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The Dancing with the Stars cast was announced tonight and for the first time in forever I know who every single bitch is and I didn't have to Google to get a clue. Is that a good thing, or does that just mean that I have too much internet and TV in my life? It's the latter, but there's no cure for my problem.

As expected, Kate Gosselin will dress her possum up in rhinestones and shake that shit for the Dollar Tree trophy. I hope Kate doesn't thrust her bits too hard, because a toddler they forgot to deliver might pop out. That would be awkward.

One of my childhood icons Brenda Walsh (government name: Shannen Maria Doherty) is also in that shit, and you better believe she's going to play dirty. My guess is that she'll be kicked off for slapping a trick or pushing a ho down the stairs. You can pretty much assume it's going to be Kate since there can only be one cuntress and it's always Brenda Walsh!

Anyway, here's the full cast. Dancing with the Has-Beens premieres March 22nd.

Kate Gosselin - Mistress of the Possums
Pamela Anderson - The oldest working whore in America
Nicole Scherzingerorhwatever - Pussycat Doll and Apollonia wannabe
Ochocinco - Wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals
Jake Pavelka - A soggy piece of asparagus who happens to be The Bachelor
Brenda Walsh - A bitch you don't fuck with
Aiden Turner - Aiden on All My Children
Neicy Nash - Deputy Williams on Reno 911 and host of Clean House
Erin Andrews - ESPN sportscaster and that chick who got peeped on
Evan Licecheck - Olympic gold medalist and Johnny Weir's arch rival

Finally, 80-year-old astronaut Buzz Aldrin will compete on a Hoveround. No, but he should.

You know, even though I love the pepaws, the wrong Aldrin was cast. Obviously, Buzz's gorgeous wife Lois was born to waltz, sashay and spin:

Although, it probably wouldn't be fair to the other contestants since Lois can hypnotize America into voting for her just by batting her eyelashes.

And when I look into Lois' crystal ball forehead, I can see that Buzz will win this hands down (no, he won't).

While this celebrity was not one of the performers at the Vancouver Winter Olympics, he still managed to make a big impression on some of the athletes there. He was a spectator at one of the outdoor events and was apparently having trouble coping with the cold weather. He later told the athletes that he was so cold during the event that, if he got lucky that night, certain bodily fluids were likely to have the consistency of frozen yogurt. (Blind Gossip)

Vince Vaughn (question mark), and he wasn't joking. He really cums soft-serve

This A list female tweener from a cable channel recently wandered into a party drunk out of her mind. When she first arrived she ignored everyone else and just sat on the lap of the guy who brought her to the party. She then takes out an eight ball of coke and snorts line after line, not even paying attention to the rest of the people at the party. Some people leave, so there's only about 5 or 6 people left, and she keeps saying how hot she is so she just takes off her shirt, breasts totally exposed. At this point everyone else is kind of like "what in the...."

Anyway a little later on, everyone's still drinking, she gets up on this bunk bed that's in the living room with the guy she came with, on the top bed. She just hikes up her skirt and pulls him on top of her. He asks if she wants a condom and she says "nah, fuck it". They then had sex in front of a room of people.

After having sex, the guy she came with passed out. Our tweener got down off the bunk without even saying anything, did some more lines and left. (CDAN)

I don't think this was an A-list tweener. Bitches don't party like that. You know this was YOU wearing your Hannah Montana costume again.

Do you have $35,000? Well, if you do and have an hour to kill, you can have sex with this former B list television actress who has a B list movie actor for a boyfriend. Well I guess he is B list. He had a chance to make A list but his above the line movies have bombed. Our actress is not even bothering to audition for acting jobs at this point. No one can understand how she maintains her lifestyle without acting. Now you know. Oh, the boyfriend doesn't care because he is just not that into women. (CDAN)

Let's see...B-list TV star who could command $35k for one hour. Does anybody know who Marsha Warfield is dating, because she's the only piece in the game worth that much and more.

I pretty much lost faith in the preservation of high art last week after a trailer for the supposed sequel to Showgirls made the internet rounds. It basically looked like a day in the life of Charlie Sheen. Well, a completely different trailer popped up today for a completely different sequel to Showgirls.

This one is written, directed and stars Rena Reiffel, who played "Nobody Fucks A Penny" in the original. FINALLY, we have a cinematic rhinestone worthy of carrying on the good Showgirls name!

Yes, this looks like something a community college film class would do in the costume closet on a Monday night after getting drunk on wine coolers, but it had me at the line: "Whore, now come do my nails."

Source: Boy Culture via ONTD

While leaving some fashion show in Milan this morning, LiLo decided that just a regular picture of her in a car wouldn't sell, so she made it a money shot by throwing a can of Red Bull at the paps. Yes, bitch littered! I'm surprised Bette Midler didn't chase that car down, jump on its roof, pull LiLo out by her weave and then drag her back to the can to pick it up with her teefs. There must an app for that.

And I'm not even sure that's Red Bull liquid. Isn't Red Bull the color of concentrated piss? Maybe that's a cranberry and vodka? No, LiLo would never waste that. Or maybe LiLo threw up a cranberry and vodka into a Red Bull can? Or maybe it's her dirty bath water? Or maybe she wrung out her tampo----- No, no, let's not go to that place. Let's just say it's a Red Bull!

