But Where's The Peen?
I don't know what kind of mind-altering substances they're snorting, smoking, injecting or buttchugging at ESPN the Magazine, but they were definitely on something when they came up with this random mess of an idea. The first sign in knowing if an ESPN the Magazine editor is on the wrong shit is when they recreate famous album covers with athletes for their "music issue." We should test them for fuckery-enhancing drugs and I'm going to need Oprah to interview them in the suite of a Comfort Inn.
ESPN the Magazine is putting out a magazine issue, because once again DRUGS, and they got Ryan Lochte for Nirvana's Nevermind cover, Josh Freeman for Michael Jackson's Thriller cover, Allyson Felix for Beyonce's Dangerously In Love cover, Alex Morgan for Katy Perry's One of the Boys cover and Trent Richardson, LaMarr Woodley, and Marshawn Lynch for Run DMC's Ultimate Run DMC cover.
To promote the issue, ESPN gave USA Today some lines Ryan Lochte said during his shoot and now I know why my mom always warned me about the dangers of snorting massive amounts of chlorine through your nose.
-"Iconic Nirc-vana"
- "The cover is definitely global, brah."
- "If you look at the baby, he's definitely happy in the water. And that's what I am."
- "He's chasing after a dollar bill. So he's always on the grind."
- "Trying to perfect the perfect the shot in the water was kinda easy for me. Just because I spend about four hours a day, every day of my life, in the water."
- "Usually when I go swimming, I have goggles on. So when I didn't have my goggles on for this shoot my eyes were definitely burning."
- [Blinks five times in two seconds] "Am I blinking a lot, cause I feel like it."
- "Hopefully everyone's reaction when they see it, they'll be like, daang, look at that guy. I honestly think I nailed the shot."
I feel like I should be wearing an Affliction tank top and bumping to dubstep while holding a can of Monster when I read those priceless quotes. Whenever brilliant words of wisdom dribble out of Ryan Lochte's mouth, it feels like I just snorted an entire 32oz Icee. It's worse than brain freeze.
But that shit aside, it wasn't not funny that Ryan Lochte's Nevermind recreation is historically inaccurate and wrong! The baby didn't wear Speedos, so why is Ryan? Maybe Ryan is bigger than that baby and he didn't want the baby to feel bad about it. Yeah, that's probably not it.
via Buzzfeed
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just saw Dave Grohl hosting on Chelsea Lately where he commented on this - he said Ryan is the LAST person he would want to recreate this album cover oh and he also made fun of him being a dumbhead.
no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. BAD IDEA. whoever thought that this was a good idea should be fired and never allowed to work anything besides a cash register or deep fryer.
"Just look at all the fucks I give!"
@Craigy
LOL Yup. But we better bring our lawn chairs and tailgating supplies. I have a feeling we are in for a long line! *passes a beer, brat and tater salad*
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Ryan Lochte can do me anytime, anyplace, any postion. As long as he doesn't speak. He is dumb as dogshit, yet so hot!
Oh, look at Beyonce with her original skin color and nose! She's making herself LESS Creole. (Not that she actually is a smidge of Creole. Bitch, please.)
He's a likable doofus, but aside from the 400 IM, his performance in the Olympics didn't live up to the hype. But maybe he'll be back in Rio to kick ass and take names. Phelps says he's going to retire but I'd put money on it that he'll be back in 2020.
As a former competitive swimmer, I follow this shit waaaaay too closely.
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A Lannister always pays his debts.
1) I cannot believe there is no PEEN. FU ESPN magazine.
2) And shit, is that really Lochte? Never mind the quotes.
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Luci...I skimmed the article the first time and thought the quotes were from MK.
Second pass: it's Lotche. Stunning intellect. I'm now waiting to hear his thoughts on Iran and the E Trade Baby Economic Predictors.
Now is the time. You're not promised tomorrow. -PR
I love Ryan Lochte. His derp game is tight
great - another douchebag with a publicist
The choice of female album covers is weak as hell.
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I like to smile, smiling's my favorite! : )
The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
Submitted by mike on Wed, 02/06/2013 - 10:53am.
Y'all stop! Ryan's my spirit animal.
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Lol
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I like to smile, smiling's my favorite! : )
The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
Bey and Katy don't belong here. It's glaringly obvious.
Sarah Smile
Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 02/06/2013 - 12:08pm.
Whamo: rrrrawr, cat fight!
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lol, You mean the other post?
Will someone explain the whole "jeah' thing to me. Does he say it over and over in interviews or what's the deal? This guys is a supreme douche and I hope the next time he dives in a pool he hits his head and drowns.
That shot gets one thing right: Ryan Lochte is chasing the almighty dollar.
Am I that divorced from pop culture, that I don't know who any of these people are except for Ryan Lockte - and even he's unrecognizable in that weird shot.
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"Bye, Whore" -MK
Submitted by DeathStarJones on Wed, 02/06/2013 - 10:17am.
RichBitch, love your avatar. Who's sweet ass is that? Yum.
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Joey Stefano's. Sigh.
Submitted by miz cynical on Wed, 02/06/2013 - 12:46pm.
He seems so dumb that someone probably had to spend a significant amount of time with him teaching him to close his mouth while treading water.
LOL! That look on his face says, "It's cool - my gills will start working any minute now ... aaaany minute now... Gills - that's the hole in my ass right?"
Awww. I always loved that little tiger cub on the Thriller album cover. So stinkin' cute. Ryan - meh. I'm still not sure how he figured out how not to drown in water! He seems so dumb that someone probably had to spend a significant amount of time with him teaching him to close his mouth while treading water.
