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My shit was sooooo close to seeing that epic shit show New in Town. I figured instead of having a Super Bowl day, I'd have a super suck day by watching that mess. I guessed the theater would be empty as shit. Not even the movie theater mice (they exist in NYC) would stick around to view a crap fiesta that looks like it was made ten years ago and kept on the shelf. The poster even smells like moth balls. Anyway, I love an empty theater, because it's like sitting in your living room. You can act the fool. And you can also get sexy.

Seriously, if you and your lovah ever find yourselves without a place to do fucky shit, go see a movie like New in Town. You can pretty much guarantee that nobody else will be in the theater. That way you can suck dick without some prude calling the cops or some sucio bitch jacking to your action. It's important that bombs like New in Town exist! They are giving a home to sluts who have no place to hone their craft.

But I am surprised that New in Town made more than a couple of food stamps. It actually made $6.8 million. It still tanked, but I can't believe that many bitches actually gave up money for it. I mean, IN THIS ECONOMY! Speaking of wasting cash, Mall Cop was the #2 movie this weekend after 2 weeks at #1. If you want to see a foolio on a Segway, just watch this over and over again.

Below is the weekend's top 10:

1. Taken - $24.6 million
2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $14 million
3. The Uninvited - $12.5 million
4. Hotel for Dogs - $8.7 million
5. Gran Torino - $8.6 million
6. Slumgdog Millionaire - $7.7 million
7. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - $7.2 million
8. New in Town - $6.8 million
9. My Bloody Valentine 3D - $4.3 million
10. Inkheart - $3.7 million

HA! Squinty Zellweger got beat by Hotel for Dogs!

The God of the Sea, Michael Phelps, admitted it was him giving a bong blow job in the picture that has now become my new iPhone wallpapers. Was there even any argument if that was Phelps in the picture? I'd recognize that butterface if he had two paper bags over his head was 10 Olympic pools away and the lights were out. For real.

Tokerhead Michael Phelps issued this little statement to AP: "I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."

Bitch is just sorry he was stupid enough to let someone take a picture of his ass in action. You better not get caught again, Phelps! Seriously, take that bong to a private area, so whores can't ruin the fun! I hope Debbie Phelps slapped him with her Chico's clutch for getting caught. The bitch who leaked this picture should be thrown in a damn jail cell without weed for a year. I'm assuming they were in on the ganja fun too. They broke the stoner's code: stoners don't rat out fellow stoners. FOR SHAME.

And this isn't even a big deal. It's not like he was snorting heroin off of a baby's ass while giving the Hitler salute. It's nothing.

I would've gotten "MY ASS LIPS TINGLE FOR PHELPS" tattooed on my nalgas if he just said, "Yeah, I smoke weed. You should too."

And he made it! American just got a lot more beautiful, because Prince Harvey of England rolled into LAX today on his royal throne with his subjects behind his ass where they belong. They should be fanning him and feeding him chocolate covered grapes.

Anyway, Harvey is here to save the day! Shit. He could probably save our economy with a couple of visits to In-N-Out. Harvey brings us hope! Seriously, I feel so grateful for two Harvey sightings in just one weekend. It's like seeing a unicorn through a rainbow. Harvey hardly makes appearances, because he prefers to keep his shit private, so this is extra special.

I am fucking writing this shit from the other side of the moon because I just went over it. Yes, I said it.

Harvey 4 EVA! I seriously hope he's in Los Angeles to play Saffy in the American version of AbFab (see below). That I would watch.

Remember Lisa Loeb? Her voice was most likely a major part of your life in 1994, because that "Stay" song fucking stayed in your head for the entire year. You couldn't escape it!

After the virus known as Stay terrorized the world, Lisa moved on to some other music shit, but that didn't really pan out, because she ended up doing that reality show on E! a few years ago. The show followed her ass around as she tried to land a man! Well, bitch's search has ended.

Lisa married Roey Hershkovitz, the music supervisor for Late Night with Conan O'Brien, yesterday in NYC. The two started officially boning two years ago. They got engaged this past November.

People has all the amazing and totally interesting wedding details like what kind of flowers she fucking carried and what they pigged out on. Fascinating.

Besides the Stay shit, I can't say a bad thing about Lisa. That's why I need to slap my eyeballs for the porny thoughts that enter my head when I think about her. I can't fucking help it, but whenever I see a picture of her, I automatically think of (NSFW, obviously) CumCoveredGlasses.Net. I think that's the real reason glasses were invented.

And guttertrashmind is a serious illness. Thankfully, there's no cure!

Kristen Johnston gave EW a little more information on what's going on with the new American butchery of the beloved Absolutely Fabulous. Kristen corrected the previous rumors that she's in talks to play Edie. Bitch is in the running for Patsy. Some bitch named Kathryn Hahn is in talks to play Edie. Okay, Kristen is more of a Patsy, but that still doesn't make it right.

I wish Kristen would have stopped right there when talking about this mess. Instead, she had to go further which drove the knife deeper into my back. The tip is practically sticking out of my chest. Kristen confirmed my deepest darkest fears about the show. They are basically taking away all the dirty shit and turning it into a big bowl of lukewarm Cream of Wheat made with tap water instead of milk.

Feel the pain when reading Kristen describe this future caca show, "I think they captured the exact amount of sweetie-darling. I mean, it’s a totally different element, it’s a totally different show. We don’t smoke, we are hungover all the time, we chew Nicorette, we’re trying to be more PC, but I think it really works. It’s one of those scripts that’s like my favorite kind because on paper you’re like, Oh, this is funny, but when you read it out loud with two actresses, it’s, like, the funniest shit ever."

Basically, this sounds more like a remake of that disaster High Society. This doesn't sound like
AbFab at fucking all. Why don't they just rename the characters and change the damn title to something like, Boiled Broccoli with No Velveeta On Top. Why drag the beautiful AbFab name down with them?

And on another note, when did Kristen Johnston become a garden lizard? Throw some dead flies at her mouth. That will keep her busy so she won't partake in effing up a TV classic.

Tommy Girl and his roboladies are currently spreading their fakery all over Brazil! I'm guessing Tommy is in town to promote that Nazi comedy nobody cares about. Oh and he's also sampling the local sausage at every Peenascaria in town.

If Tommy would stop waving at everyone like he's the damn president of gay troll land (which he is), he'd notice that Suri is tired of this fuckery. And I wish someone would punch Stepford Katie in her hard drive so she'd wake up out of screensaver mode and see that Suri is trying to stop the madness. No, instead they dragged Suri to the beach for some more photo-ops!

Tommy, Suri, Katie and a million bodyguards went to a beach that is only open to military families. Suri watched the children play, Tommy continued to be a creepy gnome and Katie started to go near the water, but realized it could electrocute her system so she backed off.

In case you haven't seen this, I won't give away the ending, but just watch the whole thing. It starts out with the sads, but there's a surprise (and suspect) guest at the end. GUILTY! I think he's hiding out with Spaghetti Cat and Stains!

Thanks Kay

Chi-Chi's Microwaveable taco (or burrito) meat! - First of all, this shit is called Chi-Chi's. That's an automatic win. Second of all, the whole shit is microwave ready. You don't even to have stress yourself out by scooping the meat into a bowl and then into the microwave. It's ready! Third of all, it's fucking packaged meat. Fourth of all, it's called Chi-Chis. Yes, it might give you mud butt, but that's a small price to pay when you're a lazy fucking bitch like myself.

For cherry.blossoms

Michael C. Hall (38)
Lauren Conrad (23)
Gavin Henson (27)
Big Boi (34)
Brian Krause (40)
Lisa Marie Presley (41)
Pauly Shore (41)
Meg Cabot (42)
Sherilyn Fenn (44)
Princess Stephanie of Monaco (44)
Linus Roache (45)
Jackie Shroff (52)
Sherman Helmsley (71)
Don Everly (72)