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Satan don't take me now! I don't know what's scarier, Elisabeth Hasselcrack or that big tranny pony? The combination of the two is fucking frightening.

I'm definitely checking under my bed tonight for a Republican twat in pink or a big tranny pony.

Here's Hasselcrack, her daughters and big tranny pony at the premiere of "My Little Pony Live!" at Madison Square Garden tonight. Wait, you mean there's more of those big tranny ponies? Hold me.....

Let me explain the picture first. When I googled "dick thieves" this came up. Now on to our story!

13 people have been arrested in the Congo for stealing dick! 13 suspected sorcerers have been accused of using black magic to steal or shrink the dicks of several men. Police had to step in, because angry mobs were threatening to lynch suspects.

Last week in the capital city of Kinshasa, rumor spread that sorcerers were going around shrinking cock. Even radio stations warned people to beware of people in communal taxis with gold rings. Beware of the dick shrinkers! Over here we call dick shrinkers, Paris Hilton.

The 14 victims claims the sorcerers simply touched them to make their dicks shrink or disappear. They suspect they did this to extort cash from them for a cure.

The police chief said he thinks it's one big joke, but "when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'." That police chief is a hot slut.

Have these dick sorcerers been visiting my cruise bar of choice, because my one-nighters have been coming up "short" lately.

Here's a few pics from last night of two penises I'd like to see disappear.

Don't eff with the IRS, because they just love getting your ass in the end. A judge ordered Wesley Snipes to 36 months in the chokey for tax evasion. 3 years is the maximum sentence Wesley could have received.

Miss Noxema Jackson was convicted in February on three misdemeanor charges for not filing his taxes.

Wesley even had some of his famous friends including, Woody Harrleson and Denzel Washington, write letters in his defense. Don't ask that pot head to write you a letter for a judge! Woody probably wrote the truth. Pot does that sometimes.

I hope Wesley still knows one of his Noxema Jackson routines. That shit will be perfect for the prison talent show.

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Orange chicken! Panda Express is such trash, but I ate that shit almost every day when I lived in California. I know it's basically a plate of MSG, but it's delicious. I once met this bitch in a bar who was a manager at Panda Express and they told me to stop eating there. When I asked why they wouldn't answer. That's not a good sign. They probably use rat shit in their beef broccoli. Who cares? Pour some MSG on that rat shit and if tastes delicious, I will eat it. You only live once, so you might as well eat tasty shit.

Katie Price enjoyed what our good country has to offer while shopping at the Beverly Center. You know the bitch thinks it's some authentic Chinese food. She probably asked if she could give her regards to the chef. They handed her a bag of MSG.

Here's more pics of Katie looking like a burnt-up Elvira and a few shots of her gay husband.

Cynthia Nixon recently said that she had breast cancer in 2006. Cynthia said she "beat" it after six-weeks of radiation. The experience has given Cynthia the desire to marry her hot bitch girlfriend of 3 years, Christine Marinoni.

The National Enquirer claims the two want to marry this Fall in Vermont. A source said, "Cynthia and Chris want a quiet autumn ceremony in Vermont under the red leaves. It's supposed to be a very low-key gathering, just for close friends and family." My invitation better be in the mail, because there's no way I want to miss this hot lesbian wedding. I'll buy them a wooden duck. Lesbians love wooden ducks.

The red leaves will look gorgeous against Rojo Caliente's skin. I'm not talking about Cynthia either. Rojo Caliente better order her tuxedo from Casual Male right now. That's going to be a special order.

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Carmen Electra will make Rob Patterson her third husband. Carmen has dated Rob, the former touring guitarist of Korn, for not even a year.

37-year-old Rob popped the question while they were celebrating her 36th Birthday in Las Vegas this past weekend. Her spokeswhore confirms it. Carmen also recently got an "R" tattoo behind her ear and it doesn't stand for retarded.

A source told People that the ring "is a black diamond set in white diamonds." When I hear the words "white diamonds," I automatically think of Elizabeth Taylor's commercial. "Not so fast Tom Ryan!"

Carmen was married to Dennis Rodman for less than a year and Dave Navarro for a little over 3 years.

Carmen is marrying the wrong snatch. We all know she belongs with Joan Jett.

Fox News claims Jimmy Fallon will take over for Conan O'Brien in 2009. Fox News' friend of a friend of a friend said it's a done deal. Conan is leaving "Late Night" to take over for Jay Leno in May 2009. Jay Leno may replace "Nightline" on ABC, pushing Jimmy Kimmel to 12:30am.

NBC will reportedly make the announcement during their fall '08 presentation on May 11th or 12th.

Great. Another dude replacing another dude. Can we please get some vagina on late-night already!? This is why I watch Chelsea Handler on E!, but that bitch needs a bigger platform for her talents.

Jimmy Fallon is going to be just like he was on Saturday Night Live. He'll be funny and interesting for the first few weeks and then most of us will be over it by week 5. More vagina on late-night! And Jay Leno doesn't count, because he's leaving.

17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is scared about giving birth to a real-life baby. A source told Star Magazine that Lynne Spears tried to ease Jamie Lynn's fears by showing her a video of natural birth.

The source said, "She wanted to show Jamie Lynn what a woman goes through giving birth, that it's a natural and beautiful thing, but all Jamie Lynn saw was the blood — or 'goop,' as she called it — the screaming and the pain. It was too graphic for her. She flipped out and literally got sick."

In Jamie Lynn's defense, Lynne probably showed her a video of Brit Brit giving birth. That would make anyone blow chunks.

Jamie Lynn might skip the whole "baby coming out of vagina" thing and get a c-section instead. The source added, "She wants to be knocked out and then wake up when it's all over." Don't we all?

Jamie Lynn should be looking forward to giving birth for one reason only: DRUGS!!! She can start with a little epidural followed by a morphine drip. Can they give you both at once? I should look into that.

Tommy Girl's crazy ass is returning to the Oprah show. Tommy hasn't been on the show since 2005, when he freaked everyone out by declaring his fake love for Katie Holmes. Oprah's fugly leather sofa-thing was never the same again after it was violated by Tommy.

MSNBC's The Scoop reports that the show will most likely air during May sweeps. The focus of the show might be the 25th Anniversary of "Risky Business."

Sources claim that other celebrities have been invited to the taping and it will be an "A-list affair."

They better make Tommy Girl recreate "the tighty whities scene." Even Oprah's audience of middle-aged horny cougars won't be able to contain their laughter.

Speaking of laughter. Tommy Girl's cackle mixed with Oprah's cackle will make us all certifiable.

If you haven't heard Fuggie Fug's song for the "Sex & the City" movie, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. If caca had a theme song, this would be it. I think listening to this song turned my allergies into leprosy. I don't know what's fucking worse? The lyrics, the music or her voice.

The SATC bitches should have saved their pennies and released this Fergie classic instead:

Don't ask me about the clown. I think he was a child toucher. Kids Inc. dealt with the real issues.