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Charlie Sheen is about to have an "I Quit This Bitch" moment on the set of Two And A Half Men. People says that Charlie Sheen is telling everyone that he will not sign on for an eighth season. Charlie has had it and plans to head for the exit as soon as he finishes shooting the last episode of the seventh season.

Charlie just recently started working on Two And A Half Men again after he spent some time in rehab for his addiction to anything illegal that comes in a plastic bag.

A spokeswhore for CBS went mute on this subject. Charlie's agent only said, “Charlie’s deal is only through this current season.”

This news might make a few memaws who watch this show cry into their bag of Werther's Originals (MOM, GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!), but it's fantastic news for Craigslist vagina vendors. Business will perk back up now that Charlie Sheen will have some time on his penis.

UPDATE: A different source tells TMZ that Charlie isn't going to leave the show. Dude is just whipping his dick out, because he's just trying to get more cash out of CBS. Charlie currently makes $825k per episode, and he wants $1.5 million per episode.

Aaron Carter, who has a face that can make any meth pipe swoon, is engaged to be married for the second time in his twenty....um...twenty....err...twenty...hurg....twenty....spit...twenty....no, even I can't type that out with straight fingers. Just click here for his age.

Anyway, Aaron proposed recently to his 19-year-old student/dancer/sadomasochist girlfriend Maile Hochuli in the middle of watching Alice in Wonderland at the movie theater.

Some source tells Star Magazine, "Aaron took Maile to the movie Alice in Wonderland, which she has been dying to see. She didn't get to see the end of the movie though because Aaron got down on a knee and proposed with a beautiful pear shaped diamond ring! Maile was completely overjoyed and said yes immediately! Aaron and Maile have only been dating for a short period of time but they are both extremely happy. This is the happiest I have ever seen Maile."

I'm sure the other hos in the theater were thrilled when Aaron interrupted the movie. You know some pissed off bitch asked for the manager for a refund after they were forced to watch Aaron's face contort like a ready-to-explode hemorrhoid while crying in front of his girlfriend when she accepted his proposal. Not even processed butter can kill that taste in your mouth.

Aaron was last engaged to that tragic gutter creature Kari Ann Peniche, but it only lasted a quick second. Aaron's relationship to this Maile girl will last longer, I'm sure. She's young, so her heart can take it when she opens up her eyes to that face every morning.

This former A list singer. Oh, wait. Well, I guess she is still A list. Yeah, still A list, but more on reputation. Anyway, this singer was at a concert this week. Not actually performing, but just in the audience. Right there in the audience she pulled out a crack pipe and lit it up. No worries at all. Yes, it was dark and other people were smoking other things, but to actually pull out a crack pipe? Problems. She did look like she was enjoying he concert though. (CDAN)

Amy Wino at a Whitney Houston concert? Whitney Houston at an Amy Wino concert? For serious though, whoever it was probably smoked up at a Justin Bieber show, because anybody over the age of 3 has to eat crack smoke to get through that mess.

Just who was it last Friday, who laid an enormous turd on the floor next to the lifts on the first floor of Daily Mail offices? Sharon Osbourne... do you have an alibi? (Popbitch)

Popbitch needs to get their eyes check! That wasn't a turd. It was just Peaches Geldof taking an afternoon nap on the floor! Rude!

Nevermind Kim Kardashian! Tell us more about the rubenesque beach goddess in the background - Egotastic!

Wait, which one is the lesbian again? - The Superficial

Aww...Vadge's little baby is growing up so fast! He's beginning to sprout facial hair - Lainey Gossip

Mrs. Jonas' doppelganger is looking different - Hollywood Tuna

Pedobear is a lawmaker in Texas (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

A member of the HSOTD family who threw a lawsuit at Oklahoma for the right to have a license plate that read "I'm Gay" was found dead in his home - Towleroad

Gerard Butler's NYC loft looks like the South Florida bungalow of a wheezy old queen who loves a warm sherry and the company of a young latin hustler - Celebitchy

Nicole Scherwhatever works the weave bra in Spanish FHM - Popoholic

Parasite Hilton's crotch critters finally get their own movie - OMG Blog

Sasquatches Gone Wild! - Popsugar

I don't know whether I want to curl up in Dave Franco's eyebrows, or feed them pieces of raw apple - Just Jared

The "P" stands for Peenus, right? - ICYDK

Susan Sarandon can now appreciate the wind hitting her crotch. Or something like that - I'm Not Obsessed

Drunk grannies! Note: This is not a Lindsay Lohan post - Cityrag

Amanda Seyfried is a proud minge - Holy Moly!

Lindsay Lohan heard the famewhore siren call (aka a dozen paps clicking their cameras) from a miles away and showed up to Star Magazine's party in Hollywood last night even though they recently got on her ass for being a walking coketrain wreck. Hey, you can't argue with an open bar. Truth.

After Lindsay finished partying with Star, she threw herself on the psychiatrist's futon known as Twitter and went off on her father. She has since erased the evidence, but here's the vomit that came off of her fingertips early this morning:

Someone, which i've mentioned in the past, fell back into the person they used to be when they used to be verbally&psychically abused&hurt me....

it reminded me of when my father would verbally/literally HURT my mother, brothers, sister Aliana

now, as scary for me-->mind, body&sould- it's been, why, i ask u? why me? i've worked so hard, and still work so hard in life-i try to do as

fmuch as i can to put my fathers lack of appreciation-towards his family, friends, co-workers, dhioner towards himself , his denituy....

