Archives

Over a week ago, there was a rumor going around that a 25-year-old Norweigan performer who goes by the name of Omer Bhatti was Michael Jackson's secret lovechild. The story goes that Michael and Omer's mother Pia had an affair. According to The Mirror, Omer denied away and said that he is not related to the Jacksons at all. Omer, who knew Michael for 13 years and even lived at Neverland for a while, said that they were best friends, but that his true father lives in Norway. Enter Joe Jackson.......

In an interview with NewsOne, Joe Jackson tucked his devil tail in, put his pitchfork underneath the table and said that Michael Jackson IS THE FATHER. Joe said that he always knew Omer as Michael's own son. Joe went on to say that Omer looks like a Jackson, acts like a Jackson and can dance like a Jackson. But what Joe really wants to know is if Omer can make money like a Jackson? I think The Jackson 3 just became The Jackson 4! Joe's waving his pimp hand around Omer's head! If you look directly into Joe's eyes and don't turn to stone, you'll see little glittery dollar signs forming in his pupils. Or maybe they're just shiny from the ludes.

A sperm bank in Los Angeles has launched a new feature to help prospective baby batter buyers pick a load. California Cryobank has started posting pictures of celebrity dudes who kind of look like the donor. They said they spent 6-months researching and matching famous dudes with jizz droppers in their inventory.

Scott Brown of Cryobank told KTLA, "The number one client question we get is: `Who does this donor look like?' We decided this would be a great way to give thorough and consistent answers. Clients love it. Look-a-Likes has only been available for a week and our Web site traffic is up 50 percent."

I really want to see the look on the woman's face who thinks she's going to give birth to a miniature Neo from the Matrix and instead gets THAT (see above). I wonder if they have a 30-day money back guarantee?

Their official celebrity spoog list is a big bowl of randomness. If you want your babeh to look like one of the dudes below, then you probably shouldn't be procreating:

Brad Garrett
Clay Aiken
Danny Goeky
Jon Gosselin
Nick Jonas (his sperm is illegal!!!!)
Quentin Tarantino

There's no Rojo Caliente, Mah Boo Anderson Cooper or Prince Hot Ginge on this list! Try harder, Cryobank!

I also didn't notice Brad Pitt on the list. Jennifer Aniston must have bought their entire stock.

Jude Law's spokeswhore tells EW that he's going to be a papa je'e for the fourth time, but they wouldn't give up identity of the mother! ESCANDALO! SANTO DIOS! (insert your favorite Spanish soap opera saying here) This is what Jude's rep said:

“Jude Law can confirm that, following a relationship last year, he has been advised that he is to be the father of a child due in the fall of this year. Mr. Law is no longer in a relationship with the individual concerned but he intends to be a fully supportive part of the child’s life. This is an entirely private matter and no other statements will be made.”

Robert Downey Jr. needs to break out his Sherlock Holmes outfit (sans blouse) and bring out the magnifying glass, because we need to know who the mother is! I'm not going to ask Maury to step in, because finding out the true identity of a baby's mother is not his beat!

After a super quick search, I've narrowed it down to 4 possibilities: Cameron Diaz (HA), KFed, this crazy bitch, and the pap he allegedly hit in the head (domestic drama). I didn't include Sienna Miller in this, because that ho is not going to let some baby friend get in the way of her slutting it up. Bitch is smarter than that!

Miley Cyrus' self-proclaimed #1 fan was arrested in Georgia, because he actually admitted to being a Miley fan. That is a crime. And he also told the cops that they are meant to be together, because she sends him secret messages on her TV show. John Mark Karr, please clear your top bunk, because I think you've got yourself a new roommate/bff.

TMZ says that 53-year-old Mark McLeod was arrested last month on the set of Miley's movie in Tybee Island, GA after he made raunchy comments to some young girls in the crowd. According to police reports, Mark confessed to spying on Miley for 3 to 4 days. Creepy McCreepster told the cops that he was going to marry Miley no matter what. Dude even invited the cops to their wedding. He also claimed that he sent the future Mrs. McLeod (NOT RIGHT) two $2,000 diamond rings.

Poor Miley has a skeezy older Southern man with fug hair obsessing over her in a totally creepy way. Oh, wait.

Mark was released shortly after his release and now his whereabouts are unknown. The LAPD has been warned about his pedo ass since Miley lives in Los Angeles.

And in case you need more proof that this dude should probably be in a straitjacket, here's a video from March of him telling the NYDN that Miley speaks to him through paparazzi pictures. You know he really has the crazies in a bad way, because he says New Yorkers are really friendly. I'm offended by that statement!

Someone who went to high school with The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak sent in this truly precious yearbook picture from her freshmen year in 1980. NO, it's not from 1980. Apparently, she was a freshmen in 1993, so that means she really (WARNING: clear your throat of anything you might choke on) is 30.

