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Sad Ojani Noa is sad, because a judge has once again shat on his plans to use an 11-hour "sexy tape" he made with his ex-wife JLo for a mockumentary about his life. The judge officially blocked Ojani from releasing the tape and said he will go to jail if he releases even a second of it. JLo's lawyers will return to court to make the injunction permanent.

After the judge dick slapped him in the face again, Ojani Noa shuffled out of the courtroom with his thumb in his ass and tears on his sasquatch brows. Ojani cried to the reporters outside of the court house, "They're trying to stop me from making my documentary and I'm fighting for my rights. They're not being fair. It's not about the money. It's about my life." Ojani says he plans to continue with his $100 million against JLo. In the meantime....

Ojani whipped out a calendar he made using the second best disposable camera on the market and the finest paper Kinko offers. Apparently, he's going to try to sell that shit next week. Unfortunately, the proceeds will not go towards the "Get This Hairy Bitch Some Hot Tweezers Fund." Ojani is selling it, because his checking account has flatlined.

When Peta put out this ad of Joanna Krupa practically masturbating with a crucifix while a bunch of sad dogs watched from below, they knew very well that the Catholic League would clutch their rosaries and shit communion wafers over this. Well, the Catholic Church has taken the bait and condemned this ad to the depths of Hell!

The President of the Catholic League issued this statement to Fox411: "The fact is that cats and dogs are a lot safer in pet stores than they are in the hands of PETA employees. Moreover, pet stores don't rip off Christian iconography and engage in cheap irreligious claims. PETA is a fraud. It also has a long and disgraceful record of exploiting Christian and Jewish themes to hawk its ugly services. Those who support this organization sorely need a reality check. They also need a course in Ethics 101."

Joanna Krupa, who considers herself a devout Catholic (meaning she owns the Chant CD), shot back at the Catholic League, "As a practicing Catholic, I am shocked that the Catholic League is speaking out against my PETA ads. I'm doing what the Catholic Church should be doing, working to stop senseless suffering of animals, the most defenseless of God's creation."

The Catholic League is talking about ethics, and Joanna Krupa says she is saving animals by getting nekkid with a crucifix?!? This is just too much. MIND BOGGLED. I would ask Mr. Catholic himself Mel Gibson to make sense of all of this, but I'm pretty sure he's busy "cleansing" this ad in private.

Major Cindy Williams (Schlemiel, Schlemazel!!!) of the Florida Highway Patrol glided up to the podium today to announce that Tiger Woods will not face any criminal charges for killing a fire hydrant and running into a tree. However, Tiger will get a $164 ticket for careless driving. Major Cindy also said that there were no claims of Elin Nordegren whooping a trick and they will not seek a warrant to look into Tiger's medical records. The case is now closed!

I'm sure none of you read any of that, because you were too busy staring into Major Cindy's luminous eyes. I too am mesmerized by her. I just want to climb over the podium and find a way to sit my nalgas on her hat. That hat was made to hug butt cheeks. It's calling my ass cheeks' names (Used & Abused).

And if you some of you still aren't sure what happened that fateful November night, then let the Chinese explain it to Sims-style. You will understand why Elin went crazy that night. You might want to slap a bitch too if you constantly had a bubble of that whore Rachel Uchitel (holding a vacuum cleaner) following you.

This is a 50-year-old clip of Marilyn Monroe hanging out with two butchies and smoking what they say is a joint filled with the good shit. The person who took the video recently sold it to a Marilyn collector for around $275,000. The video taker, who wants to remain anonymous, told Reuters, "I got it (the pot). It was mine. It was just passed around. It was not a party. It was just a get-together. You know, come over and hang out."

Marilyn could be puffing on a rolled cigarette, but let's just believe it's a delicious marijuana peenus. That way I can spend the rest of my night trying to come up with stoner titles for all her movies. Examples: All About Weed, Gentlemen Prefer Bongs, Let's Make It Legal, The Seven Year Toke, etc...etc...

(Thanks Susan)

When it rains whores, it pours whores. Rachel Uchitel can kindly step out of the spotlight now, because there's a new trick on the scene. A 24-year-old Los Angeles cocktail waitress (aren't they all?) has run off to UsWeekly to queef to them about her 31-month long affair with Tiger Woods.

Before you laugh at her, you should know that she was a part of Vh1's Tool Academy (her boyfriend was the one who looked like Blake Lewis on growth hormones). She is educated! Educated people do not tell lies!

The aptly named Jaimee Grubbs swears that she has over 300 sexy texts, voicemails and pictures from Tiger which proves that they did it on the down low. Jaimee says they started boning in April 2007 and they did it exactly 20 times. See, Jaimee really is educated, because she can count.

