Someone posted (and then deleted) this clip on Facebook of Amanda Bynes (or her impostor) twerking out on an elliptical in her flip-flops and waving her arms like a drowning T-rex. That seems about right. And I don't know what this says about me, but the last time I was on an elliptical, I got so bored that I started waving my arms around like I had pom poms in them. I was listening to a Toni Basil song at the time. Sometimes you just gotta wave your damn arms to pass the time.
The Amanda Bynes saga got even weirder for a second last night when Jenny McCarthy of all fame whores and publicist type Jonathan Jaxson start tweet screaming about how the police were at her apartment and how something must be done!
It all started out as a regular night for Amanda. She tweeted a couple of topless pictures of her looking like a blond OctoMom cleaning up in a gas station bathroom after a busy night of turning tricks on the stroll. That was that, and then Jenny McCarthy jumped in and tweeted that the police were at Amanda's house, but wait, maybe they aren't at Amanda's house, because she's getting all of her info from some publicist's tweets and it's not confirmed. (In other words, Jenny was drunk.)
The publicist type Jenny was talking about was Jonathan Jaxson who spent his night live-tweeting the whole thing. Jonathan claims that he talked to Amanda and she sounded drugged all the way up, so he tweeted the NYPD and TMZ to find her and help her. And then he kept tweeting and tweeting and tweeting and patting himself on the back as he tweeted and tweeted...
I just spoke to @AmandaBynes and she is soooo messed up on drugs and please @NY_POLICE find her and help her! I don't know her address! @TMZ
If trying to help someone you feel is in trouble is a crime, then there is a problem. A cry for help is just that! I did what I KNEW to do!
I personally decided to delete certain tweets because the last thing I want anyone to think is tonight was about me. It was about another!
first and then got it and called the NYPD again in NYC, who said I had to have a proper address. Amanda has been changing her number weekly.
In addition to hotel hoping and gym hoping. Amanda needed help and I did everything I could and knew to do to help!
Amanda kept quiet on Twitter the entire time and nobody knows if the cops even went to her apartment.
UPDATE: And Amanda responded to Jenny and found her guilty of being old and ugly:
UPDATE II: After Amanda called Jenny old and ugly, Jenny apologized and Amanda took it all back. I really never could with this, but now I really can't.
Amanda Bynes tweeted these bathroom selfies of her in a bra yesterday and said that she's 135lbs and needs to be 100lbs. Somebody should tell Amanda that she really is 100lbs, because that thirsty in-need-of-an-iv-drip weave weighs at least 40 pounds.
Amanda took a little time out from her current career as a professional tweeter and selfie taker to tell InTouch Weekly that she doesn't care if people call her crazy, because the only people that call her crazy are ugly and ugly people have no place in her hot, hot world.
“I have no clue [why people say I’m insane]. Every time I’ve heard it, it came from an ugly person’s mouth, so I don’t care. The only ones lying about me having a mental illness are people I don’t talk to. I only have hot friends. They have my back until I die.”
I'm sure that the friends in Amanda's
head life are beyond hot, but if they truly had her back, they'd tell her to stop.
Amanda also told InTouch that the homely-faced uglies say that she's a drunk pot head, but that's another lie out of the mouths of uglies, because she's allergic to alcohol and she doesn't smoke weed, she only smokes tobacco. Amanda doesn't spend her time filling the hallways of her apartment building with the sweet scent of the good shit, because she's way too busy working on her body, her fashion line and her music career.
“I’m getting in shape for all the photo shoots. I like being 100 pounds… 21 to go! I’ll design clothes and sing because I want to, not because I need the money. I love singing and I can’t wait to start working on an album.”
So if you think Amanda Bynes is crazy for thinking that the pot she smokes is tobacco, you're ugly. If you think Amanda Bynes is crazy for thinking 135lbs is too heavy, you're ugly. If you think Amanda Bynes is crazy for thinking that only ugly people think she's crazy, you're ugly. Excuse her sanity, you ugly bitches!
Being a multi-millionaire with Olsen money means that Amanda Bynes doesn't have to work a real job and can spend every Adderall-induced waking moment giving her followers nightmares by tweeting videos like the one above and pictures like the ones below. That video must've been directed by Eli Roth, because that is what you would find if you walked into one of the bathrooms at a murder hostel. If the Silent Hill mannequins had heads, wore a blond weave and were obsessed with taking selfies, that's what they would look like. But what's really terrifying and disturbing is that I found myself twerking my shoulders to that German sex club circa 1993 music.
