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Kelly Clarkson performed on Good Morning America yesterday and decided to lick on the giant gaysicle known as Sam Champion (tastes like pancake make-up, bronzer, urinal cakes, glory hole dust and the back of Diane Sawyer's hand).

You can't tell from this picture, but Sam's penis has crawled up into his stomach and his yes-yes hole looks like a slug after getting doused in salt. The reason? A woman's tongue has never been that close to Sam and he doesn't know how to handle it! Sam is trying to focus. He's using his gaymagination to picture Kelly's tongue as a rock hard nine incher. You can tell by the look in his eyes that's it's not working.

This video montage from the geniuses at Everything Is Terrible had me laughing, crying for mommy, calling my local congressman and checking the registered offenders list for the name Yogi Ogi Dogi. Is PedoBear a trust fund baby, because who in what actually invested money in this?!

Even the damn cow is making me want to crawl under my bed. Cows should not say "Mmmmm" like that!

The only thing missing from this video is Chris Hansen dose e' doe-ing of that barn in overalls. Everyone needs to have a seat!

I don't know if I can ever breathe again without feeling like I've been violated.

This Halloween, the scariest costume on the streets will include the Kate Gosselin wig* (or the "Eight Is Too Much" wig for legal purposes).

If Kate's possum hair and Kim Zolciak's Barbie head of broken dreams had unprotected angry sex together while the ASPCA tried to separate them with a garden hose, this wig is what their baby would look like! Seriously, it will probably haunt my night terrors tonight. If you wear this out in public, be prepared for every nutsack around you to burst and every child to run for cover. And you better stay away from any kind of marsupial, because if they spot you, they will hump your head until completion.

P.S. - IS the wig model Kimmy Gibler?!!!!!?

* Cuntface not included

Source (Thanks Amy)

HoHan got herself a new fried peroxide mop of straw and she also got herself a new job that pays actual money! Yes, her dealer doesn't have to report her to the collection agency of his choice, because it looks like that bill is going to get paid!

And this job doesn't involve making milkshakes or hawking tan phlegm. No, HoHan landed a role in Robert Rodriguez's next movie Machete. She Twattered the news yesterday. Hopefully for her, this one isn't going to premiere on a Saturday at 2am on Public Access or go directly to a Dollar Tree discount bin.

The movie starts filming in Austin in 2 weeks. According to IMDB, this is the plot:

"Federale Machete is hired by some unsavory types to assassinate a senator. But just as he's about to take the shot, he notices someone aiming at him and realizes he's been set up. He barely survives the sniper's bullet, and is soon out for revenge on his former employers, with the reluctant assistance of his old friend, who has become a priest and taken a vow of nonviolence. If you hire him to take out the bad guys, make sure the bad guys aren't you!"

This shit also stars Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez. Robert DeNiro, Jonah Hill and Steven Seagal are still in talks to take a role. And yes, Michelle Rodriguez and HoHan on the same film set. Austin is going to run out of the bad shit and someone's vagina lip is going to get torn in a freak coochie bumping accident. It's inevitable.

Here's HoHan trolling around yesterday and also some pictures of her and SamRo being trash outside of 7-Eleven on Thursday. HoHan says that she went back to blonde for the movie role. So I'm guessing she's playing White Oprah in this shit?

Jessica Simpson Twittered this out loud yesterday and really....I can't.....really. I know I'm not one to talk, but...DAMN TO THE FUCK! This has got my two (or three at the most) working brain cells twitching. I mean, she gave us "lazyiness," but spelled "grammar" correctly? Scientists should really study whatever is left of her brain.

You know she probably tried to go to Dictionary.com to answer her question of the century, but ended up at Dicktionary.com instead. For the rest of the day, she only used phrases like "cervix crusader," "baloney pony," and "man-milk dispenser." Papa Joe had the best day ever. His panties didn't.

VIA ONTD

Just two months after splitting up, UsWeekly says that Parasite Hilton and frozen burrito heir Doug Reinhardt are back to mixing their STDs together. Wonky and Doug broke up in the first place, because he was kissing on some other ho or something. Or maybe she got her feelings hurt when Doug called one of her crotch crabs "fat." I don't know! All I know is that they are doing it again.

Doug wrote some sappy grossness on his Facebook page like, "What an amazing weekend with my beautiful girlfriend. I love her so much!" and "Laying in bed watching SportsCenter with my girl."

You might be relieved that Wonky and Doug's toxic skankness is once again contained, but don't let your genital holes breathe easy just YET. The more Wonky and Doug rub on each other, the stronger their STDs get! If you're ever in a 5-mile vicinity of either Wonky or Doug, you better wear a mask over your crotch, mouth and b-hole to protect you from their skank fumes! The Wonky Flu is coming!

Lesley-Anne Down -Peter Burns' long-lost tranny twin and current star of The Bold and the Beautiful! (WARNING: Heimlich moment coming up) 55-year-old has also starred in Sunset Beach, Upstairs, Downstairs and North and South. And she was voted Britain's most beautiful teen when she was 15. I think she's a shoo-in for this year's title of Britain's most beautiful cat alien mannequin. Below are some pictures of Lesley (and her face) throughout the years!

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Ashley Parker Angel (28)
Jason Momoa (30)
James St. James (43)
Sam Mendes (44)
Adam Duritz (45)
John Carroll Lynch (46)
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Chuck D (48)
Giancarlo Giannini (67)
Jack Shea (81)