This picture might be from 1993, but her hair is straight out of 1987. Bitch's hair was tardy for the party. Seriously, I can smell the AquaNet (the pink can) and sweat from the hours of teasing with a tube brush wafting off of this picture. Why does the Kim of today cover up the electric youth gorgeousness with a fall made out of hair from fallen Barbies? Kim needs to free the half-dead bleached raccoon on her head and bring this look back! Speaking of half-dead beasts.....

Here's some pictures from last night's premiere party for season two of RHOA. Please tell me they caught the criminal who attacked Sheree's head with a taser gun and Kim's face with a turkey baster filled with liquid nails. ILLEGAL! Visit Freddyo to witness more Grade A fuckery from last night.

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Maru with a Japanese last name

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 26, 2009
Claim to Fame: Maru became a viral superstar sensation for starring in YouTube videos of him jumping out of boxes and getting stuck in things. Pussy is more talented than 95% of the whores in Hollywood. I bet Heidi Montag can't even open a box on her own, let alone jump in and out of one. That wasn't meant to sound nastay.

Where is he now? This is his website and it almost documents his every move. So you can really know where he is every second.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because pussies going spastic usually make me feel queasy, but I can't get enough of Maru. I think it's time to clone him. Below is a video featuring my reasons for making that statement:

I knew it! Alien Princess RiRi's nipple is sparkly and shaped like a star - Hollywood Tuna

$16 for four bottles of Sunkist? Throw a Tru Blood sticker on it and I'm sold - Towleroad

Mr. Belding has some new peen-polishing material - Egotastic!

Brit Brit and her luscious mop of seaweave are back in the states - Popsugar

London Fog let Gis Bundchen's baby out of the bump - Lainey Gossip

Jade Goody's widower wants a piece of Katie Price. Harvey definitely does not approve - Holy Moly!

HOLD ME! Christian Bale is making my genitals cry cry cry (and not in a sexy way) - Just Jared

Audrina Patridge's piece probably looks a lot hotter through her jacked up ceiling eyes (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Getting her ass dumped paid off for Jessica Simpson - Popeater

This sand sculpture of Michael Jackson circa Thriller doesn't look scary, but it does look constipated - Hollywood Rag

Celebwhore ass crack quiz - Cityrag

Come at me, Marilyn Manson! I'd say it all to your face, but you'd forget all about it when I hypnotize you with a delicious cupcake! - ICYDK

Bar Refaeli might be the new Gis Bundchen. And Gis Bundchen might be the new Bridge Moynahan - Celebitchy

January Jones has to go on Squinty Zellweger's Eat Everything In Sight diet - I'm Not Obsessed

Oh, Jon Gosselin was just on his way to cut out a piece of pie - Socialite Life

It looks like Brad Pitt had a few dozen swigs of what we call holy water at last night's after-party for Inglourious Basterds in Berlin. Brad is making the exact same facial expression as Old Baby at the beginning of Benjamin Button. The Curious Case of German Beer!

OK! says that Brad didn't leave the after-party until 2 in the morning. Oooooooh, St. Angie is going to git him for this! She's going to punish him by making him sleep in the same room with her without his earplugs! That's torture since her hypnotic vagina hums all of Stravinsky's religious symphonies throughout the night. And it's always off-key.

Brad probably thought she'd never find out, but GOD is always watching. No, seriously, I think St. Angie pays God under the table to check in on Brad when she's not around.

I say let the old goat frolic through the drunk clouds every now and again. If I had a zillion screaming little deities at home, I'd be injecting liquid Percocet into my nipple holes every hour on the hour. So two (or twenty) beers is nothing.

The Jersey Shore Store (smells like hairspray crust, AXE tanning oil, taffy wrappers and low tide) in NYC unveiled their wax figures of both The Boss and Ol' Blue Eyes yesterday. At least they say it's Bruce and Frank, but I've crossed my eyes while trying to tell myself in a Jersey accent that it's them and I still don't see it.

Although, I'm a little distracted, because I'm trying to ignore the goose bumps on my no-no from looking at Bruce's wax statue. SUCIO! Seriously, when you're telling yourself, "I'd hit that candledick," it might be time for a slut-ervention. Call Candy Finnigan!

YES!!! I'm so excited....I'm so excited....I'm so....ooold. Yes, this People Magazine cover starring the cast of Saved By The Bell reminds me that I will soon be spending my days licking on Werther's Originals and talking to my Pantyhose Dolls in the retirement home, but who cares?! This is what all magazine covers should look like! The best part is that People used the "U DON'T EXIST" Photoshop tool to erase Screech from the 1989 cast photo.

Now if only there was a Photoshop tool to erase the images from his (NSFW) sex tape from my brain. Screech ruined Dirty Sanchezes for me.

VIA Cover Awards