Blue Ivy Carter
Paris is currently being cleansed the ethereal light shooting off of the chosen one's invisible halo, because Blue Ivy Carter is there with Beyonce and Jay-Z and all of them ate food at a restaurant today. B.I.C. is barely 1 years old and she's already taller than Kevin Hart (but who isn't?), which means that she's going to be at least 8 feet tall. That's the way nature intended her to be, because then she can really look down at the peons below her. And I'm sure everybody who publishes these pictures will soon get a letter from Blue Ivy Carter's lawyers, because I see her throwing a "you know I have to approve these pictures before you publish, right?" side-eye. Just like her mom!
Soon, Blue Ivy Carter will look down on us regular peons both figuratively and literally. As Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter were walking to their SUV after having brunch at Buttermilk Channel in Brooklyn yesterday, someone was able to get a picture of the 14-month-old chosen one. They were able to take this picture right before Beyonce's bodyguards ordered them to bow down to the holy queens of the universe.
But seriously, there must be some serious kinds of growth hormones in the diamonds that Beyonce and Jay-Z feeds Blue Ivy Carter, because that is one tall one year old. Blue Ivy's line on the growth chart is above Kevin Hart's, Tommy Girl's and Ryan Seacrest's.
It must be those Timbs. Those baby Timbs are so damn heavy that they're stretching out her legs.
QUICK! Grab a piece of paper, poke a hole into it, hold it up to the screen and look at the picture of Blue Ivy Carter's face through it or her gloriousness will burn your eyes.
Beyonce shows us the chosen one's full face in her Beyoncementary, which airs tomorrow, but a picture from the documentary has leaked and is spreading all over the internet. It's been a year since we've seen Blue Ivy Carter's face and yes, she's totally Jay-Z's daughter.
And yes, Blue Ivy Carter's eyebrow situation is already in a league of its own, but I really wish she would've worn her diamond encrusted halo for the cameras.
Jay-Z And Beyonce Spend $1 Million A Year On A Nursery That Blue Ivy Carter Sometimes Spends Time In
When normal people go to see a basketball game at a stadium, they usually leave their kid with a $10/an hour teenage babysitter or if they're a Lohan, they leave their kid in the backseat of the car with a bottle full of gin. But when the duke and duchess of the one percent, Jay-Z and Beyonce, go to Brooklyn's Barclays Center, which he owns less than 0.2% of, they drop Blue Ivy Carter and her team of nannies in a luxury nursery that they pay over $83,000 a month for. MONEY: Jay-Z and Beyonce like wasting it!
A source tells UsWeekly that Barclays rents out 11 private suites and, of course, Jay-Z's cost the most. When Blue Ivy Carter isn't slobbering on the walls of Jay-Z's private suite, he lets his friends use it. The source said this mess of words:
"Jay rents a luxurious basement suite for $1 million a year. It has an area for Blue filled with toys. It's all glass with a champagne bar and TV screen. Jay lets friends use his digs when he's not there."
Oh okay, so Blue Ivy Carter's nursery is just in an "area" of Jay-Z's suite. Let's say Blue Ivy Carter's private space takes up 25% of the suite, that's around $20,000 a month for a nursery space that she sometimes sits in every now and again. Jay-Z and Beyonce spending that much money on BIC's sometime nursery makes sense, because studies show that little babies are so much happier and healthier when they're sitting in luxury spaces!
If I went to BIC's luxurious nursery at Barclays and asked her if she's happy, she'd stop playing with her rattle carved out of a giant diamond and say to me, "Googoojiggablahblahsingladiesgaggadrooooool."
If I went to the playpen in the kitchen that my cousin's baby plays in and asked her if she's happy, she'd stop playing with her plastic blocks from The Dollar Tree and say to me, "Googoojiggablahblahsingladiesgaggadrooooool."
See, haterz, THE FACTS DON'T LIE!
I already linked to a few pictures at Lainey of Beyonce struttin' into Bergdorf Goodman in NYC with a huge dollop of Baduizm on her head and little Blue Ivy Carter in her arms, and here's a picture from the inside someone tweeted earlier today. Beyonce and Jay-Z's team of security guard ninjas must've been hungover or some shit, because usually when they see you pull out a cell phone while in the presence of the chosen one, they'll tackle you to the floor, drag you out of the store, throw you into a van, drive you out to a deserted field, drop you into a shaft and before you know it Basement Baby is handing you a plate of hors d'oeuvres made of moth balls as a welcome gift. But that didn't happen and the Internet got the first picture of B.I.C.'s face in six months. She has a whole lot hair! She has a whole lot of cheeks! She has some Jay-Z in the face! Now, every church in the world can update the portrait they have on their Shrine to Blue Ivy Carter.
And I don't know what has Beyonce and Jesus' successor so hypnotized. I'm guessing what they're staring at is covered in rare red diamonds and/or is so expensive that it needs two tags to fit its full price. Because if that wasn't the case, they'd both be yawning while saying "NEXT!" with their eyes.
via E! Online
Pass this to the team of philosophers studying the meaning of the name of our new messiah. After Beyonce and Jay-Z gave their first born the name of the champagne room at The Blue Iguana, theories as to why they gave her that name ranged from, "Hos named her after a tree covered in Smurf jizz" to "Hos are obsessed with the color blue and number 4." There's a new theory out there and this one comes from the mother of the infinite blue light of holiness herself. Beyonce slapped a passage from Rebecca Solnit's "A Field Guide to Getting Lost" onto her Tumblr page and The Atlantic Wire (via Crunk + Disorderly) thinks it unlocks the meaning of Blue Ivy™ Carter's name. I don't know about that, but I do know it will unlock the meaning of the eye roll you're about to make. The Atlantic Wire broke it down for us:
"The world is blue at its edges and in its depths," Solnit writes in the passage Bey posted. "This blue is the light that got lost."
