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After Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor were named knights in France's National Order of Arts in Paris today, they shared a G-rated kiss.

First of all, I've inspected these pictures with a La Toya-approved magnifying glass and I don't see any tongue! They are not following the popular saying, "When in France, touch your co-stars' tonsils with your tongue."

Second of all, Ewan McGregor has his eyes open. It looks like he's counting Jim's eye lashes. Call me a traditionalist, but I believe you should keep your eyes closed while kissing on the mouth, kissing on the vag and kissing on the peen. Especially the last two because you never know when a rogue genital crab is going to jump into your eye. Try to explain that to your eye doctor (speaking from experience...just joking...I think).

And Jim's lesbian haircut has me convinced that if they ever make a feature film on the life of Peter Pan Dude, he should play the title role. Correction: Jim Carrey should play Peter Pan Dude if only Shelley Duvall is not available for whatever reason (aka alien hunting).

The same amazing Japanese TV show that brought us the Columbo dog and the pussy with brows continues to report the important news. They bring us this story of the dog who smiles like she just took a loooooong hit from a joint. I know she's most likely growling at those dumb bitches for chaining her to a pile of crap, but let's just believe she's smiling. Let her owners believe it too so she can continue to lure them in her with "smile" and then bite their finger tips off when they least expect it. That's what they get for keeping her prisoner in front of a junky ass garage.

via The Awl

78-year-old Rip Torn posted $100,000 bail today after spending 3 nights eating cold cheese sandwiches in a Connecticut jail for breaking into a bank with a loaded gun. Rip did not enter a plea to the charges against him today, but his lawyer told the court that he wasn't trying to rob the bank or hurt anyone. Rip was boozed like a Bad Girl and completely confused. The police report states that Rip made Jack Daniels proud by blowing a .203 on his Breathalyzer.

The police also said that Rip kept screaming about how they were taking him away from his house. This made me laugh at the old crazy, but then I saw a picture of the bank:

That bank looks like a fucking house! Banks aren't supposed to look like giant dollhouses! It looks it has comfy beds and delicious apple pies waiting inside. I would think that was my house too if I was a 78-year-old drunk with hair like Pennywise the Clown . Arrest that bank house, not Rip! Rip was set up!

Anyways, Rip's lawyer ended today's hearing by saying that he's going to a rehab facility immediately to try to curb his thirst for the sweet nectar. Rip knows that his family is sick of him being that kind of dad who ruins Christmas by falling on the tree and barfing on all the presents.

Last year, adorable elf people Gael Garcia Bernal and Dolores Fonzi welcomed a baby son named Lazaro into this cruel, heartless world. You would think that a love affair between two magical elves would be filled with rainbows and empanadas, but according to TVyNovelas (via Guanabee) all is not well. Some source is saying that Gael has dumped Dolores and is accusing her of doing ho shit in the first degree.

Gael is about to summon the Maury gods, because he's not sure if baby Lazaro is his or not. Gael has been hearing that Dolores fucked around with film director Luis Ortega right before she got a case of the babies. So there's a chance that Luis' sperm made baby Lazaro.

While reading this scandalous shit, I felt like I was lying on my abuelita's bed watching one of her precious novelas. I was about to speak out, but remembered if I open my mouth during one of her favorites stories I'll get a slap in the teefs from her ring-covered hand.

And if this plays out like one of my abuelita's novelas, then Lazaro will turn out to be the switched baby of Dolores' long-lost evil twin sister who lives in a trailer at the carnival.

Dani from A Shot At Love and something that crawled out of the septic tank on the Rock of Love bus presented at the Grammys together - Lainey Gossip

Miranda Kerr's nekkid ass outtakes from GQ - Egotastic!

Tranny Scarecrow (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Marilyn Manson's cutting has gotten out of hand! He straight up cut his peen off! - Buzzfeed

Posh and a PUPPY on Glamour - Popsugar

The Situation's cologne is going to smell like grenade dust, day-old cum, blue balls, and dirty panties soaked in chlorine - Towleroad

Hayden Pantyass looks like shit - Hollywood Tuna

Biting Off Ears with the Stars - Holy Moly!

Aubrey O'Day walking the red carpet at Denny's premiere Grammys viewing party - Just Jared

How to fight a toddler - Cityrag

Well, maybe Dax Shepard is hung like a burrito - Celebitchy

I'd hit it - SOW

Facebook is a liar - I'm Not Obsessed

This is what Brit Brit should wear to her next wedding - Hollywood Rag

Blanket Jackson was at the Grammys after all - ICYDK

Every year, Annie Leibovitz shoots Vanity Fair's "New Hollywood" issue and this year's cover makes a BYU class picture look like a Benetton ad. I mean, couldn't they have thrown Gabby Sidibe (DUCK!) in there? Or Manny from Modern Family (I'm dead serious)? Or Mimi's Precious moustache? Or shit, they could've slapped a wig on John Cho, slipped him in a Stepford Wifey gown and put him up there.

Anyway, here's the lovely ladies who made the cover. From left to right above: Carey Mulligan, a sad lesbian clown, Abbie Cornish, Mia Wasikowska, Amanda Seyfried, Rebecca Hall, Emma Stone, Evan Rachel Wood and Anna Kendrick.

Amy Wino does not discriminate when it comes to who she lets lick on her labia lesions. The lezzie zombie chasers of the world are in luck!

One of Wino's friends tell the News of the World (I know, I know) that when asked what she thinks about Blaaaaake getting it on with a pre-op transsexual, she answered:

"So what? I like girls as well. I have had relationships with other women but that doesn't mean I don't still love Blake. There is something about being with a woman that is very satisfying. I don't care what people think about me being bi - I do what feels good."