And here's some selfies Amanda Bynes took at the gym. You know, I hope Hatchet Face keeps doing Amanda's makeup, because her chola Groucho Marx brows are actually growing on me.
I've said this a million times before, but I never know what to think of this. Sometimes I think this is all just an elaborate performance art piece and she's secretly auditioning for a role as Jerri Blank's long-lost daughter in the next Strangers with Candy movie (give her the role!). Other times I think she's Britney-ing it all the way. These gym pics confuse me even more, because I don't know if wearing full makeup and fake eyelashes to the gym is an act of insanity or an act of sanity since one should always keep it glamorous.
When I first read the headline "Amanda Bynes Shaves Her Hair," I expected to see some second coming of Brit Brit shit and I was about to hide all the green umbrellas, but Wheelchair Jimmy's number one stalker only shaved half of her head. It's begins... Amanda tweeted out this note to the media with the pictures of her new hair and her aluminum foil cheek:
I buzzed half my head like @cassie! No more old photos! This is the new me! I love it!
Yeah, it's a good thing that she shaved some of that busted weave off, but the Skillrex look must be stopped. Dr. Kimberly Shaw did it better than everyone. And what's really terrifying is that now that Amanda's got shaved sides, she looks like a Miley Cyrus clone. They're multiplying. We don't need two!
Amanda Bynes finally realized that her tragic cheek piercings and uneven black marker brows (don't even call them Sharpie brows) are not the look anymore. What's really in right now is having a scarf face! While looking like KFed circa 2004 from the waist down, Amanda Bynes strolled around NYC this morning with a face full of poly blend fabulousness. Yes, the Jackson children worked this look a million years ago, but I'm glad that Amanda is bringing it back. Why should Amanda spend
hours five minutes in front of her make-up mirror, splattering her face with the finest products from Wet 'N Wild when she can just throw a scarf on her face and create a real look. Bitch has never looked. Although, I think I can still see her duck face underneath that scarf.
In other Amanda news, add UsWeekly to her long ass list of bitches she's going to sue. Amanda tweeted this out:
Yet again, I'm suing @UsWeekly for writing another false story. NOTHING is wrong with me! All Trash mags - contact me personally since you r talking to people I DON'T KNOW then claiming they know me. Please say names of those supposed sources, they sound like you made them up like the crazy person you're trying to portray me as in your ugly magazine. I'm talking to the ugly Asian editor and all the ugly women I met when I did a shoot with you. I am suing you every week you put up awful photos with a false "I'm crazy" story. You have never contacted me once to find out who I am or what I'm up to. Fuck You.
Oh, Amanda if you pulled that scarf off your face for a quick second you'd see that UsWeekly doesn't have an Asian editor anymore. How can we take you seriously as a legal force of nature if you can't even get that shit right? Not only is Amanda figuratively walking through life with a scarf over her head, but now she's doing it literally.
The time has possibly come for me to slide over to the side of the room that thinks Amanda Bynes has been trolling us all and the fuckery she's been bringing is all part of an elaborate performance art piece co-produced by MoMA or some shit. Amanda followed up her nightmare-inducing primp video with a Tuesday afternoon stroll through NYC with her rent-a-friend. Even if I got high on whatever Amanda Bynes is getting high on, I couldn't make this mess up.
The paparazzi say that the blonde girl in the green jacket waited for Amanda in front of her apartment building and then the two fake laughed, fake talked and fake bonded the way all fake friends do. The two did this for a while before they walked to an ATM and Amanda took out some cash which she then gave to her rent-a-friend. The rent-a-friend then went on her way to her next rent-a-friend gig.
I don't even fucking know....
At first I thought blondie was Amanda's dealer, but what kind of dealer walks around with you in front of the paps? But then again, what kind of rent-a-friend doesn't ask for the money upfront, especially a professional friend who is dealing with Amanda Bynes? Amanda really needs to get her money back and leave a bad Yelp review, because that rent-a-friend did not do her job. Rent-a-friends don't let client friends do themselves up like a white trash Nicki Minaj. Rent-a-friends don't let client friends hire rent-a-friends to put on a show in front of the paps. Rent-a-friends don't let client friends paint a pair of lazy, busted down chola brows onto their face. And finally, rent-a-friends don't let client friends do crazy shit like this.
I need to hire a rent-a-friend to tell me what to think of this shit.
