Bitch Got Fired
Yesterday, The Wrap posted a story about how FOX is planning to take a giant Magic Eraser to American Idol and get rid of everything except the title and Ryan Semencrest. FOX apparently wants to drop Randy Jackson, Nicki Minaj, Mimi, Keith Urban and Idol's executive producer Nygel Lythgoe into the trash and start all over again. If The Wrap is right, then FOX is one pink slip closer to completing its plan, because they have muzzled the dawg pound.
Randy Jackson told E! that he's taking his final bow this season and won't be back next season:
"Yo! Yo! Yo! To put all of the speculation to the rest, after 12 years of judging on American Idol I have decided it is time to leave after this season."
"I have to decided it is time to leave..." Yes, let's just pretend like Randy Jackson's the one who packed up all his shit and left on his own, and the producers didn't put his water and food bowl outside of the exit door to let him know that he can move on now. Now you know he got fired. I'm sure Idol will replace him with a Randy Jackson soundboard that will spit out lines like "Yo yo, dawg, that was pitchy, dawg" at the touch of a button. But whatever....
Now Randy Jackson can FINALLY go back to Journey.
Memaw Barbara Walters has finally taken her broom and swept Elisabeth Hasselcrack out the front door after 10 years. Yesterday, Joy Behar announced that she's pulling her ass off the second chair at The View after 16 and-a-half years, because sometimes getting paid millions of dollars to do the easiest job ever gets boring. Today, both Deadline and UsWeekly say that Whoopi Goldberg, Sherri "The German" Shepherd and Memaw Walters can finally pull the plugs out of their ears, because Elisabeth Hasselcrack's shrieking yammering will no longer be heard on The View. Elisabeth is following Joy right out the door.
Even though a spokeswhore for The View denies that Elisabeth has been given a pink slip, UsWeekly is hearing that she was dumped after test audiences said that watching a foreskin cleaning would be more pleasant than watching her. One source said:
"The viewers they polled all said she was too extreme and right wing. People did not watch the show because of Elisabeth. So they told her yesterday her contract would not be renewed."
Did they poll a bunch of people who just woke up from being in a coma for over 10 years? How did they just figure this out? But whatever, what's Barbara's trash is Fox News' newest treasure!
And here's my choices for Hasselcrack's replacement:
1. Ann Coulter, because I really want to see Whoopi lunge at her from across the table. I mean, we've all been waiting for a battle between Guinan and a malnourished Klingon.
2. Michele Bachmann, because she'd just mindlessly gaze at the camera and eventually all the other co-hosts would use her to lay their coats on the same way you use the treadmill in your bedroom to hang your coat on.
3. Callista Gingrich's hair.
The producers of The Real Plasticwives of Beverly Hills will save a little money next season, because they won't have to pay an animal handler to throw Temptations cat treats at Adrienne Maloof's face when she starts to growl. Adrianne is done.
After Adrienne threatened to sue Brandi Glanville for telling everyone that she used a surrogate to have her kids, she's barely been on the show. This morning People said that the producers of RHOBH threw a ball of yarn in the middle of the 405 freeway and told her to go and play with it, because they were sick of her constantly showing up late to shoots. A few hours after People reported that, Adrienne wrote on her blog that she's done with the show and those tramps and trollops will never see her post-op MGM Lion face again!
To my loyal fans… It was time to exit RHOBH
The show served as a wonderful platform for all the amazing projects that I have in the works. I am forever grateful to my fans, thank you for your support, and stay tuned! xoxoA
I would write a 10,000 word response to Adrienne's goodbye letter, but I'll let the human ice stone with eyes that is Yolanda Foster do it for all of us:
And here's Adrienne leaving a restaurant the other night with Sean Stewart who's looking more and more like a 1980s truck driver. Bitch looks like Larry Fortensky's truck stop bar driving buddy who smells like cigarettes, St. Pauli Girl and Aqua Velva and always keeps at least 5 pairs of aviator sunglasses in the glove box of his Trans Am.
