Yes, we're finally getting a sequel to LOSING ISAIAH!!!! Sort of. Kind of. It seems like the rumor that Halle Berry's relationship with Gabriel Aubry is wrecked to the core has some truth to it. There was a tabloid whisper going around that Halle doesn't appreciate Gabriel dating low-budget hos (spotlight on Kim Kardashian) and bringing said low-budget hos around their daughter Nahla. Halle pretty much confirmed that rumor as truth when her rep released this swift kick to Gabriel's dick today (via People). Halle WENT THERE:
"Halle has serious concerns for her daughter's well-being while in the care of her father for any extended period of time and is prepared to take all necessary steps to protect her. She has attempted to resolve these custody issues amicably with her daughter's father, Gabriel Aubry, directly, but given his lack of cooperation, Halle has no choice but to seek swift judicial intervention.
Halle has always made the needs and safety of her daughter her first priority and, both while Halle and Gabriel were a couple and since their break-up, Halle has only acted in her daughter's best interest."
Those are some shankin' words and Halle added an extra stab by going to the media. What the hell did Gabriel do that was so awful? Did he make Nahla watch Catwoman the movie?! Did he keep Nahla in the house while he went to lie down in the running car in the garage? This is really not going to end well. Well, the only way it will end well is if Halle corners Gabriel in the ladies room and screams this:
I hope Halle keeps the "lady" part, because that's the real fucking sting.
Here comes the Cheetoling: Bridesmaid Brit Brit subtlety throwing a "Ah wonder if he smells my weddin' fart?" side-eye - The Berry
Nicole Kidman needs to borrow some of her husband's pomade - Lainey Gossip
The rest of the world can learn something from Brazil: BOOO Ashton & Demi whenever you get the chance - The Superficial
Jonathan Knight re-comes out for those who missed it the first time - Towleroad
When you gotta get your smack up, you gotta get your smack up - NYC Barstool Sports
Christina Hendrick's magnificent chichis were a little shy last night - Hollywood Tuna
But Sofia Vergara's were not - Popoholic
The Tila Tequila lesbian sex tape you haven't been waiting for is here (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Don't mind Katie Couric, she's just picking the chest pubes out of her mouth - Celebitchy
John Travolta has just signed up to be a contestant on Total Blackout - TDW
Carey Mulligan's got a new piece - Popsugar
David Arquette's out of rehab - Just Jared
That New Year's Eve movie has already won a handful of Razzies and it hasn't even started production - ICYDK
What Kunty Karl really meant is that he's finally found a human who doesn't completely die when he sucks the blood from their peen - OMG Blog
I guessed Kim Vo - City Rag
Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have officially chopped chopped the ball off the chain - I'm Not Obsessed
The Twinkie stuffed Ken Doll is off Dancing with the Has-Beens for now - SOW
How many gay feather dusters had to die for this dress? - Moe Jackson
(Image via INFDaily)
All those "Charlie Sheen Goes to Rehab" headlines are wrong, because the motherfucker isn't going anywhere to try to brush off his thirst for crack, the sweet nectar and other fun stuff. Charlie doesn't go to rehab, rehab goes to Charlie! TMZ reports that Charlie doesn't want nosy hos leaking (the first time in history he's ever been opposed to a leaky ho) all the details of his rehab stay, so CBS and Warner Bros. found him addiction expert that will live in his mansion and help him to get clean.
Well, I guess it might be distracting for other patients when Charlie Sheen's critiquing porn in his room at 3am and loudly complaining that the cream in the cream pie doesn't look authentic, so he's just being conscientious.
TMZ also says that Charlie's at-home rehab treatment will take 3 long months, which means Two and a Half Men will be dark for that long, which means that the crew will have to look elsewhere for a check.
But fear not for those crew members! Now that Charlie is doing the rehab equivalent of the DIY gastric bypass kit, they just have to temporarily get jobs as porn stars, hookers, hernia masseuses or drug dealers if they don't want their income affected. I mean, they already know Charlie and CBS knows their direct deposit information, so the job transfer should go smoothly.
