Hot Slut Of The Day!
The plastic recorder, the instrument that pretty much everybody played in school (well, in my school anyway)!
When I was in the third or fourth grade, I wanted to get out of class, so I signed up for an advanced music class that was held in a bus parked outside of the school. The "advanced" in advanced music class really didn't mean anything. Anybody could take the class as long as you brought your own instrument. My sister played the clarinet, so I just stole hers and brought it to the advanced music class bus. The advanced music class teacher looked like Bob Ross' asshole older brother complete with a greasy fro and the only thing greasier than his fro were his juicy pits. Dude was one of those types who always had Florida pits (humid all the time) even when it was cold. My clarinet-playing skills were bleak, but you try blowing a clarinet while staring at a pair of drooling armpits. It's not easy.
During the third week of advanced music class, we were all playing a song together when the teacher stopped everyone and walked up to me in the back row. Dude said to me, "Why are you even here? You're throwing everyone off! I bet you can't even blow your nose. You should try playing the plastic recorder instead." Mr. Slobber Pits killed my clarinet-playing dreams, so I quit advanced music class and joined beginner music class with the other musically challenged.
The plastic recorder was way better than the clarinet, because it was easier to carry and I didn't have to deal with stupid reeds. I loved the plastic recorder! I really thought I was going to be the breakout star of beginners music class, because I didn't think it was possible to suck at playing the plastic recorder. I was wrong. During the second class, the teacher whispered to me, "Do you think you can play a bit softer?" THAT BITCH! I wish Beyonce was my private plastic recorder tutor. She would've helped me out by telling me to blow to a backing track.
But fuck both of those teachers, because look at me now. I blow like a champ! ("Not really" - all my exes)
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That brings back the memories for me too. I was in Catholic school & had music class with the recorder in the 5th grade. I sucked at the recorder, but assumed everyone else was a virtuouso, so I would just pretend to play (so as not to stand out as an obvious loser). Once in a while, the nun would stand behind you so she could make sure you were on key, and I would pick those exactly moments to have a coughing/choking fit, so my fraud wouldn't be exposed. Good times!
"Go tell Aunt Rhody the old grey goose is dead." :(
*"Honey, your reputation is SHIT in this town."*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyDZaR6v9tU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
::Babs voice:: Mem-reez....
I killed it at the recital with my rendition of "Oh Susannah".
Wow!! MK, really pinpointed how funny our childhoods were. This post brought back so many memories of "tonettes," recorders, and autoharps. The halting, off-key rendition of "Good King Wencelaus," around Xmas.
. . . and the principal who told me I had too much hair and cut it off during school assembly.
I had an awesome music teacher. ta ta tee tee ta. we played recorders from grade 3 and from 4 and on we played guitar. he taught us "smoke on the water". I played the baritone in grade 7 and our music class consisted of five students.
Hot Cross Buns!
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"Somewhere, Jennifer Love Hewitt is vagazzling the words "FUCK MY LIFE" onto her crotch while deep throating a Pillsbury cookie dough roll".--MK
I love love love your school/childhood stories, MK!!!!!
Sorry you had such sweaty, bitchy teachers though. :(
My dad played clarinet in the band, so I inherited it and started lessons in the 5th grade. I had to get up early and go to school an hour before it started to get my lessons from a man who was just as unhappy as me about getting up at that ungodly hour. I would miss a note, and he would yell at me that I didn't practice and throw his baton at me. I don't know why I didn't tell my parents on him, but I just said I only wanted to do choir anymore from 6th grade on. I had wonderful choir teachers. They gave me the gift of song to celebrate when I'm happy and cheer me up when I'm sad.
I take my little nephew to violin lessons. The violin teacher is crazy, but I am there to keep an eye on her. That's Suzuki--there has to be an adult there to watch the lessons and help the kid practice the rest of the week. He's been taking them for over two years now. I play the keyboard in harmony to his melody. We play "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," and "Go Tell Aunt Rhody," among others. I'm looking forward to when he gets to the level where he plays "Ode to Joy." That one is my favorite.
I'm glad I quit the clarinet. All that nasty spit, and the dried spit on the reeds. Gross! And if you were in band, you had to go to all those stupid games.
I moved when I started 5th grade so I never had to play it, but my little sister did and that shit was annoying as fuck. Also our parents made us take piano starting at 6 so it was pretty baffling to be in a music class when I was 11 and having the teacher explain what a quarter note is, I was like "seriously, how dumb are you fuckers? I knew this in kintergarder)
My 5th grade music teacher, Ms. Fennel used spit her lugies into a Dixie cup she kept on the piano. And speaking of music teachers and pits, she was always rocking a sleeveless shirt and her pits were totally bushed out!!!
Led Zep and Jethro Tull would be nothing w/o the plastic recorder.
@tigerlilly.
Lol...haha. Your earrings and scrappin' story reminds me of myself when I was younger and single. My girls and I would be out somewhere ho'ing it up. Somebody inevitably would start some shit with one of us, the girls always kept an eye on me. I have to be mad enough to cry to actually fight. I'll read yo ass like a novel but won't resort to violence any other time.