Pimp Mama Kris' mighty pimp hand will be busy slapping Khloe Kardashian up and down the ho stroll today, because her fourth biggest money maker (behind Kanye, Kim and Lamar) has been fired from The X-Factor. The New York Post says that Hazmat has been called to the studio where X-Factor shoots to deodorize the fame whore stench left by a Kartrashian, because she is never coming back into the building again. A source says that Khloe will follow Brit Brit and L.A. Reid out the exit door. Mario Lopez is staying. Hosting coach Marki Costello tells the Post that she's not surprised that Fox sent Khloe back to the ho stroll:
"I am sure there was a big percentage of Khloe’s fans who followed her to ‘X Factor. But at the end of the day, when she doesn’t know what she is doing, are you helping your show or hurting it? It was really hard for me to watch Mario with her. It made me, as a viewer, almost uncomfortable.”
This isn't surprising to anybody, because Khloe was about as stiff as the boner Mario Lopez gets when he looks in the mirror, she couldn't read a teleprompter and her delivery was so plastic and unnatural that she made Kim look like an actual breathing human being who feels real emotions. If they're keeping Mario, they should'nt even bother replacing Khloe's ass, because every co-host will be outshined by the most talented and gloriously gorgeous host in the universe: Mario Lopez. The only co-host that can keep up with Mario Lopez is a Mario Lopez hologram. That's what they should do. They should let Mario co-host with Mario. Yes, Mario won't be able to control himself and he'll try to butt fuck his hologram during the live shows, but that will be the most entertaining thing to come out of X-Factor.
And Simon better pour wolf piss all over his backyard, because if he doesn't, Khloe will gallop down the hill, hop over his fence and come for him.
SCA, the company that owns Australia's 2Day FM, has permanently shut down Mel and Michael's radio show, stopped all advertising on 2Day FM and pressed pause on future pranks until further notice. Before Mel Greig and Michael Christian were handed pink slips, they gave an interview to A Current Affair and cried while apologizing to the family of the nurse who committed suicide after their royal prank.
Mel and Michael weren't paid for talking to A Current Affair, apparently. A Current Affair's Tracy Grimshaw asked them how the prank came to be and who was their target. While looking like a pile of pure sad, Mel said that the prank was just supposed to be some silly thing and nothing more. Their awful British accents were supposed to be the target of the prank. Mel thought they'd get the dial tone as soon as the receptionist heard them talking like Fat Bastard. When Nurse Jacintha Saldanha picked up the phone, because the receptionist was away, and immediately transferred the call, Mel and Michael thought they were being sent to a complaints section where all pranksters are sent. They thought every radio host in the world pranked the hospital.
Mel and Michael found out about Nurse Jacintha's death on Saturday morning and said they think of her family every single second of the day. They both said several times during the interview that even the Florida psychic who Lindsay Lohan punched couldn't have predicted that their dumb prank would've ended like this. As Mel broke down, she said this:
"There’s not a minute that goes by where we don’t think about her family and what they must be going through and the thought we may have played a part in that is gutwrenching. These prank calls are made every day, on every radio station, in every country around the world and they have been for a long time and no-one could’ve imagined this to happen."
They both played dumb when Tracy asked them about the usual protocol of their prank calls. Mel and Michael said that they're just simple pranking puppets. They do the pre-recorded prank and pass it off to whoever, and whatever happens after that is beyond their control. Since there's really no HIPAA laws in Britain, SCA says that they didn't do anything illegal, but are still cooperating with the investigation. SCA's legal department reviewed the prank before it went to air. This isn't the first prank that got 2Day FM into trouble.
As everyone has said before, this is the only time in history when I actually want to see Ashton Kutcher's face. I really wish Nurse Jacintha was still alive and that the hospital was pranking Mel and Michael back. I watched that interview waiting for Ashton to jump out and shout, "You've been PUNK'D!"
And since I am a superficial piece of trash and whatever brain cells I have left live in my ass lips, I did think to myself, "That Michael Christian dude is kind of hot."
