Hide Yo Barely Legal Teen Daughters, James Woods Is Back Out On The Prowl

Here’s James Woods and his now ex-girlfriend Ashley Madison (the jokes, they write themselves sometimes) during happier times at the Emmys in 2011 when he was 64 and she was 24 and she was still bumping her crotch against his silvery crotch bush. But now, James Woods is trolling high school graduations for a new piece, because he’s single again.

The National Enquirer (via DM) says that James and Ashley’s 6-year-long relationship started the way all true love affairs start. Ashley is the daughter of one of James’ friends. They started doing it full-time when she was 19 and he was 59. Ashley thought James was going to give her a ring, but that didn’t happen and they broke up, because he spent all of his time with his 86-year-old mother who died last year. James told the Enquirer that Ashley’s expiration date was up, but they’ll always be friends blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…

“We’ve gone our separate ways but I will always love her. Ashley was young and I was old and everyone wanted to dump on her. She was put through a lot of unfair stuff because of our relationship, but through it all, Ashley showed tremendous character.”

Ashley told the Enquirer that she’s moved on to a younger piece and is now dating a 28-year-old restaurant owner.

The Enquirer also brought up a story I completely forgot about. Supposedly, James Woods’ family hated Ashley Madison, because she showed up to his brother Michael’s funeral in a miniskirt and while everyone was crying, she chain-smoked and showed off pictures of herself in various magazines. James denied that story, but I’m still choosing to believe it really happened, because I really want to believe that Ashley Madison is a real-life version of Sammy Jo from Dynasty.

So if you’re a girl who can’t yet buy booze legally and really want to date a dude who could be your pepaw, send James Woods your picture along with a copy of your birth certificates. No fats or olds plz. And by “olds” I mean anybody born before 1995.