God Wants Justin Bieber To Help People (But Monkeys Can Go To Hell!)

Here’s Justin Bieber on the cover of Fetus Vogue throwing a demure and distressed over-the-shoulder look that an innocent Southern ingenue might throw when she wants a young gentleman to throw his wool coat over the puddle that’s blocking her way. (Or maybe that’s a “You want me to put that long thing WHERE, Uncle Usher?” look.) The smoldering Beanie Baby took some time out from his advanced potty training classes to talk to Teen Vogue (via HuffPo) about fame and he was as humble and down-to-earth as he always is. The Biebs said that God filled his tiny fetus twink body with the spirit of Mother Teresa, because he believes that his purpose in life is to help people. The Biebs also said that just like Jay-Z, he doesn’t need to entertain rumors, because he’s that big of a superstar.

Here are the reasons why my “bitch, please” muscle is going to be as sore as hell today:

Bieber on how he’s too big to answer to rumors: “I know who I am, and I’m very much in control. I don’t need to address every speculation. Remember when Cam’ron dissed Jay-Z? Jay-Z didn’t even respond. Why didn’t he respond? He didn’t need to respond because he’s Jay-Z.”

Bieber on how his friends and family call him by his first name: “My dad, my mom, Ryan [Good]. Ryan and Chaz [his friends from home]. [Lil] Twist is my best friend. They don’t see me as Justin Bieber, but just see me as Justin.”

Bieber on how his song “Yellow Raincoat” is some deep shit (Side note: I always thought “Yellow Raincoat” was about pissing in a condom or having protected golden shower sex): “It started as a warm-up guitar riff—it’s got that Tracy Chapman meets Eric Clapton vibe. When I heard it I thought it was brilliant. In the studio, I said something that sounded like ‘raincoat,’ and I liked it. I was thinking of what I was going through. The raincoat is a metaphor for putting up a wall, not letting anyone affect what I do, because I know who I am and what type of person I am. It doesn’t matter what they say, I’ve got this yellow raincoat covering me.”

Bieber on his purpose in life and how he hopes God forgives him for not waking up from his stoner coma to go to church: “I think that’s part of the reason I’m here. Not just because I’m talented, but because God had a purpose for me to just help people. I’m spiritual … although I slept in [and missed] church yesterday. I haven’t been to church in so long, and I planned on going, and I slept in. I was upset. It’s all good. God forgives me.”

The beaver Jimmy Neutron can help us people by being a big kid and pulling his pants up, because nobody wants to see his Underoos. He can also help people by keeping a pacifier in his mouth, because every time he speaks, it feels like somebody shaved a layer off of my last nerve and that hurts.

But seriously, it’s nice and everything that Justin thinks he’s a healer of humanity, but can he stop helping the people for a second to help out his damn monkey! That poor thing is still in animal jail in Germany. The Sun says that Justin Bieber still hasn’t given authorities in Germany the proper documents they need to release his monkey. Karl Joachim, the head of the Munich animal shelter where Justin’s monkey is staying, says that as far as they know, the Biebs has left Munich and they can only keep the monkey for four more weeks. Karl also said that the monkey is sad:

“He is clearly traumatised at being taken away from his family. We could not get him to eat until we gave him the cuddly toy he was clinging to when he was delivered to us. This obviously acts as a kind of surrogate parent. He keeps calling a lot for company — without his toy he won’t eat at all.”

In Biebs’ defense, it sounds like his monkey will be fine even if he heartlessly abandons him in Germany (which he will). The monkey’s current mommy is a stuffed animal with polyester fluff for brains and his last mommy was a stuffed animal with polyester fluff for brains. But at least his current mommy won’t shit on him and blow weed smoke in his face when they cuddle. That monkey is in a better place.

And here’s more of Justin in Teen Vogue looking like the laxatives just kicked in.