No, the man with Jersey Shore's J-Woww (or JWoo-Hoo if your name is Vicki from Real Housewives of OC) is not Dana Carvey dressed as James Cameron for an SNL Oscar special. It's her daddy Terry Farley! Now we finally know where J-Woww gets her stunning good looks from.

I don't know why J-Woww has been hiding D-Woww. As soon as that Angelina trick and her Hefty luggage set left the shore house, D-Woww should've moved right in. If he danced by himself on the boardwalk, everyone would've gathered around and made it rain dollars on his ass. Seriously, eff those Jersey Shore whores, give DWoww his own show.

Johnny Depp finally spent time with a bottle of shampoo - Popsugar

Don't worry, Brit Brit's weepy nipples will perk back up as soon as she gives them a sip of her Frapp - Hollywood Tuna

Are we sure this isn't Steven Tyler in a two-piece? - The Superficial

Oh no. RPattz's hair is giving me "soccer mom in the morning" vibes - Lainey Gossip

Nicole Kidman never met a Photoshop tool she didn't love - Popoholic

Pamela Anderson giving cunnilingus to an envelope while a creepy seal (distant relative of Pedo Bear?) watches (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ceiling Eyes is looking "different" - Egotastic!

Dancing with the Rabid Possums - Just Jared

Forget about the Liberace lobster on Lady CaCa's head, why the hell is she wearing a mold of Skeletor's claw? - Towleroad

CoCo's ass suffocated the Twitter whale, naturally - Cityrag

Glee is going on tour - I'm Not Obsessed

Nothing says "a precious father/daughter moment" like the presence of lawyers - Celebitchy

Peter Andre not only slathers his own skin with chocolate body oil, but he also slathers it on his fuck buddies too - Holy Moly!

Cyndi Lauper has been hanging around Lady CaCa too much - ICYDK

Kelis must think that if her hair looks like that of a poverty-stricken memaw, Nas will give her more alimony - Hollywood Rag

These two really need to get a room - Socialite Life

Since today's theme seems to be dudes getting oral with peen-shaped food items, here's Vince Vaughn giving Kobayashi a soul boner by getting intimate with a hot dog at an Olympic hockey game over the weekend. Do with these what you will (i.e. fap to them in the bathroom of a Wienerschnitzel). Om nom nom nom.

A few days ago there was a not-so-blind item about a certain Real Housewife dropping the dick and picking up the puss. Everyone pretty much assumed it was the one and only Kim Zolciak of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. UsWeekly is now co-signing that shit by saying that Kim publicly stepped out with her girlfriend of 3 months DJ Tracy Young at the Blacks' Annual Gala in Miami Beach on Saturday. This is like Sally Beauty Supply's answer to Lindsay Lohan and SamRo.

Apparently, Kim was telling everyone how happy she is with DJ Tracy. A source said, "Tracy broke up with her longtime girlfriend to be with Kim. Since they've been together, Tracy lost a lot of weight and got really skinny for Kim. They seem to be beyond happy with each other. The rumor is that Kim Zolciak will come out this season."

DJ Tracy seems like a perfectly lovely gayelle. If you squint your eyes while rubbing your uterus area, she almost looks like a softer version of Kate Gosselin. So why is she fucking around with broke down Kim? It can't be fun having to constantly scrub wig glue off of your inner thighs. And it probably takes more than a few swigs of Listerine to get the taste of Kim's ash tray-flavored snatch out of your mouth.

I'm just going to say this is a publicity stunt that needs more funding. I mean, just last week Kim was telling a radio station that she was back on Big Poppa's payroll. Besides, we all know Sheree is supposed to be the cooch munchin' one! Bitch has the jaw for it (just pretend you know what that means).

Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller are currently both in rehab. Radar says that Charlie is trying to kick his addiction to Lohan dust and the sweet nectar while Brooke is receiving treatment at home (after leaving two rehab facilities) for her addiction to crack. Thanksgiving at their house must look like the first 30-minutes of an Intervention episode.

Radar also says that once Brooke finishes treatment, she plans to drop the Big D on Charlie's lap. Charlie's spokeswhore claims they are going to work on their marriage, but a source is saying the exact opposite. The source went on to say, “Brooke wants out. She’s said it before and she’s saying it again right now. She’s worried though, because Charlie has a lot of dirt on her. Using drugs while raising children is obviously a horrible situation. The marriage is a nightmare. She can’t take it anymore. Remember, the Christmas day incident that ended with Charlie’s arrest started when she told him she wanted a divorce. Things didn’t get magically better after that.”

Let's see, Brooke and Charlie are both raging boozers. One of them keeps breaking the light bulbs around the house to smoke crack with, and the other one's nostril looks like every scene in Scarface. Not to mention that Charlie celebrated the birth of Jesus by putting a knife to Brooke's froat. Yup, I'm not Judge Mablean (never 4get) or anything, but I'm pretty sure divorce is the only answer.

And since divorce is in the air over at the Sheen household, Brooke and Charlie's twin boys should slip on their power onesies, crawl into a courtroom and also file papers to quit both of those bitches.