If this is true, then Tiger gets an F minus in cheating. You never leave a paper trail! You just get in, get off and go to confession to say sorry to Jesus. There's no texting in cheating!

And somewhere in Florida, Elin Nordegren is polishing her favorite club to get it ready for round two. Tiger better sleep in full body armor tonight.

So this is why I can't find a bottle of Sun-In anywhere! - Popsugar

Oh look, there's Serena Williams' titty - Egotastic!

Alicja Bachleda's skin must be made out of rubber - Hollywood Tuna

The gays of G-A-Y want to see Jedward's peens - Towleroad

Meryl Streep looking hot on the cover of Vanity Fair - Lainey Gossip

That guy from The OC has been working out - Just Jared

Jessica Simpson would look a lot better if she was spinning above us while a Donna Summer song played (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Amy Wino needs to take note - Hollywood Rag

I agree - Cityrag

Nicole Richie is starring in what sounds like a groundbreaking and completely original sitcom - Celebitchy

Dawson's got a new lady friend - ICYDK

This is a travesty - SOW

Glamberace is a former fatty - I'm Not Obsessed

Dear Alec Baldwin, stop being such a rude little pig - Socialite Life

Ultimo needs to upgrade the newest version of Photoshop - Holy Moly!

I don't think I've ever percolated over Chris Noth before, but these pictures of him in Miami yesterday are giving me a little fever. But I could be feeling that because it's colder than Nicole Kidman's ass lips outside of my window and I want to be where Chris is.

And yes, I'd hit it while braiding his hairy nipple tails.

At the Up In The Air premiere in Westwood, CA last night, George Clooney pranced on the red carpet with his piece of the moment Elisabetta Canalis on one arm and his hot mom Nina Warren on the other. George introduced his mother to the paps and then pointed at Elisabetta while saying, "this random woman just came up!" Speaking of random women, Sarah Larson probably disguised herself as an usher and hid under his seat inside of the theater. So George shouldn't joke like that. But what George should do is bring his mother around more often.

Seriously, Nina Warren looks younger than George Clooney. If I had just danced with my bong and you told me that Nina Warren was George's daughter, I'd probably believe you. And if Nina Warren is like every other mother, she probably loves hearing that.

Every time someone tells my mother that she looks way too young to have a son my age, she'll laugh and say, "Oooooh, you so crazy!" But then when they walk away from us, she'll push me and scream, "Did you hear that?! Did you hear that?!" Every single time. I better prepare her for the day that someone says to her, "You look like you could be his granddaughter!" She will explode into a tornado of didyouhearthats.

The next season of The Amazing Race just started shooting a few days ago, and the identities of possible cast members are already leaking out.

Jordan, the winner of Big Brother 11, was spotted at LAX with her fellow BB-cast member turned real-life boyfriend Jeff. They had cameras following them and were both wearing backpacks. It gets worse. Or better, depending on how you look at it. Caitlin "Such As" Upton, the former Miss Teen South Carolina who gave one of the dumbest answers in pageant history, has also been identified as a possible contestant. Apparently, Caitlin is racing with her boyfriend Brent Horne.

CBS isn't going to confirm this shit until taping is over.

All my fellow Americans better visit other countries while we still can. I have a feeling that every country these dumb dumbs visit will pass a law banning all American tourists from crossing their borders. If Jordan & Jeff don't offend the locals, Miss Such As will!

Although, I doubt Miss Such As even made it to the first destination city. She probably got lost inside of the car on the way to the airport. She's either stuck in the trunk or trying to figure out how to open the passenger door. Just leave her there.

In case you need to cringe today, here's Miss Such As in action:

Sources: Reality Fan Forum & Survivor Sucks (via ONTD)

Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the White House party crashers, went on Today this morning to extend their 15 seconds of fame (and I'm falling for it). The Salahis are in talks to join the cast of The Real Housewives of DC, which is on Bravo. Bravo and NBC are brother and sister. Today is on NBC. You do the math.

Even though both the White House and the Secret Service say the Salahis were not invited to last week's state dinner, they claim they were. Michaele then said a bunch of things that she really should have saved for amateur comedy night. Michaele said that the accusations of them being party crashers has destroyed everything they've worked so hard for (HA!) and that their homes have been invaded by the media (HA! HA!). Michaele continued to whine that they have been misrepresented by paparazzi forums (HA! HA! HA!). And finally, she promised that the truth will definitely come out (PRIZE WINNING JOKE AT THE APOLLO!).

Tareq and Michaele are providing documents and e-mails to the Secret Service and are confident that their names will be cleared.

I hope that Bravo's cameras are rolling when Michaele hands the Secret Service an e-mail from an exiled Nigerian prince promising them an invitation to the state dinner in exchange for $10,000US.

And Ken Paves should've crashed this interview to moisturize that bitch's thirstay weave.