Paris Hilton

When I heard Mimi was HOsting her own Halloween party in NYC, I figured she would go dressed as a slutty butterfly, a slutty rainbow, a slutty unicorn taxidermy, a slutty Hello Kitty, a slutty Eminem, or a slutty Precious. But Mimi really flipped the world upside down by stuffing her glazed ham hocks and buttermilk biscuits into a slutty angel costume. Such a shapeshifter, that Mimi!

And Mimi's bought-and-paid-for husband really outdid himself by going as one of The Empress of Lucite's vagina drops. Yes, Shauna Sand's lady jizz has angels wings and everything.

Meanwhile, in L.A., Wonky went to Heidi Klum's Halloween party dressed up as a slutty slut slut slut slut slut. You know, wearing Liberace's rhinestone shoe horn on her forehead only points out the brutal fact that one of her eyes is constantly suffering from jizz squint.

And it was a little weird that Doug Reinhardt didn't dress up. He must have gotten his fill the night before.

It's Slutoween which means Wonky hits the streets dressed like a slutty version of something or another. This year, she dressed as Whore-othy from The Wizard of Valtrex, and forced her burrito heir boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt, to wear the same shit. Well, maybe she didn't really force him since it looks like wearing a dress and lipstick is giving him the drips. This bitch is puckering like Squinty with a lemon in her mouth. Doug finally got to sashay around in public in a pair of pink heels. Speaking of, I doubt those heels belong to Wonky because they look kind of small for her big ass feet.

And this is exactly why Parasite will never be an official member of The Big Slut Club. Any self-respecting whore knows that Halloween is amateur hour. Halloween is the only time authentic sluts cover their parts up. That's what the other 364 days of the year are for!

At the premiere of the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It in Los Angeles yesterday, this lady stood for hours with her eyes poppin' out and her perfect eyebrows waiting to pounce as soon as Detective La Toya hit the red carpet. Unfortunately, the woman's (and my) dreams were crushed into dust, because La Toya never graced the crowd with her glamour. La Toya refused to see the film, because she wants to keep a clear head to help her with the ongoing investigation to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. And because La Toya said Michael would've never wanted his rehearsal footage to be made into a feature film. La Toya would know since I'm sure Michael communicated this to her using morse code.

Even though La Toya wasn't there, the premiere was still attended by a giant cast of characters. Some of these bitches would show up to the opening of a dick hole as long as cameras were there (I'm looking at you, Wonky).

Below is: Celestia (and her son who is trying to get away from her), Steve Sanders, Tito Jackson, Jackie Jackson, Marlon Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, JLo, JLove, Jaime Kennedy, Joey McIntyre, Katy Perry, Glamberace, Lou Ferrigno (with his glamorous wife), Neil Patrick Harris, Paula Abdul, Rosanna Arquette, Vivica Fox, Will Smith and some bottom shelf call girl.

This is almost easier than Paris Hilton herself! A million crab jokes just landed on my tongue. Imma put some RID on it later.

So, Page Six says that the producers of the movie "The Other Guys" (starring Marky Mark & Will Ferrell) were not amused when Wonky's people handed them a rider with all her demands. Wonky was only scheduled to shoot for one day, but she still requested all sorts of fancy ass shit. A source said, "Paris has a cameo role in the movie, where she plays herself. It is all being kept very hush-hush. But the producers were shocked when her team handed them a three-page list of demands -- including live lobsters to be prepared fresh when she's ready to eat and a bottle of Grey Goose vodka -- all for just one day on the set. All celebrities are typically offered riders, but it seemed excessive for just one day's work playing herself. She was due to fly to New York to film in secret last week." Wonky's spokeswhore says this story is made of lives, but I'm going to choose to believe it. I mean.....

LIVE LOBSTERS!!! Aren't you sort of mad that Wonky stole the punchline to that joke? But seriously, those lobsters weren't for her. Obviously, her coochie crabs must be more gangsta than we thought. Those bitches eat live lobsters! Wonky's crotch crustaceans are cannibals! We're seriously doomed.

Image by 14 of Gallery of the Absurd

When it's announced that the world's supply of silicone has gone dry, send your hate/thank you letters to Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I mean, DAMN! Usually, when I see a pair of gigantic chichi balls, I want to curl up between them and take a long afternoon nap. But these things make me want to grab the cross. Seriously, if Kim hugged you, your rib cage would break and your lungs would fall into your stomach. It wouldn't be good. They should give Kim the Olympic gold medal in weightlifting for carrying around those medicine balls. And am I the only one that suddenly has the urge to go bowling?

But on a positive note, at least Kim's breasts of destruction take the focus off her Barbie cemetery wig.