Does this mean that Madea's Big Happy Family features Madea's first ever drag-on-drag fuck scene, because that poster not only says to me, "stab your eyes out with pieces of broken mirror from your star dressing room," but it also says "lick my tuck." What happened to my sour big drag girl?!
Just two weeks ago, it seemed like Natalie Portman's baby growing area was only the size of a pan of King's Hawaiian bread (mmmm Hawaiian bread), but her bump came the fuck out at last night's SAG Awards. Either babies grow really fast or Natalie is pregnant with a litter of Kardashians.
Although, it makes sense that Natalie's only 3.5 months along and she's already that big. Genius babies have huge brains. Seriously, that bump is probably 90% baby brain since Natalie is giving birth to the world's biggest genius since Megan Fox. Basically, she's going to push out a walking brain that will write a masterpiece novel and discover the cure for stupid before he/she blows the candle on his/her first birfday cake.
And Natalie's stylist really needs to practice dressing the bump, because the ho just doesn't know. Gay Al Reynold's favorite toga gown was not meant to be worn with a baby bump.
Believe it or not, Lady Gwyneth Paltrow really does hear the BITCH BOOOOOS coming from the other side of her castle wall while she gracefully strolls through the gardens and picks organic cabbage roses to make scented water for her downstairs guest powder room because that's the sort of thing all working mothers do. Fishsticks knows that bitches try to throw shade on the sunshine and enlightenment she's spreading across the world through GOOP. All the cuntified hate almost drowned GOOP for good, but then she realized that haters are gonna hate no matter what. In an interview with Harper's Bazaar UK (via UsWeekly), Fishy says that an old man in Italy is the one who gave her the strength to go on!
"Any time you do anything with any degree of sincerity, people make fun of you. That's totally fine. I don't care. I don't read any of it. My thing with Goop has always been, if you don't like it, then don't log onto it. There were a couple of times when I thought 'I'm just gonna stop doing it. People are so mean to me. I don't want to do it.' But then I was like, 'Who cares what some lame person out there says?' I was in Italy once, and this old man came up to me and said, 'I had the best time in Nashville because of Goop.' And that is so worth it to me.”
If she switched out "sincerity" for "pretentious superiority," the bitch would be speaking the truth! And you know that "old man in Italy" was Apple in a white beard and a straw hat. Fishy's lady-in-waiting made Apple do it to cheer the GOOP up. But did Apple really have to make Fishy sound like the ambassador to Nashville? We'll just call Nashville "Goopville" from now on!
The thing is, THIS BITCH actually thinks that she's helping the public at large with her words and tips of wisdom. If GOOP was called The Rich Ladies Guide To Being Better Rich Ladies and if Fishsticks pulled her head out of her GOOPHOLE to see how most of the world lives, I wouldn't have a problem with her ass. Bitch is out of touch.
In a recent edition of GOOP, Fishy wrote about how all of us should really do an after-holiday cleanse and then she recommended this bullshit product that cost $450!!!!! It's like this head-in-the-ass ho doesn't know that most people need that $450 to pay an overdue electric bill and buy a box of ramen noodles at Costco for the week. Not all of us can afford to shit for $450. If Fishy simply declared, "I'M RICH, I'M WHITE, I'M FAMOUS, I'M AN OSCAR WINNER, I'M BETTER THAN YOU AND I'M LOVIN' IT!", I'd join her fan club.
Oh, and because you needed to know, Fishy is best friends with Beyonce:
"In England, people are cool. They're really laid back and calm. Beyonce did the school run with me once, and everyone was fine. They also have really good anti-paparazzi rules. If you're driving in a car and they make you feel freaked out, that's against the law. They can't put you in a magazine unless they pixelate the kids' faces. I miss America, but I love living in the UK."
And the peasants groan.....