If one of the girls saw my eyes filling up she'd elbow one of the others til it got passed around to everyone, and when they saw the first tear start down my cheek and my hands heading to my ears (to take out my earrings), BITCHES SCATTERED!! Lol. They knew, they knew. XD
Aww hell no Hekki, that teacher needs her ass handed to her. If your Hekki-ling makes straight A's, what damn difference does it make? As long as she's not going over state required days attendance/absences (and most of the time even that can be over ridden by a medical excuse, I've had to do it with my own daughter in elementary school) then something needs to be said to her. That's not fair for little Hekki-ling! =o(
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"...I'm a greedy, money grubbing
whore and a check is a check, so I'd strap a snorkel on the ol' noggin and muff dive like there was diamonds up in there..."
By: Tigerlilly
Edit: wrong post
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
I still have my soprano and alto recorders.
Oh, childhood. Any music in childhood is good. *s*
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"I swear, sometimes good dick is a thing of evil. It blurs your vision and screws with your brain.- MK, 01/17/13
looool awww, poor little MK's musical spirit was crushed.
Submitted by rook on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 8:15pm.
Also - a recorder version of My Heart Will Go On https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2WH8mHJnhM&feature=youtube_gdata_player
OMGGG some biiitch in one of the other classes in my elementary school kept on playing the melody from My Heart Will Go On during lunchtime on her recorder OVER AND OVER all the time! She thought she was so good but she only knew the hook melody or whatever you want to call it and she did it EVERY LUNCH HOUR.
Submitted by biomech on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 9:06pm.
@rook - I was just about to post that same 20th century fox recorder version link. It's the best thing that's ever been done on a recorder. I tip my hat to you sir!
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Yes! That vid is simple, yet so hilarious.
This is another musical fail gem (non-recorder tho):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-w-58hQ9dLk&feature=youtube_gdata_player
@rook - I was just about to post that same 20th century fox recorder version link. It's the best thing that's ever been done on a recorder. I tip my hat to you sir!
This is funny as shit - a recorder doing the worst version of the 20th century fox intro - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGwwJEE7k48&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Also - a recorder version of My Heart Will Go On https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2WH8mHJnhM&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Mani- OMG! :-(
There are some amazing teachers out there. It's sad that there are these types who are such horrible dark spots.
Submitted by Mani6 on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 7:27pm.
I needed to wear glasses in school because I had a temporary eye problem. The problem was that I'd forget them half the time, anyway the teacher got fed up with me forgetting them so she took a fucking pen and drew fake glasses on my face so that maybe I wouldn't forget them next time. I had to walk around school for the rest of the day like that feeling like a complete FOOL! And people wonder why I'm so fucked up today! LOL!
OMG, nowadays, that'd be considered child abuse!
Mani, it sounds like you went to the Academy de Sade!
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Submitted by Mani6 on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 7:22pm.
In elementary school I got to play the sticks...THE STICKS...TWO WOODEN FUCKING STICKS!
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*pats Mani on the head...gives him an old disgarded triangle from the Dlisted lost and found...* Use it, don't abuse it Mani...*watches Mani closely for any sign of urge to over use triangle*...
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Submitted by Mani6 on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 7:27pm.
Sorry that's too funny but I can relate. My first grade teacher made a seatbelt out of yarn to keep me in my chair on a daily basis cause I couldn't sit still and would walk around....
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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
A coworker of mine use to live in a neighborhood where a old homelss guy would stand on the corner and play "Popeye the Sailor Man," all night and day with one of these things. Did I mention my friend's apartment was two floors above this, so he got to hear this?
I needed to wear glasses in school because I had a temporary eye problem. The problem was that I'd forget them half the time, anyway the teacher got fed up with me forgetting them so she took a fucking pen and drew fake glasses on my face so that maybe I wouldn't forget them next time. I had to walk around school for the rest of the day like that feeling like a complete FOOL!
And people wonder why I'm so fucked up today! LOL!
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If anyone is going to pee on him it's going to be me.- Nicole Kidman
Submitted by Mani6 on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 7:22pm.
In elementary school I got to play the sticks...THE STICKS...TWO WOODEN FUCKING STICKS!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! Stir Fry!
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www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Hekki on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 6:51pm.
Dog, your Claw stories make me LOL.
Mean teachers: My almost 9 year old has a condition that requires her to see a specialist once a month, but when she was first diagnosed, we were having lots of appointments trying to get it treated and figured out so she missed a bunch of classes. She gets straight A's.
Her English teacher has been making nasty comments to her about it and I'm getting pissed. Sure, Miss Ratchet, we'll let her go blind so she won't miss your unit on adverbs.
Every other teacher has been supportive, but this one berates her in front of the other kids.
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AW HELL NAW!!! I'd be all UP in this bitch's grill. Just hearin' about that shit make me want to take my earrings off and MY earrings ONLY come off to get all up in a bitch's ass!
Hekki, it time to go all ATL on a bitch. You need some pointers this ghetto assed Atlanta DListed ho show you how. HELL THE FUCK NO!
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
In elementary school I got to play the sticks...THE STICKS...TWO WOODEN FUCKING STICKS!