Here's more of Kim at last night's Fox Reality Awards. I also threw in some pictures of Vivica Fox, Lorenzo Lamas, Shayne Lamas, Judy Tenuta (with an OctoMom boa), Wonky, Nicky Hilton, Gretchen Bonaduce, Dairy (typo and it stays) DeLaWhora, Eric Roberts, Antonio Sabato Jr., his hot mom, Gretchen Rossi, Big Brother's Chima (with Mr. Empress of Lucite), Cindy Margolis and Adrianne Curry.

You might have already read about pet "teacup pigs" being all the rage right now. So, of course, Parasite Hilton had to get on that by dropping $4,500 for her very own micro piggy from Oregon. Wonky's new toy has already arrived and she named her "Miss Pigelette." Apparently, unlike Wonky, Miss Pigelette is already potty-trained.

Wonky's spokesbitch said: "Paris is thrilled! She is a major animal lover and is excited for the arrival of her new piglette."

Just because Wonky is always in the doggy-style position doesn't make her a "major animal lover."

Poor piggy is going to get bullied around by Wonky's crotch crustaceans! They are going to nip at it and force it to hide underneath the sofa. And if that's not bad enough, the swine probably has the Wonky Flu by now. Why isn't Peta parachuting into Wonky's house to save that piglet!

Speaking of "poor creatures in distress," here's Wonky at the opening of Carnival in NYC the other night with a chimp. Why is that chimp kissing on Wonky? Doesn't he know where her mouth has been?! Free clinic, here he comes. Sad faces all around.

If you click over to this story about Nicole Richie's bird baby on UsWeekly right now and scroll down to "related" stories, you'll learn about the many uses of Tilex.

You know, I think Tilex is being a little optimistic, because it's going to take a lot more to clean up Parasite Hilton's nether coochies. In addition to Tilex, you're going to need two cups of boric acid, 3 tablespoons of Brandon Davis' undertitty butter, a drop of Tinkerbell's anal gland juice and the dust off of an old Hottie and the Nottie DVD.

(Thanks Peaches)

Just two months after splitting up, UsWeekly says that Parasite Hilton and frozen burrito heir Doug Reinhardt are back to mixing their STDs together. Wonky and Doug broke up in the first place, because he was kissing on some other ho or something. Or maybe she got her feelings hurt when Doug called one of her crotch crabs "fat." I don't know! All I know is that they are doing it again.

Doug wrote some sappy grossness on his Facebook page like, "What an amazing weekend with my beautiful girlfriend. I love her so much!" and "Laying in bed watching SportsCenter with my girl."

You might be relieved that Wonky and Doug's toxic skankness is once again contained, but don't let your genital holes breathe easy just YET. The more Wonky and Doug rub on each other, the stronger their STDs get! If you're ever in a 5-mile vicinity of either Wonky or Doug, you better wear a mask over your crotch, mouth and b-hole to protect you from their skank fumes! The Wonky Flu is coming!

Do you hear that? It's music coming from a teeny tiny violin inside Parasite Hilton's crab den. Yes, she has her own mini-orchestra down there. Wonky's crotch crustaceans are a talented bunch. Yes, they are. ANYWAY, the violin music is playing, because she's queefing that whole "I'm not dumb and I'm not a slut" song again.

When talking about the "character" she created, Parasite said: "In a way it's good, but I also don't want people thinking of me as this blond heiress…airhead. But that is kind of my brand. I make a lot of money by doing that. I always looked up to Princess Diana and all these women, and now I could never be like that. I want to have a family. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I have to worry about people thinking I'm a slut and thinking I'm something that I'm not."

Every story I've heard from hos in the trenches about Paris are the same. They all say, "She really is dumb" and "She really is a slut." In fact, in some countries, "dumb slut" translates into Paris Hilton. And as a proud dumb slut myself, there's nothing wrong with it! She needs to stop moaning about how she's like Princess Diana and embrace her dumb slutiness. Or stop being such a dumb slut and prove otherwise!

Source: E! Online

This is the time where we all open our windows and shout "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, PARIS HILTON" in unison, because maybe our voices will carry throughout the land and break the crusty jizz barriers in Wonky's ears so she can finally get the message. I say this, because Parasite told Extra that Michael Jackson's daughter was named after her:

"My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she's such a beautiful little girl and I'm proud we have the same name."

When whatever is left of her brains finally falls out of her asshole and she shoves it back in her head, she'll also realize that there's cities in France, Texas and Arkansas named Paris too. After her!

Paris, the only thing that will truly be named after you is a strain of the herp.

Here's the delusional one at the premiere of her MTV documentary Paris, Not France last night.