You know, having sex repeatedly with Blaaaake would cause me to run into the open lips of a vagina too. Actually, scratch that. Having sex with Blaaaake would cause me to run into the open arms of a speeding semi-truck.

The White House party crashers are so ten million years ago. Let's all focus our attention on the Grammys crasher: Nadeea. Okay, okay, I don't know for a fact that Nadeea crashed the Grammys, but come on. Nadeea obviously had to jump a fence, crawl under a velvet rope and smuggle herself onto the red carpet by hiding under one of the Jonas Brothers' chastity belts. And thank the fuck she did!

After visiting Nadeea's MySpace page, I still don't know if she's a Russian pop star or a BINGO waitress, but it doesn't really matter. Nadeea doesn't need to make sense, because she made a pair of Easter church shoes from Bakers look slutty. That's worth more than a million broken Grammys.

If Ke$ha got the dollar sign in her name repossessed, because she couldn't make the payments anymore, she would look just like Nadeea. Nadeea is the new and improved Ke$ha. Or should I say Ke¢ha.

And here's a few more beauties who might have crashed the red carpet for a photo-op. They are: Chicken Cutlets (dressed as the Ghost of Famewhores Past), The Situation, Snooks, Aaron Carter, Colonel Sanders' gay nephew, and Adrienne Lau (who needs to invest in a Go Girl).

The Razzies, which dishonors the Heidi Montags of the film world, nominations were announced this morning, and something tells me the Twitards are holding an emergency meeting in front of the Hot Topic at the mall to discuss how they are going to handle the fact that RPattz was nominated not once, but twice! This news is giving the Twitards the opposite case of panty pudding, which I do believe is butt pudding. They're going to need a bigger Twilight diaper.

Sandra Bullock also got a Razzie nomination for All About Steve. So there's a good chance she could get a Razzie one night, and an Oscar the next for that feature length Campbell's Soup commercial.

Here's some of the nominations. Transformers: Revenge of Megan Fox's Acting and Land of the Lost tied for the most nominated with 7. This year, the Razzies will also name a worst actor and actress of the decade. Since I've seen more Razzie nominated movies than Oscar nominated movies, I've highlighted my picks. The things Sienna Miller is going to do with her golden dingle award!

WORST PICTURE OF 2009
"All About Steve"
"G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"
"Land of the Lost"
"Old Dogs""
"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" (a.k.a. "Trannies, Too")

WORST ACTOR OF 2009
All Three Jonas Brothers, "Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience"
Will Ferrell, "Land of the Lost"
Steve Martin, "Pink Panther 2"
Eddie Murphy, "Imagine That"
John Travolta, "Old Dogs"

WORST ACTRESS Of 2009
Beyonce, "Obsessed"
Sandra Bullock, "All About Steve"
Myley Cyrus, "Hannah Montana: The Movie"
Megan Fox, "Jennifer’s Body" and "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
Sarah Jessica Parker, "Did You Hear About the Morgans?"

WORST SCREEN COUPLE OF 2009
Any Two (or More) Jonas Brothers, "The Jonas Brothers 3-D Concert Experience"
Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper, "All About Steve"
Will Ferrell and any co-star, Creature or "Comic Riff," "Land of the Lost"
Shia Lebouf & Either Megan Fox or Any Transformer, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
Kristin Stewart and either Robert Pattinson or Taylor Whatz-His-Fang, "Twilight Saga: New Moon"

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS OF 2009
Candice Bergen, "Bride Wars"
Ali Larter, "Obsessed"
Sienna Miller, "G.I. Joe"
Kelly Preston,"Old Dogs"
Julie White (as Mom), "Trannies, Too"

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR OF 2009
Billy Ray Cyrus, "Hannah Montana: The Movie"
Hugh Hefner (as himself), "Miss March"
Robert Pattinson, "Twilight Saga: New Moon"
Jorma Taccone (as Cha-Ka), "Land of the Lost"
Marlon Wayans, "G.I. Joe"

WORST PICTURE OF THE DECADE
"Battlefield Earth" (2000)
"Freddy Got Fingered" (2001)
"Gigli" (2003)
"I Know Who Killed Me" (2007)
"Swept Away" (2002)

WORST ACTOR OF THE DECADE
Ben Affleck - "Daredevil," "Gigli," "Jersey Girl," "Paycheck," "Pearl Harbor," "Surviving Christmas"
Eddie Murphy - "Adventures of Pluto Nash," "I Spy," "Imagine That," "Meet Dave," "Norbit," "Showtime"
Mike Myers - "Cat in the Hat," "The Love Guru"
Rob Schneider - "The Animal," "Benchwarmers," "Deuce Bigalo: European Gigolo," "Grandma's Boy," "The Hot Chick," "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry," "Little Man," "Little Nicky"
John Travolta - "Battlefield Earth," "Domestic Disturbance," "Lucky Numbers," "Old Dogs," "Swordfish"

WORST ACTRESS OF THE DECADE
Mariah Carey – "Glitter"
Paris Hilton - "The Hottie & The Nottie," "House of Whacks," "Repo: The Genetic Opera"
Lindsay Lohan - "Herbie Fully Loaded," "I Know Who Killed Me," "Just My Luck"
Jennifer Lopez - "Angel Eyes," "Enough," "Gigli," "Jersey Girl," "Maid in Manhattan," "Monster-in-Law," "The Wedding Planner"
Madonna - "Die Another Day," "The Next Best Thing," "Swept Away"

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