Presenting One Of Time’s Most Influential People Of 2013…

Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?

TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you’re going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she’s also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger’s mouth.

See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!

And here’s the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time’s most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty’s fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke’s stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma “Touched By A Plastic Surgeon” Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom’s boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.