Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa's baby was living inside her womb for 9 months, but it felt more like 19 months (aka 9 months in Jessica Simpson gestation time), because for the longest time I'd open up my browser and see pictures of her looking like a circus ball. I can't believe she got through her pregnancy without having to fight an elephant in a tiny hat because he kept trying to pick her ass up with its trunk. But a baby finally came out of Amber Rose's body today and Wiz Khalifa (born name: Cameron Jibril Thomaz), who looks like the tree in Sleepy Hollow or like an air dancer that was hit by a low-flying plane, tweeted the news before a nurse washed the uterus jelly off his kid:
Happy Birthday Sebastian "The Bash" Taylor Thomaz!!! Everyone welcome this perfect young man into the world
The Bash? They either want their kid to be a rapper, a third string wrestler on the indy circuit or a cast member on the reboot of Jersey Shore 2031. But I will give them a few slow claps for paying tribute to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
And now Amber Rose can go back to starring in commercials for whipped cream flavored vodka. Does this mean that Smirnoff's new flavors will be titty leche and placenta?
RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!
You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...
Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.
Amber Tamblyn's got a lot of spare time on her hands and thank EVERYTHING for that, because if she didn't then she never would've fucked with Tyrese in the kind of prank that self-proclaimed prank master George Clooney only dreams of busting on a trick. Amber writes on her Facebook page (via Street Carnage) that it all started when Tyrese saw her name cc'ed on an email that one of their mutual friends sent out. This shit was destined to be, because Amber Tamblyn's middle name is Rose and her email address is registered under Amber Rose. Tyrese thought Amber Rose was really hip hop concubine Amber Rose and emailed her hoping they can "work" on a music project together.
David Cross must be rubbing off on Amber Tamblyn in more ways than one, because she went all the way with that shit. Amber Tamblyn not only pretended to be Amber Rose, but she even sent Tyrese some priceless demos that "Amber Rose" is working on. Their entire conversation complete with the demos is after the jump. If you're hungover, it will soothe you right. If you're not hungover, it will still soothe you right. JUMP!