Just like "professional gossip blogger," "professional couple blogger" is an actual job that actual humans do and pays actual money. But Kate Gosselin has lost that job title, because CouponCabin.com did what humanity has been waiting years to do: they pink-slipped her ass and banished her from their presence. After spending a year blogging about coupons for Coupon Cabin, the company's CEO Scott Kluth wrote a letter to his readers yesterday telling them in professional words approved by Human Resources that Kate is a raging bitch monster and in her severance package they gave her a 50% off coupon for a bitcherectomy.
A series of recent events have made it clear to me that Kate Gosselin and her contributions do not align with the authenticity which we set out to build almost a decade ago, and that Ms. Gosselin is simply not a good fit with the wonderful team and culture at CouponCabin.
It’s with this that I am writing to inform you of our decision to discontinue Ms. Gosselin’s feature blog on CouponCabin.com. Ms. Gosselin’s contributions garnered both positive attention and criticism, but as always, I respect and appreciate your candid opinions, which often encourage us not to lose sight of our mission — to help YOU save money.
We wish Kate, her family and her support staff all the best.
A series of recent events? I'm taking that to mean that Scott Kluth knocked his head against binders full of coupons and realized what all of us have known for centuries: Kate Gosselin is the worst and is about as pleasant as sticking your dick in a garbage disposal while buttchugging boiled battery acid. Kate probably tried to get a bunch of free crap and attacked the receptionist with a wooden spoon when the receptionist asked her what coupon she used for her Botox treatments.
Kate said on her Twitter that she's fine and she's keeping busy and blah blah blah blah blah blah.
The truth is, Coupon Cabin's readers will suffer the most, because they won't get more amazing tips like this one:
My most recent splurge was an industrial grade meat slicer. By roasting and slicing my own organic chicken and beef roasts into lunchmeat instead of buying it from the deli, I save major bucks! And the cycle repeats itself, because my splurge that helps me save on lunchmeat is the beginning of planning my next splurge. Got it? You can do it, too!
Wait, so Kate is out of a paycheck AND she has an industrial grade meat slicer? Please don't tell me she's suddenly selling "Asian sandwiches" from a cart in front of her house. Somebody do a head count of Kate's child army NOW!
Livestrongers everywhere are wearing those rubber yellow bracelets at half-mast today, because the charity's founding father has been kicked off of his rubber yellow throne for allegedly doping up. Livestrong told Lance Armstrong to take all of his pretty lil' shit, all his happy lil' shit, and get out of their house, because they're sick of checking under his mattress for doping needles. So then Lance took his suitcase and shuffled over to Nike's house, but they're not looking to change their tagline to "Just DOpe It" and so they dumped him too. Bitch has no medals, has lost his sponsorship from Nike and the cancer charity he founded in 1997 wants nothing to do with his ass. Okay, well, that's not totally true. Livestrong is letting Lance stay on the board, but that's just a "Yeah, you can come by and have a powdered donut during our meetings, but it's not like we're going to listen to anything your DOPING ass has to say" move. Lance passed out this open break-up letter today:
“I have had the great honor of serving as this foundation’s chairman for the last five years and its mission and success are my top priorities. Today therefore, to spare the foundation any negative effects as a result of controversy surrounding my cycling career, I will conclude my chairmanship.”
With no charity to run, no medals to polish, no race to cycle in, Lance will do what every retiree does: watch Dr. Oz reruns, yell at children, tend to the gigantic marijuana shrub in their backyard and practice their OMGIDIDNTKNOWTHATIJUSTBOUGHTTHISATACARBOOTSALE face when the cops bust them for having a gigantic marijuana shrub in their backyard.
Lying Ass Lance will be fine, but I wonder how Livestrong is going to distance themselves from this semi-scandal? Obviously, they need to reinvent themselves and the only way to do that is to drop those yellow rubber bracelets and sell yellow rubber cock rings instead. Cock rings make everything better.
One day after Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson allegedly joined the Chris Brown Fight Club by headbutting his soon-to-be-ex-wife Evelyn Lozado, he got a BYE BITCH slip from the Miami Dolphins and the awkward moment was captured by HBO's cameras and now he can relive it for years and years to come!
