Beyonce Calls Blue Ivy Carter Her Best Friend (Cut To Gwyneth Paltrow Crying Out Tears Of Rejection Into Her Bedroom Bathtub)
Beyonce, the only woman who has ever given birth to a baby on this planet, talks to Vogue (via DM) about giving birth to a baby, being a woman, making a baby, being a sexual woman and being a sensual being who just had a human baby. But just when I was about to roll my eyes all the way to the left (to the left), Beyonce got a slow clap from me when she subtly burned GOOPY Paltrow by calling Blue Ivy Carter her bestest best fwend in the world. Our thoughts and prayers should be with GOOPY’s maids today, because those poor bitches have to stick an enema full of pink dolphin sweat into her cold, pasty ass since the only way she can get rid of her hurt feelings is to shit them out. Shit out those hurt feelings, GOOP!
If you need to hear about Beyonce, the only entertainer in the world, going on and on about giving birth and being a woman, here you go:
On giving birth: “I felt very maternal around eight months, and I thought I couldn’t bond any more until I saw the baby. But it happened during my labor because I had a very strong connection with my child. I felt like when I was having contractions, I envisioned my child pushing through a very heavy door. Everything that scared me just was not present in that room. So for me to really let go and really appreciate every contraction . . . it was the best day of my life.”
On how she bought a broken heart BFF necklace set for her and Blue Ivy Carter: “She is my road dog, my homey, my best friend.”
On how she communicated to Blue Ivy Carter through vagina thrusts: “And I imagined this tiny infant doing all the work, so I couldn’t think about my own pain. We were talking. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt a communication.”
On her after-birth body: “Right now, after giving birth, I really understand the power of my body. I just feel my body means something completely different. I feel a lot more confident about it. Even being heavier, thinner, whatever. I feel a lot more like a woman. More feminine, more sensual. And no shame. I don’t feel like I have to please anyone. I feel free. I feel like I’m an adult. I’m grown. I can do what I want. I can say what I want. I can retire if I want. That’s why I’ve worked hard.”
And when Vogue asked GOOPY (aka Beyonce’s back-up best friend) about Beyonce, she said that she once watched Beyonce work in the studio while holding Blue Ivy Carter and it made her think to herself, “This is how you do it. You do what you love with who you love included.” GOOPY went on to say, “It also made me want to Skype Apple at her boarding school in Switzerland, but then I remembered that I had an $800 cashmere and panda placenta t-shirt to design for GOOP!”
It makes sense that Blue Ivy Carter is Beyonce’s best friend. I mean, when they hang out, Beyonce can talk about all things Beyonce and show BIC pictures of Beyonce and BIC can’t say shit! It’s the perfect friendship!