@samantharonson did the hit feel good?

My father just sent me this as I was leaving my gym "I told you to stop Linds this is the last time... and take down the tweet about me HURTING MOM.. U will be getting a call from SOMEBODY today to end you"

What is wrong with these people (understatement on roids)?! Did Michael Lohan's mother sniff freon while she was pregnant with him? Did White Oprah sniff freon while she was pregnant with Lindsay? Did Nana Lohan sniff freon while she was pregnant with White Oprah? They were/are all sniffing freon.

I bet they are the kind of family that screams at each other in the middle of IHOP ruining breakfast for everyone in the damn restaurant. And here they, ruining breakfast for everyone again. Don't they know we have our own dysfunctional relatives to deal with?!

Here's Lindsay at that Star Mag party last night, and also taking a little nap (aka passed the crack out) in the back of someone's SUV.

International Peeps Day is right around the corner, which means you don't have much time to rip the tails off of a dozen My Little Ponies in order to recreate this work of magic right here. If we're going to resurrect Jesus this Sunday, we better give him a reason to show up. Although, he'll probably only show up so he can slap this wrong bitch in the head. And you know the Easter Bunny is going to hold her down for him.

via O Hell Nawl

Bombshell McGee must be feeling really stupid today since she reportedly only got paid $30,000 to tell-all about her affair with Vanilla Gorilla, and Tiger Woods' main side-piece allegedly pockeded $10 million to say nothing. That's what TMZ claims anyway.

Right after the whole escandalo scandal broke, Rachel Uchitel's lawyer Gloria Allred announced her client would address the Tiger Woods rumors in a press conference. But a cat got Rachel's tongue, and the press conference was canceled at the last minute. TMZ's inside sources say that the cat was actually a check for $10 million. Tiger's people agreed to pay Rachel off if she signed a confidentiality agreement. Rachel could end up getting $1 million more, or $1 million less, depending on future situations.

Apparently, a few of Tiger's other tricks scored several hundreds of thousands of dollars in exchange for their silence. And some, didn't get shit, which means they have to toil harder on the ho stroll (I'm looking at you, Mindy Lawton).

If Tiger paid Rachel that much money to keep her lips closed, he must be into some kinky bestiality scat shit. Or he's a down-low Glenn Beck fan.

Hopefully Rachel does good things with that money by opening up a Gold Digging Community College, where she can teach aspiring moral-less whores how it's really done. Get me an application.

Satan's soul-killing cackle can be heard all over NYC this morning after his evil minions tortured the city by handing out fake fliers for a fake In-N-Out that is never going to open in Manhattan. Way to fuck with my emotions animal-style. FUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!11!!!!!!

Gothamist reports that a bunch of assholian cuntoids put up signs at several empty storefronts announcing that Manhattan is about to get a piece of heaven this Summer. They even dressed up as In-N-Out employees and everything. Whores of propaganda!

A rep for In-N-Out confirms this is all just an April Fool's prank, and they have no plans to open in NYC anytime soon. The rep went on to explain, "We're a small, family-owned business out here on the West Coast. We grind all our own all beef patties and deliver them to our locations every day, so because of the logistics it's just not something we're considering."

If leaving my house before 8pm didn't make me break out into hives, I would run down there and issue a CITIZEN'S ARREST! This act of torturous fuckery has to be illegal in all states.

And stop laughing at me while holding a Double Double in your greedy claw! How would you like it if someone dangled a 9-inch dick in your face and then yanked it away?! Actually, it would probably turn you on. You sucio ass!

(Thanks, Emily. Yeah, THANKS for nothing!)

When I first read the headline, "True Blood Stars Says 'I'm Bi-Sexual,' my genitals went numb thinking that Alexander Skarsgard announced to the world that everyone has a chance at his scalding hot Swedish blodkorv and meatballs! Well, my no-no will continue to hold its breath (don't visual that), because ASkars isn't the True Blood star who has come out as a bi-sexual. Anna Paquin is the one who announced that she loves the cock and the cooch.

In a PSA for the True Colors Fund, Sookeh proudly says, "I’m Anna Paquin. I’m bisexual, and I give a damn.” Radar has the video if you want to see it for yourself. A source also tells Radar that nobody at the shoot knew Anna was going to make that statement.

Sookeh is currently engaged to Vampire Beeeeeeehl.

Now back to Askars, we're waiting.....

Vanilla Gorilla's lawyer Joe Yanny has issued a statement to CNN regarding the picture of his client giving the Nazi salute while wearing a Nazi hat. Just picture in your head that Mr. Yanny looks like this. It'll make things go down smoother.

Anyways, Mr. Yanny has played the old "Well, He's Friends With Jews" card. Mr. Yanny said that the Nazi hat was a gag gift from Vanilla Gorilla's godfather who is Jewish. Always blaming the Jews!

Mr. Yanny added that VG is not cut from the same Jew-hating cloth as Mel Gibson since he lived in an Israeli kibbutz for one whole month. Yeah, and I'm sure he's circumcised and once watched 10-minutes of a Woody Allen movie a few years ago. Joe wants it known that just because VG collects Nazi memorabilia does not mean he dresses up as Hitler and fucks an Eva Braun Real Doll in the back room.

You know, Mr. Yanny should've saved that excuse for another day and simply said, "APRIL FOOL'S!"