There's no need for you to contact Madame Tussauds' security office to let them know that their wax statue of Voldemort escaped out of their building, disguised itself as a Thai transgirl lounge singer and is slowly melting into a puddle. This is just the forever beautiful Spaz de la Huerta blowing air kisses at the press after winning an award for best ensemble with her Boardwalk Empire castmates at the SAG Awards last night. How many members of the media do you think are still in the bathroom scrubbing the lipstick stains out of their skin? When Spaz throws you a lipstick-covered air kiss, you better block it with a piece of Bounty or you will end up getting intimate with a can of paint remover for a few hours.
That lipstick color is usually something you only find in the pocket of a chola's Starter jacket. One of my junior high school chola friends described that color as a "dirty tampon" or a "dried blood clot." Since she put it that way, that lipstick is a whole new shade of lovely to you, right? But on Spaz, I'd like to say that lipstick looks more like Charlie Sheen's liquefied liver, or the melted heart of a black Pegasus.
It's really an ingenious way to know which cocktail is yours at a party, because that lipstick leaves more than a mark. Oh, mine's the one that looks like Tar Monster busted a bloody wet fart on it.
Here's Spaz politely taking the mic from Steve Buscemi last night to thank whoever and to say the word "phenomenal" like she just learned it yesterday.
And the POSES! You couldn't even learn those moves at a John Robert Powers master class taught by Phoebe Price!
FINALLY FUCKING FINALLY! My life line to EVERYTHING (aka the damn Internet) has finally been welded back together by the dude from Verizon and the thing that christened my new connection was this video of a dachshund puppy taking a bath in slow motion. This is a metaphor for my day, because I've basically been doggy paddling in shallow bath tub water in slow motion for the past 20 hours and now I'm back!
By the way, my dog can't take his eyes off this video. This might be classy softcore porn for dogs.
Big deal, there's a tranny and a bear. What did you expect to see in the Scientology men's room? - OurMissC
People thought they were outraged when they saw Katy Perry appear on Sesame Street. Just wait til they see the Lady Gaga episode - Datura
Brought to you by the Let 'er Pee - WTFOMGLOL
Fozzie bear thought he was filming the sequel to "Muppets take Manhattan".He was shocked to find it was actually "Muppets take Mans hard on" - fosho
Tova Traesnaes Borgnine!!! I didn't get to watch the SAG Awards last night, because I moved into a new apartment over the weekend and there are problems with the cable and Internet connection. Seeing as though my breathing speeds up whenever my Internet connection drops below 100mbps, I've spent the last couple of days with my head directly over a giant bong. Seriously, if I plugged an ethernet cable into my laptop, put the other end in a pigeon's mouth and told it to fly all the way to Egypt to plug it into a blackout modem in a closed Internet cafe over there, I'd probably get a faster connection than I have now. And moving pictures are not coming up on my TV screen! So yeah, I'm pretty much flat-lining. But they're working on getting me back up (wink wink) now.
So that's the reason why I didn't watch the SAGs last night. I could've gone to a trick's house to watch it, but I decided to stay home and watch the 1st Annual WALL Awards instead. I figured staring at the wall would be just as riveting as staring at the SAGs, but I was totally wrong, because I missed seeing the golden fresh beauty of Tova Borgnine in action!
Tova is as graceful as a curtsying swan and as regal as a purple velvet dildo cozy. The sparkling ginger wave of luscious hair above Tova's head is where the miniature angels go to surf and her whispering eyebrows are where they go to lay. Normally, I prefer my brows louder, but Tova's are perfection. It's what you get when a baby cherub softly coos on a piece of tissue paper. Even though her brows are so quiet, her forehead was still nice enough to back up and give them some room.
I swear, Tova is what Endora was supposed to look like! You just want to sit with Tova on a satin sofa and play with her rings all afternoon.
As soon as I return to the land of the living by getting a faster Internet connection, I'm going to QVC's website to order EVERYTHING from Tova's line of beauty products. None of us will ever be as stunningly perfect as Tova, but we can always try. VIVA TOVA!