It's the opening to "The Blue of Distance," the second chapter. If Beyoncé read past the opening passage, then she understands the depth behind the chapter's name.
Solnit sees value in cherishing the desire she associates with the color, instead of treating desire as "a problem to be solved." Or in other words, looking into the "blue of distance" without wanting the distance to go away.
File that under: Beyonce Has Had WAY Too Much GOOP In Her Life. But seriously, Beyonce probably just Googled "Blue" and "deep shit" and after that passage came up, she threw it on her Tumblr page to give bitches something to blog about. And I fell for it.
Beyonce can try to throw us off the trail all she wants, but we all know she either named Periwinkle Fern after the belly rash she got from wearing that pillow all those months or after the secret password needed to get into the Illuminati's lair. You tried it, Bey.
The suffocation of Blue Ivy continues! To keep the breath and glares of peons from tainting her holy bundle of infinite light, Beyonce strapped a sapphire-encrusted oxygen mask over Blue Ivy's breathing area and shoved that baby under her sweater thing to carry her out of a doctor's office in NYC yesterday. You can't tell from these pictures, but thousands of Beyonce's followers gathered around and begged the chosen one to rebuke their ailments from their being by placing her tiny foot on their foreheads. And by ailments I mean sore hairlines caused by extreme lace front wearing and the guilt they feel from visiting Basement Baby's MySpace page. (Yes, I said MySpace page. I mean, MySpace is the basement of social media, so it's fitting.)
But seriously, I see what Beyonce and Mama Tina are doing here. Beyonce knows how much attention she got from conspiracy theorists thinking that the only thing she was pregnant with was stuffing made by Serta. So Beyonce is milking more attention out of conspiracy theorists by covering Blue Ivy's holy face so it looks like she's carrying around a House of Dereon Cabbage Patch Doll.
I'm all for Beyonce's stuntin' ways, but can she please stop suffocating the color blue. Bitch acts like she owns that color. I can't even pull a blue shirt out of my closet without thinking about Blueonsay's ass. The next time a pair of blue balls dangle in front of me, I don't want to think about Beyonce. Bitch is going too far with the blue. We should look into filing a class action lawsuit against this blue-hoarding ho. Take back the blue!
Fishsticks Paltrow is an Oscar-winning actress, a Grammy-nominated book talker, a wood-burning pizza oven advocate, a noted eye roll-inducer, a shit tube expert, the pride of Britain and a woman who redefines "pretentious ass bitch" with every GOOP newsletter she queefs out. Well, you can add a new title to Fishy's never-ending list of gifts: master future-teller! The GOOPY one has been cleansed by the infinite light of greatness beaming off of Blue Ivy Carter's halo and tells Hollywood Life (via UsWeekly) that B.I.C. will be the Liza Minnelli to Beyonce's Judy Garland.
"She is going to be an entertainer. She just has this glow around her like her mother. She's stunning. She has the most beautiful eyes.
Beyonce is doing great. She's just a natural at being a mom."
A glow around her? You DUMB DUMB GOOP! That's not a natural glow. Beyonce gets her "glow" from seven layers of liquified gold spread across her face and from the team of assistants shining soft light at her from mobile diffused spotlights. That's the glow of money, honey. And about that "she's going to be an entertainer" thing. I would say "No shit, bitch" to Fishticks, but she'd probably respond with, "No shit? You should try my $425 colon cleanse then!"
I don't have to hump a crystal ball with my eyes to see that Blue Ivy Carter is going to be an entertainer. B.I.C.'s name is trademarked, she has already had a hit single and she just has to let out a burp to get a multi-million dollar record deal from any label of her choosing. I'd glow too if I knew my shit was set for life. But Fishy obviously doesn't understand this, because unlike B.I.C., she had to pound the pavement and work hard for everything she has. It's not like she's only famous because her mom is Blythe Danner, her godfather is Steven Spielberg and her ex-piece is Brad Pitt. No, not at all.
And is that Paula Abdul to the right? (Just pretend and say yes.) Fishy looks like a giant white Vicodin pill in that cape dress thing, so why didn't Paula swallow her whole? Oh Paula, you disappoint.
The next time you get a case of blue balls or a blue waffle infection, prepare yourself to get a letter from Beyonce and Jay-Z's team of lawyers, because they pretty much own the color blue now. NO BLUE FOR YOU! With blue skid marks in her weave, blue polish on her nails, a blue jacket on her back and Blue Ivy Carter (or maybe that's a blue sack of blue potatoes) cocooned into blue blankets, Beyonce went to lunch at Sant Ambroeus Restaurant in NYC yesterday with Jay-Z. BLUE! BLUE! BLUE BLUE! EVERYWHERE! It's a bluesplosion! Who in blue hell does Blueonce think she is? A Crip? Somebody jump her in.
Because making your first public appearance in the pages of a magazine is so average (see: Suri in Vanity Fair), Blue Ivy Carter has graced the eyes of the masses for the first time on her own Tumblr page and she's already a genius since she scribbled this handwritten note out:
We welcome you to share in our joy. Thank you for respecting our privacy at this time in our lives.
-The Carter Family.
I think we can all exhale now that we know that Beyonce's genes won the battle. I see a whole lot of Mama Tina and even a drop of Ashanti (that's for all you pillow baby conspiracy theorists). I also see a little bit of my Salvadoran tia after she got all her hair chopped off at Supercuts, but that's a story for another day. Speaking of hair, that baby has so much of it! That baby's hair is laid like Jesus. Or she could already be fooling us all by having the best lace front in the game.
But seriously, I'm a little disappointed by these pictures of our new messiah. I mean, where's her halo halo?