If you watched this last night, then you're probably not reading these words right now, because you're still rocking back and forth on your bed pretending like this never happened. Last night, Amanda Bynes tweeted this video of her getting ready with the caption:
I'm Sucking On A Sour Patch Kid Listening To Music Getting Ready For Tonight :D
What in the John Waters meets Julie Masking meets a tweaked out Lil Kim meets a melting Nicki Minaj meets a strung out Courtney Stodden HELL?!
I know Renee Zellweger was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar in Chicago for doing exactly what Amanda is doing in that video above, but damn. If Amanda is Joaquin-ing us, she needs to stop. If Amanda isn't Joaquin-ing us, Jesus needs to take the wheel and drive her to the nearest Sally's Beauty Supply to sort out those unsynchronized brows. They look like two sad, broken see saws.
And that must've been a seriously intense Sour Patch Kid.
The New York law offices of Scooby Doo & Associates are going to be busy as hell the next few weeks, because Amanda Bynes is going to sue every single person who calls her batshit crazy.
Amanda went off on Twitter today and promised to sue every magazine, news source, blogger and Twitter follower who dare post paparazzi pictures of her and say that she's doing something wrong. I'm going to get sued for posting this and you're going to get sued for reading this and our computers are going to get sued for transmitting this information, so once we're all done here we should call Johnnie Cochrane and ask him to save us. Here's Amanda's warning to us all:
I'm suing every blog, every magazine, every news source that's saying I'm doing anything wrong "erratic behavior" is not me! I'm suing In Touch, Us Weekly, Perez Hilton for hiring paparazzi who follow me then take the worst photos with the worst angles. I'd like to put up their worst photos on my twitter until they only start putting up my twitter photos when writing a story when there is NO story, just an awful photo posted with instead of a caption, they say I have erratic behavior when I do NOTHING wrong. There's NOTHING with my life, other than you putting up awful candid photo after photo. I'm working out, it's hard getting in shape with an eating disorder. Please follow me on twitter then look forward to be sued if you if say I have erratic behavior or am living my life wrong in anyway.
Then Amanda told E! that she loves them, but unfortunately, she's going to have to sue them too.
@eonline please post my pics anytime! I had to shave my head because of hair damage from someone @ John Barrett so I'm not loving my paparazzi pics for a few years! I have extensions but you can see them! Loving your shows but suing you for spreading lies about me on your website! Thanks for being my fan! True friends don't spread lies about me so I can't follow anyone from your network on twitter. I'll sue you everytime you post a lie with a paparazzi shot, I tell you everything that is going on about me on twitter. Only choose the paparazzi pics that I select and post on twitter and my personal pics when talking about me! I tweet all day about nothing just like everybody on the face of the earth! Thanks!
@eonline I never know when they're taking photos, but instead of the ones you (Us Weekly, In Touch, @PerezHilton) choose, pick the best one then say I'm walking around for exercise because that and tweeting is all you'll ever catch me doing. I'm suing you for all the lies you've all written in the past to have the stories and photos deleted of me from the Internet!
The short version of Amanda's tweets is: SUED! SUED! SUED! See you all at Judge Judy!
Below are some pictures of the busiest plaintiff in the world in NYC the other day. I know Amanda told us not to use paparazzi pictures of her, but whenever somebody tells me not to do something, I'm going to do it. This cat knows what I'm talking about.
Oh, and that cat? Yup, it's going to get sued.
Water is wet, the sky is blue, birds chirp, John Travolta loves a man chowder facial in the morning and Amanda Bynes is ranting on Twitter. Amanda is mad at the media and blogs for using paparazzi pictures of her when writing about how crazy she is. Because the bathroom selfies she takes are so much more flattering, Amanda wants everyone to start using those pictures when writing articles she clearly doesn't read. Amanda also tweeted that she doesn't need an intimate date with anti-depressants and a board certified psychiatrist, because she's one hundred percent sane and she doesn't suffer from a mental disorder, but she does suffer from an eating disorder. (I don't know if it's the right time to tell Amanda that an eating disorder sort of kind of is a mental disorder, so let's all just nod awkwardly.)
Jesus, take the iPhone!
Amanda does have a point though, because all of her pictures on Twitter display her as a stable person whose sanity hasn't gone off the rails and crashed into a pile of used eyelashes and clearance wigs from Ricky's. And I don't even know what to think about this entire situation anymore, so I'm just going to say that looking like a chola Smurfette in a women's prison IS the look.