Each season, HBO's Hard Knocks follows an NFL team, and thanks to Ochocinco's luck, this season they're following the Miami Dolphins, so they were there when Coach Joe Philbin spat out some HR department shit by saying that it's just not a fit anymore. (Translation: "We've hated your ass for a while and now we've got our excuse to dump your ass. Bye bye.") Ochocinco sat there and tried to save his job by saying that he's never been in trouble before. TMZ notes that Ochocinco was convicted of domestic violence 12 years ago. So I guess that little fact slipped off of his mind when he headbutted Evelyn. But DAMN! Watching a trick, even a twat bag trick like Ochocinco, get fired is almost as painful as getting fired.
And I'm actually surprised that Coach Philbin didn't wear a helmet just in case Ochocinco decided to give him a goodbye headbutt.
Some of us know what it feels like to come into work on a Friday morning (those bitches ALWAYS do it on a Friday), sit in our cubicles and log into our computers only to get the dreaded "incorrect password" pop-up. You roll out of your cubicle, turn to your co-worker and say some shit like, "My password doesn't work." They throw you a look that clearly says, "Gurrrrrl, you better clear out the office supply closet while your ass still has time." The "incorrect password" pop-up is your boss' way of letting your computer to do the dirty work so their ass doesn't have to. That's basically sort of what happened to Community's creator and one-time show runner Dan Harmon. Yesterday, news broke that NBC chose not to pick up Dan Harmon's contract and replaced him with David Guarascio and Moses Port from Happy Endings. Dan said on his Tumblr page last night that he found out when everybody else did. NBC and Sony didn't give him an awkward goodbye party in the conference room and didn't give him a chance to have a dramatic cunt meltdown in the middle of the office before getting dragged away by security. Sony and NBC quit his ass through a press release.
Dan also said that the head of NBC Bob Greenblatt was telling lies when he said that Dan would still be a part of Community. That isn't so. Dan writes that he hasn't had one conversation with NBC since he found out he was dumped and he really has no clue as to why they gave him a one-way ticket to the unemployment line. Vulture says that NBC felt Dan had a million great ideas in his head, but sucked at managing the writers. Here's a piece of Dan Harmon's firing according to Dan Harmon:
A few hours ago, I landed in Los Angeles, turned on my phone, and confirmed what you already know. Sony Pictures Television is replacing me as showrunner on Community, with two seasoned fellows that I’m sure are quite nice - actually, I have it on good authority they’re quite nice, because they once created a show and cast my good friend Jeff Davis on it, so how bad can they be.
Why’d Sony want me gone? I can’t answer that because I’ve been in as much contact with them as you have. They literally haven’t called me since the season four pickup, so their reasons for replacing me are clearly none of my business. Community is their property, I only own ten percent of it, and I kind of don’t want to hear what their complaints are because I’m sure it would hurt my feelings even more now that I’d be listening for free.
And he goes on...
You may have read that I am technically “signed on,” by default, to be an executive consulting something or other - which is a relatively standard protective clause for a creator in my position. Guys like me can’t actually just be shot and left in a ditch by Skynet, we’re still allowed to have a title on the things we create and “help out,” like, I guess sharpening pencils and stuff.
However, if I actually chose to go to the office, I wouldn’t have any power there. Nobody would have to do anything I said, ever. I would be “offering” thoughts on other people’s scripts, not allowed to rewrite them, not allowed to ask anyone else to rewrite them, not allowed to say whether a single joke was funny or go near the edit bay, etc. It’s….not really the way the previous episodes got done. I was what you might call a….hands on producer. Are my….periods giving this enough….pointedness? I’m not saying you can’t make a good version of Community without me, but I am definitely saying that you can’t make my version of it unless I have the option of saying “it has to be like this or I quit” roughly 8 times a day.
Well, at least they didn't make Dan go into the office to tell him. It's the worst when they make your ass drive all the way in instead of telling you over the phone. Getting told your shit is fired is a little bit easier to take when you're in your panties and sitting on your bed with a bowl of coffee (you're out of clean mugs) in your lap. If I was Dan, I'd still go in, though. But only to eat all the food and to have office chair races with myself in the hallways.
And I can't wait to hear what kind of "leaked" voicemails come out of this mess.