous. Get over it. She was chosen because she was smart enough to shut up and smile before the queen. She was shelved years ago while William duly sorted through dozens of others. In the end, no other would nod and smile as quaintly as homely Kate. She is no Diana, and for that reason she will never rebel against the royals and dare to think for herself. She must have a GREAT personality, sure. But that does not, nor will it ever, equate to natural beauty. In order for this portrait to be somewhat attractive, the artist would have needed another muse. She even looked shitty on her wedding day and who does that?
PS: This is not Morrissey
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Don't make me quote Nabokov at you. I'll do it. I promise.
A friend bought my husband a Frugal Gormet cookbook. My husband hated it. Hr said all the recepies were brown. LOL
I'm sorry, but that second picture Michael K used to "improve" the picture is givin me all kinds of gigglesnorts. LMAO!
I still say aside from cold dead droopy prozac depression eyes that picture is fairly fucking accurate.
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"And it don't matter who you are, if I'm doin my job, its your resolve that breaks..Cause the hook brings you back, I ain't tellin you no lie. The hook brings you back, on that you can rely."
Submitted by cmc311 on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 2:18pm.
This belongs on a cover of a V.C. Andrews book.
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HAHAHA! YES!
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom
Jack....Brett Butler!! Lmao it DOES look like her. Hahahaha
* 100% hotness verified by WHAMO. :P *
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RIMADYL KILLS
I'm no arteest, but he gave her too many lines on the face which makes her look much more harsh than she actually is. She's very pretty and her features are fine, so why does she look like a Martinis-at-noon-soccer-mom? This portrait would look much less creepy if it had been done at an angle instead of the subject looking straight at you. This just looks like what happens when you say Bloody Mary in the bathroom three times.
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom
The Haunted mansion ride would be a perfect home for this mess. Hahaha
* 100% hotness verified by WHAMO. :P *
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RIMADYL KILLS
Haha! Yes, exactly like it should be on the cover of a V.C. Andrews book! She looks like she hides her kids in the attic.
I honestly don't see what's the problem. I think the rendering was fairly accurate. She looks like that IRL. *Kanye shrug*
It isn't her fault, but Kate Middleton just doesn't have the same magic as Diana. William is irritating, as he hovers over his poor, frail wife. The smirk in the portrait looks like she is cussing out the royal family in her mind.
I used to love watching the Frugal Gourmet when I was a kid. I thought he was such a nice, charming guy *shudder* But I do remember episodes when he'd bring his family over, and his wife and sons so seemed somber and despondent with him. *double shudder* Apparently he told one of his victims "I'm gonna eat you like a sugar cookie." Oh that Jeff, always thinking about food!
Nooooo, Not The Frugal Gourmet!!!
Sniff, a childhood comfort-memory, sullied. To tell mom or not...
I think he tried to make the wrong features look better. She's got quite a "wrinkled" neck in reality, yet he painted her neck completely flat, which makes her look rounder and is distracting as it just doesn't fit. He made her forehead rounder than it is, to distract from her underweight, so he let the eyes appear smaller and made her look older. Same goes for how detailed he painted the eyes in comparison to the flat rest of it. Exept the hair which does look good, though the colour is rather grayish.
Maybe he drew "What Kate would look like if she was an alcoholic" from the DM.
Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 1:00pm.
Like Jeff Smith, PBS's "Frugal Gourmet"?
My mom and I used to LOVE watching him. He was such a quirky, funny guy full of wisdom and similarly gentle-seeming, all lovey about his wife, etc.
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Awww, my mom and I used to watch him together too. I loved his show and he was so charming on TV. It was pretty shocking when the stories came to light. Wasn't he a minister or something?
I used to watch the Frugal Gourmet just to catch a glimpse of his assistant, Craig Wollam, who resembled Andrew McCarthy somewhat. I hate to think he was one of the assitants who was groped. :(
Bob Ross the painter, got on my last nerve with that voice & fro combo of his. I'd change the channel or go out into the hot Texas heat just to avoid that show even though I loved art.
long time lurker here. MK, this post made me bite the bullet and finally create an account. I laughed so hard I had to walk away from my desk at this line. My co-workers must think I lost my mind.-- "...since it looks like she's slurping up your soul, they're going to hang it inside the Haunted Mansion Ride at Disneyland instead."
Submitted by Whamo on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 2:43pm.
Like Jeff Smith, PBS's "Frugal Gourmet"
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I'll be honest with ya, I watch a LOT of PBS but I have never seen that dude before, never seen his show at all. *scratches head*
well...if he was a child toucher....at least he won't YELL at them so...you know..he have THAT going for him anyway...lol!
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hehehe He was a kinder gentler one. ew I just creeped myself out..
I'm a PBS junkie too Whamz -- I love Saturday afternoon cooking shows especially the geeky 1950's style guy on Test Kitchen and if i'm up at the buttcrack of dawn I'll even watch This Old House Hour. They have the best progamming.
I remember the Frugal Gourmet!! He said on his show once that his wife was also a chef and that their son would often go their friends' house for dinner to have so-called normal food. This child toucher business makes that sound really creepy now. :\\
Bob Ross was so freaking awesome with his fro, mellow voice and fluffy little clouds. :) I grew up watching PBS too :) And heck yea did he make painting look easy or what??
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 1:07pm.
Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 1:00pm.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin: "...thanks for the background on Bob, Whammy. He seemed like a pure sweet soul. After saying that, I better not find out he was a kiddy toucher or something like that.."
Like Jeff Smith, PBS's "Frugal Gourmet"
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I'll be honest with ya, I watch a LOT of PBS but I have never seen that dude before, never seen his show at all. *scratches head*
well...if he was a child toucher....at least he won't YELL at them so...you know..he have THAT going for him anyway...lol!
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 1:07pm.
Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 1:00pm.
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The "Fecal" Gourmet dined in a place where I worked in the early 90's. The word was out about him then. In fact, we thought of sending the CUTEST busboy to his table with a piece of paper reading "FRESH MEAT" on his back.
Fucking creapo was drunk and drooling over Chad the busboy. He was a minister too.
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson