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Kevin Jonas has announced that he is engaged to a man trying to pass as Haylie Duff his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa! Dude is going to have a dick boner until his wedding night. Unless, this is "the gay" one. If that's the case, then his ass lips won't stop quivering until his wedding day, because he will finally a cover-up that will allow him to go frolic amongst the peens!

People says that Kevin proposed to Danielle this morning at her house in New Jersey (DUH). Kevin said, "It was tough performing last night, knowing that I was going to ask the biggest question in my life to the most amazing girl in the world. She said yes, yes, yes like 500 times super fast in a row." 21-year-old Kevin and 22-year-old Danielle met two years ago in the Bahamas.

Congrats to these two little lovebirds. Hopefully, Danielle can teach Kevin all about the importance of eyebrows. Kevin's virgin caterpillar brows desperately need to be "PLUCKED!"

And this time a double-sided dildo was not involved!

You know, I'm not usually afraid of heights, but this video and the pictures from today's opening of "The Ledge" on top of the Sears Tower in Chicago practically made my knee caps crack themselves.

The all-glass balconies are suspended 1,353 in the air on the 103rd floor. One ho said, "It's like walking on ice." No, it's like walking to your death. It's only for kids, because they don't realize that it's real life.

I feel sorry for the janitors, because think of all the pee pee, caca, vomit and internal organs they will have to clean up.

When my ass didn't have cable, I used to watch Are You Being Served? all the time, so this news hurts deep! The Daily Mail says that Mollie Sugden, the genius actress who played Mrs. Slocombe on the show, died today at the age of 86. Mollie's agent said that she was battling an illness for quite some time.

Mollie is survived by her twin sons. They were by her side when she went off to the giant department store in the sky.

Mrs. Slocombe is my forever favorite on that show, because she talked about her pussy all the time. Mrs. Slocombe in her cotton candy wig yammering on about her pussy will make me laugh until I queef every time.

Rest in peace, Mrs. Slocombe... Heaven is now brighter. No, it really is, because of her technicolor wigs.

Here's a classic clip of Mrs. Slocombe talking about her wet pussy.

Living Lohan only lasted one season and White Oprah tells Life & Style that it was her choice to quit that bitch. Yeah, she wants us to believe that she willingly walked away from a working camera. Don't shove chalk up my nose and tell me it's coke!

White Oprah said, "I only did the show to defuse the rumors. And then they wanted us to do these crazy things, like my son cheating on his girlfriend, me faking a pregnancy. I was like, 'No, no, no! They had ideas that weren't conducive to our ideas."

Like we'd believe White Oprah could actually conceive a child. I'm sure Child Protective Services has already confiscated her uterus by law.

The producers probably just asked her to pretend to be a good mother. CRAZY!!!

Gary, Indiana has lost another one of their own. R.I.P. Karl Malden - L.A. Times

Beyonce suddenly has a case of the shies - Hollywood Tuna

Stephanie Pratt takes her new nose to the beach - Popsugar

Tommy Girl is reunited with his Australian peen partner - Lainey Gossip

HoHan finally washed her hair - Just Jared

Melody Thornton is thisclose to showing her pussycat (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Bar Refaeli gets nekkid for art - Egotastic!

Fast food = Sex acts - Towleroad

Taco Bell obviously didn't get the memo - Hollywood Rag

Why does Mike Tyson have a Larry King tattoo? - Cityrag

After watching the epic grossness below, I needed a palette cleanser. So here's a squirrel eating a lemon without making a Squinty Zellweger face. I hope that after the squirrel threw down the lemon and attacked the camera, he went to rescue his friend Chichi Squirrel.

VIA Buzzfeed

No, this isn't lost footage from Katie Couric's colon cam. It's also not a clip from Tommy Girl's sex tape or shots of Parasite Hilton's used tampon. It's video from a sewer cam in North Carolina of something that will haunt my stomach for days to come. Fuck lunch. Fuck dinner. Fuck eating. And fuck toilets too, because I know this dark-sided shit beast has the power to crawl up and pay your ass a visit. There's no room in my ass for more grossness. I'm sorry.

Gawker says that the creature of my nightmares is nothing but a mound of worms who have attached themselves to roots. Knowing this still didn't curb my dry heaves. The damage is done.

Open wide, it's time for a large serving of CUNT STEW. Actually, this time it's CUNT PAELLA, because Fishsticks Paltrow is taking us to Spain! It's like her second home (Hell being her first). In true Fishsticks fashion, she couldn't just say "I LOVE SPAIN." No, she had to add that the United States sucks dirty ass, because there's not a building here that was made before 1991.

In an interview with the Associated Press (done entirely in Spanish, of course), Fishy yapped, "It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible. Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more. They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their Blackberries on."

Fishsticks really knows EVERYTHING about Spain. On Sunday afternoons, Pedro Almodovar takes Spanish lessons from Fishy so he can be even more "Spanish-ier." It's true.

In possibly related news, the entire population of Spain just moved to Antarctica.

The will of Michael Jackson was filed in Los Angeles today and TMZ got a hold of it. As expected, MJ named his mother Katherine as legal guardian of Prince Michael, Blanket and Paris. If Katherine wasn't able to care for the kids for any reason, he wanted Miss Diana Ross to be their guardian.

Yeah, I didn't see that one coming. Joe Jackson is totally rubbing his palms together, because his dream of The Jackson 3 is getting closer.....

The will also states Michael's estate is worth $500 million. Everything has been left to the Michael Jackson Family Trust. The co-executors of the trust are John Branca (his lawyer), John McCain (former presidential candidate) and Barry Siegel (his accountant) NO! Not John McCain. I'm telling dumb jokes. John McCLAIN who is a music executive is one of the executors. I thought I'd give your eyeballs a jump.

The details of the trust are not public, but apparently the money goes to Katherine, his kids and various charities.

And in more Michael news, KTLA says that he will not be buried at Neverland. There's currently a law that forbids burials on private property. Gov. Schwarzenegger is trying to help the family get around the law, but so far no dice. Also, the planned public viewing at Neverland on Friday or Saturday might not happen after all. Santa Barbara County officials have yet to confirm that it's happening.

By the way, I must have that sweater in the picture above. I'll be making my own version tonight using an old sweatshirt and metal push pins from Rite-Aid.

Is there anything The Real Housewives of New Jersey's own Danielle Staub can't do? Coke whore, kidnapper, stripper, accidental amateur porn star and now.......SOAP ACTRESS EXTRAORDINAIRE! Above is Danielle's scene on All My Children back in 2001 before she got effed in the face with a Botox needle. Danielle played Maura, Jackson Montgomery's dinner date. Danielle even had a moment with Josh Duhamel! You know she's telling everyone at The Chateau that she once starred in a hit primetime TV show with the guy from Transformers.

My favorite part is when Jackson says, "Do the words long dry spell mean anything to you?" Um. Jackson, do the words "PROSTITUTION WHORE-AH" mean anything to you? Maura will moisten your desert crotch for a stack of twenties. The "wining and dining" part is not necessary.

VIA Soapnet