Open Post: Hosted By California’s Greatest Criminal Mastermind

March 28, 2013 / Posted by: Michael K

If Fatty Arbuckle was resurrected to star in a reboot of Ocean’s 11, this is what it would look like.

The police in Redding, CA are asking the public to be on the lookout for a thieving buffoon with a gunt like no other. (Side note: Nothing will make you feel secure in the police like them asking you to help them catch a complete idiot.) The FUPA Bandit’s streak of terror began earlier this month when he tried to rob Kent Market. After casing the joint (he probably saw that on a TruTV movie), he put on a masterful disguise (a pantyhose mask) and threw a rock at the glass door. The alarm went off and the Benny Hill music started playing. He ran off, tripped, got up, pulled up his pajama pants and kept on a running. When he pulled up his pajama pants, I fell in love.

If the police really wanted to catch him, they’d just set up a sting operation (a sub sandwich on a park bench). No, he’d never fall for it. He’s a professional criminal. Dude is such a master of disguise that I bet that’s not even a home grown front butt. It’s probably a pillow baby. Oh, shit. Beyonce should check her closet right about now.

Source: Redding.com via Gawker

Tags: Open Post

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