He floats because his skull is completely fucking empty.
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Surfing the apocalypse.
Sorry triple post
But will use this one to go off topic and ask why we now need step stools to take a crap! MK what is up with that squatty potty!! What the holy shits is that!!!!!
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
Sorry triple post!
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
Honey badger I love that Be-yawn-ce!
Brilliant!
I was Be-yawn-ce to these photos!
Wack!
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
<"Submitted by Mrs. F. on Wed, 02/06/2013 - 11:42am.
Am I the only one who thought this was Prince William?">
Nope. I still think him first when seeing it.
Wait...Foxxy...you're not mad at me, are you??? :( I don't want to insult anyone. I'm sorry if I did!!
The Beyonce up there ^^^^^ is chocolatey brown, natural and gorgeous. Doesn't she look a LOT lighter now? And she's definately had some surgery on to 'enhance' her facial features. She loos like a different person.
I wish these people would just leave themselves alone (physically) and not try to live up to some ideal. They need to realize that they became famous when they were naturally beautiful. Kim Kardashian has done the same thing. They are surgically removing their ethnicity; the thing that originally caught people's eye. They are all starting to look like one giant cat lady!!!
* 100% hotness verified by WHAMO. :P *
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
Whamo: rrrrawr, cat fight!
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"OBAMA PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T HAVE A JOB"
"NO SORRY BUT HERE'S SOME WEED AND A VOUCHER TO GET MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE" THANKS OBAMA
Sucky 12/19
"I honestly think I nailed the shot!? Really!? what the fuck did you even do?
Ya you were AMAZING there brah, the way you..were in...the water..and the way you...spread your fingers...and...those eyes, oh ya and you opened your eyes UNDER WATER that was incredible, I don't even know how you did that brah that was beyond sick dude, I mean you should be an underwater model brah.
This guy is so fucking stupid. We don't see him much up here in Canada but is he getting lots of endorsements, he just seems so fuckin stupid who would want him to represent their products unless your products were bags of hammers or boxes of nails.
Foxxy, I take it you wont be going to see her tour? :D I keed, I keed! Dont shank me!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by Mel-Tang on Wed, 02/06/2013 - 11:47am.
And I just realized that Beyonce is slowly morphing into a white woman.
yep, she's always trying to be a different color than she actually is and she's throat-cutting, condescending, unbelievably self-entitled and seems to think the world revolves around her. you're right. sounds to me like she's trying to be a white woman. sorry i've complained when commenters say she's trying to be white. never mind. you're all absolutely right. carry on.
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Even tho he likes Nirvana, he's STILL a douche nozzle and as bright as one!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Are those real quotes? Dude is lucky he was a talented swimmer. Durrrr.
And I just realized that Beyonce is slowly morphing into a white woman. Like Michael Jackson did.
* 100% hotness verified by WHAMO. :P *
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
When that MJ cover came out, he was one of the hottest human beings alive. So sad.
Am I the only one who thought this was Prince William?
Weird Al did it better.
God bless him, I'm so glad Ryan Lochte can swim b/c the poor guy just seems dumber than a stone.
What a moronic dbag.
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If I see something I haven't seen before, I'll throw a dollar at it.
i'm not clicking on the USA Today link because i'd really rather believe that MK made up those quotes
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
"Am I blinking a lot, cause I feel like it."
This guy needs to *ask someone else* if he is blinking? He really is a dim bulb.
Submitted by Honeybadger on Wed, 02/06/2013 - 10:21am.
I get Nirvana, MJ, and Run DMC as iconic album covers. But Katy Perry and Be-YAWN-ce? Really???
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Because men can find female athletes intimidating, and Katy and Beyonce are girlish and non-threatening. It would've been hot though to have some muscular female athlete recreate Grace Jones' iconic Island Life or Nightclubbing album covers.
Lochte as the Nirvana baby was brilliant, though, I have to admit.
jackass
Y'all stop! Ryan's my spirit animal.
JEAH!
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"OBAMA PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T HAVE A JOB"
"NO SORRY BUT HERE'S SOME WEED AND A VOUCHER TO GET MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE" THANKS OBAMA
Sucky 12/19
Joan Rivers said it best...
“Ryan Lochte is a lot like my vagina. Once it’s dry, the magic is gone.”
kurt cobain would be so flattered.
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watching hardcore ufos
Body from Baywatch, face from Deathwatch. Homeboy already needs a facelift.
RuPaul's queens did the underwater shoot better the first show, well except for Alaska. Where's Ryan's peen? Maybe he tucked.
This ESPN "creative endeavor" is as confusing as the Monti Te'o love affair. Never let a sports executive/editor do ANYTHING with music. It will only lead to extreme copyright infringement and ....cultural fuckery!
My vision of world peace: a chicken in every pot, and pot for all us chickens...and weasels.
babies are asexual. i still don't get it why america feels the need to censor that pic.
that being said, why has the guy a swimsuit on? that's lame. if you want to replicate, go ALL THE FUCKING WAY
He's hot with his mouth closed.
How are you going to fight for some dick if you don't even know whether or not the dick is good? The dick might not even be worth getting into a Rock-Paper-Scissors fight over, let alone a fist fight. - MK
I get Nirvana, MJ, and Run DMC as iconic album covers. But Katy Perry and Be-YAWN-ce? Really??? How about Donna Summer, Cher, Dolly Parton, Chaka Khan... So many to chose from other than those two.
Educate yourself on the badass, not-fuck-giving honeybadger, Olivia! ~MK