Marisa Tomei Is Engaged To That Hot Dude From Prometheus

I really need to take a brush-up course on Marisa Tomei’s love life at the University of Phoenix online, because I’m so not up-to-date on the goings on of her vagina, so I had no idea that Logan Marshall-Green has been making regular, if not daily, visits to it for over 4 years. Marisa and Tom Hardy’s junior clone have been dating on and off since 2008 and now they’re totally on in a major way, because InTouch (via DM) says they are getting married. When Marisa’s best friend Rosie Perez asked her why in the hell would she marry a dude who is 12 years younger than her and has a baboon heart (LMG does not have a baboon heart), she said, “I don’t make sense, he don’t make sense, together we make sense!” Yes, I’ve watched Untamed Heart way too many times.

Marisa and Logan haven’t confirmed this yet, but a source says he gave her an engagement ring around the holiday times, because everybody gave everybody an engagement ring around the holiday times. That source said, “He popped the question over the holidays. She is very happy.”

Congratulations to Marisa and the dude with a beaver tail for hair. Will somebody please get them another fucking bike, a two-seater bike or a front chair (like this one) as a wedding gift? Just look at these bitches trying to ride double. You’re grown up actors! You’re not Cirque du Soleil acrobats or middle schoolers during summer break. Leave the “2 hos, 1 bike” trick to the professionals.

And “Logan Marshall-Green” sounds like the fancy, full name for a green loogie. Green Loogie only goes by the name Green Loogie instead of Logan Marshall-Green, because it doesn’t want people to know it came from a rich family. The next time you cough up a green loogie, say you coughed up a Logan Marshall-Green. It’ll make you sound way more proper and refined.