Dieting Makes Goopy Less Bitchy

Goopy Paltrow really spilled all her thoughts out while lying on the therapist couch at Self Magazine. Goop admitted to starving her family of carbs, said she almost died while pregnant with the child she miscarried and she also said that her insane diet changed her marriage to Chris Martin. Goop said that her family doesn’t eat any gluten, bread, pasta, cheese, sugar and many other delicious things, but now she says that she only eats like that for a month or two a year. Blue Ivy Carter’s auntie went on the no food diet a couple of years ago when she felt like she was spinning out of control and turning into a real grouch to the cunth degree (no comment).

A couple of years ago, I got really run down. I had to sing at awards shows, which was fun but stressful. I’d have a Guinness and a beta-blocker every time. I also was constantly getting on airplanes, trying to knock myself out with sleeping pills and wine, waking up, trying to sweat it out with exercise and a steam, and then working really hard all day. Eventually, I had a panic attack. My body was like, “What is happening?”

Guinness, sleeping pills and wine? That sounds like the diet of champions! My body asks “What is happening?” when I don’t fill it with beer and wine. But Goopy went to the doctor and he told her to stop eating:

My doctor, Alejandro Junger, recommended that I cut out basically everything: dairy, sugar, gluten, anything processed. I was like, “What the fuck am I going to eat now?” That’s why I made the book: to stop eating brown rice out of the fridge because I didn’t know what else to eat—it was demoralizing.

So Goop’s rock bottom moment is when she ate brown rice out of the fridge? This bitch is a parody now. I don’t even keep brown rice in the fridge, but if I did and ate it one day, that would be a super healthy accomplishment for me. I’d say to myself, “You ate brown rice. Good for you! Now you deserve to eat 10 chocolate fudge cookies in a row.” One of my rock bottom moments was when I shoved two spoonfuls of Bisquick powder and two spoonfuls of milk in my mouth and swished them together before swallowing the batter down.

But like I said, Goop only eats humidifier mist and leaf tips a couple times a year:

I probably eat this way two or three times a year for three weeks at a time. Past that, I’m not willing to make the sacrifice. Life is about balance. It’s good to work in healthy food, whether it’s five days a week or five meals a week. And if you’re going to do it, it should be awesome food you’re psyched to make. But never cut out the brownies or the wine.

When Goop detoxes, she shits out her inner cuntiness and it makes her a less insufferable person (again, too easy) and her marriage to Chris Martin is different because of it:

You feel lighter and your emotions get smoother. I also was run-down because I had a lot of unexpressed anger. I made everyone else’s feelings more important than my own. I’d suck it up and then be alone in my car yelling at traffic or fighting with hangers in my closet when they got stuck together.

You’re not learning anything unless you’re having the difficult conversations. Dealing with things directly changed my relationships. Sometimes when you get clear about who you are, others get less comfortable because they liked who you were. It’s changed my marriage [to Chris Martin, 36], too, but he’s up for the challenge.

It’s probably made Goopy’s marriage better, because every time she goes on the no food diet, she makes Chris Martin go on the no food diet. So whenever she says some ridiculous crap, he’s too weak to fight back. He just lifts his head from off of the couch, uses the bit of strength he has left to shrug and then collapses into a puddle of weak numbness again. It’s the perfect marriage.

And Goop’s diet is totally working. It’s made her a reasonable, sane, down-to-earth and happy human being!

The scary thing is, Goop’s starting to sound a little like my mom. My mom is really healthy and thinks that diet has everything to do with your mood. Like whenever I’m on the phone with her and complain about something, she’ll say, “Did you eat sugar today? You sound grouchy.” Of course I ate sugar that day! I eat sugar every day! Of course I was grouchy that day! I’m grouchy every day! Being a bitch is my life blood and if sugar makes me bitchier, bring on the Twinkies!

Yes, I’m going to die alone surrounded by Butterfinger wrappers.