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If anyone is going to pee on him it's going to be me.- Nicole Kidman
Hekki- Not. Cool. I swear some of these teachers work about 10 years after they mentally retire. This woman I knew had a 12ish year old daughter named Brianna. Her teacher said, "I don't like that name. I'm going to call you Brenda." Bitch started addressing her Brenda and would get mad when she didn't respond! The teacher had to be talked to several times and the principal had to get involved. I mean really, WTH??
Thanks, Hekki. I try to see the humor in them. She's not as bad as I make her out to be, I guess.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Dog, your Claw stories make me LOL.
Mean teachers: My almost 9 year old has a condition that requires her to see a specialist once a month, but when she was first diagnosed, we were having lots of appointments trying to get it treated and figured out so she missed a bunch of classes. She gets straight A's.
Her English teacher has been making nasty comments to her about it and I'm getting pissed. Sure, Miss Ratchet, we'll let her go blind so she won't miss your unit on adverbs.
Every other teacher has been supportive, but this one berates her in front of the other kids.
My shizz was wooden. Bow down bitches! Yeah, but my music teacher criticized my skills on that damn "Little Pufferbelly" song. FUCK THAT! "Listen to him puff, puff, listen to him tweet, tweet, puff, puff tweet, tweet all day long." Who the fuck wants to be good at that mess anyway? Actually, that sounds like a day in the life of MK. Anyway, that bitch hated me and she sucked at life too...(not really, I'm just bitter cuz she din't cast me as Maria in our 5th grade rendition of 'Sound of Music'. Sure, I couldn't sing wotth a shit, but she could have thrown me a bone and cast me as SOMETHING...but no. I was casted as straight up REJECTED.
Oh, and when I was in COLLEGE, fuckin' A college, my art teacher got an attitude with me too! We had to draw some shit and he was going around the room looking at everyone's shit like the nosey bitch he was...all like, "Nice technigue, Becky"..."Much improved, Sharon"..."Excellent work Mandy" (he was TOTALLY fucking Mandy, I'm convinced of it). Then his uppity artsy ass gets to me and says, "Tigerlilly, you're doing it wrong". SAY WHAT? He hated me and gave me an F in art! ART!!! I FAILED fuckin' ART cuz of his ass... Sure, I didn't show up most days and when I did I was either hung over or on drugs...or both, but the man had it out for me! No way I deserved an F...Ok, yes I did, but who gives a whore and F in art??? Who does that???
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
My school called them flutophones, too. I guess they didn't trust us to not mess it up, because the music teacher was always up front holding up the correct number of fingers. The faces she made were great, though.
I still have my plastic recorder in my funny and cheap instruments bag (along with tom-toms, kazoo, whistles, etc.) and can now consider myself a member of the Hot Slut Club. Thank you MK.
We had Tonettes. I guess we were ghetto.
LOL!! That whole post was pure gold...no one tells better stories than you do, MK.
I remember playing those in 7th grade.
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What in the praying mantis crackhooker hell is this?! - MK 9/09
Oh lord. Every 2nd or 3rd grade class had to play a song together on these. I can't imagine how our parents ears must have rang for a week after hearing 120 7-8 year old play My Country Tis of Thee simultaneously.
Some teachers are such assholes. I did Junior Great Books in junior high (mostly to get out of class) and the teacher who led it with the library lady was a complete asshole who really hated me. Because of chronic ear infections, I have some hearing loss. Mr. Assface said something to me and I said, "What?" because I couldn't make out what he said. He yelled at me for 15 minutes about how I need to stop being such an obnoxious brat and listen to teachers because my teachers can't stand me or my rude behavior and that I will never amount to anything in life because I never listen to anyone. Granted junior high schoolers are demons, but I wasn't a bad kid at all. He was just an asshole.
Omg!! I remember those from the 4th grade-- we called them flutaphones. I was horrible at it and would just pretend to play it lip synch style!!
Love it, mk!
I remember these from my childhood lol.
Submitted by Hekki on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 5:00pm.
The sounds that come out of it are so heinous that I told her she doesn't have to practice.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sounds like me when I had to listen to The Claw howling along with the choir in church last week.
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Laughing like crazy at all the stories.
My third grader has to play one of these. The sounds that come out of it are so heinous that I told her she doesn't have to practice.
I despise that thing! My ex-BF thought he could play it but the sounds coming out reminded me of nails screeeeeching on a chalkboard. It was beyond annoying (and so was he).
Iplayed,LMFAO
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You might find The Hoff in a bar
or in Germany with a guitar.
He might do a dance
in shiny black pants,
but at least he can talk to his car.
I was awesome at that thing, I got to do a solo at the assembly.
Ugh, my older brothers had those. I'm still haunted by really bad versions of "3 blind mice" lilting around the house
I remember these, lol but eventually moved to trumpet. Now, THAT WAS LOUD!
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Bloggie noms close January 27th! http://2013.bloggi.es/
I was a recorder vurtuosa!!! I could play the shit out of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".
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There might have been a time when I would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life
I got detention for nailing a classmate in the head with one of these.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org