People's Sexiest Potato Alive 2012 Channing Tatum tells The Sun that his dream man is People's Sexiest Man Alive 1997/2006 George Clooney and that he wants to make out with George's butt all night long. Whenever Channing is in a room with George, everybody else disappears, his body turns into a giant boner and all he sees is George's perfect face. Channing would leave his knocked up wife Jenna Dananahwatever and his unborn baby for George. A stream of drool trickled out of Channing's mouth when he said this:
“I’ve spent time with George Clooney and he’s the most interesting man on the planet. He can do it all. I guess what I’m saying is I’d have sex with him.”
That's it? Channing Tatum can't say that he'd bone George Clooney and leave out the most important details. Would they make out or just get right to it? Would they 69 or 88 or both? Would Channing make George slap him in the face with his peen? These are the details everybody (aka just me) wants to know. But more importantly, who'd be the top and who'd be the bottom?
I've seen Channing Tatum's body rolls in that Magic Mike shit, so I'd say he's the top. Then again, he seems like the sort of dude you'd meet at a bar, peg as a total top, but then when you get to his apartment and make out for a bit, he excuses himself to freshen up in the bathroom. That totally means he's going to clean his butt out with a balloon enema. BOTTOM!
Then there's George. That one's easy. George looks like he loves it most when his ass is up in the air and his teeth are biting down on a pillow. POWER BOTTOM!
So what I'm saying is that they'd totally use a double-sided dildo.
One of my duties as a guest blogger for DListed is to report on celebrity peen whenever and wherever it pops up. It was in my contract. Lindsay Lohan could kick Katt Williams in the asshole in front of Buckingham Palace, and a peen post would still come first. I would be doing a disservice to my boss Michael K. if I dropped the ball(s) on this one. That's Channing Tatum, his pregnant wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum, and what could be his erect penis lounging on the beach.
It's possible I just have boners on the brain. That could just be the way his shorts are bunching. He could have a really big helmet on that soldier and it's just at ease. Maybe that's a hermit crab hiding out. Or maybe it's a THROBBING STIFFIE! Or at least a semi. You decide.
And yes, I totally would. Sure he's got a face like ham, and he won't get off of our movie screens. Seriously, it's like he's in a competition with Olivia Wilde to win the "Marginally Talented Actor To Appear In The Most Movies" trophy. However, he's pale and beefy and I can always just sit on his mug to hide it.
He also reminds me of several shady types that I know from Southie who will snatch your iPhone to sell for Perocets. All he's missing is a Sox jersey, a Fighting Irish tattoo, and coke dick. Hometown boys are the hottest. I consider coke dick to be a character-building challenge. Just keep an eye on your purse with those types.
Check out more pics of Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan-Tatum on the beach at St. Barts in the gallery.
The Charming Potato who broke out of his little patch, moved to Hollywood and later became Steven Soderbergh's muse, twerked a baby right into his wife's body. Channing Tatum and his wife of 3 years Jenna Dewan-Tatum tells the magazine that gave him the "Sexiest Man Alive" title that sometimes when a husband rides his wife's pony bareback-style, a baby is made. People gave us the news like this:
The actor and his wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum ”are pleased to announce that they are expecting the birth of their first child next year,” reps for the couple confirm to PEOPLE exclusively.
Some source tells UsWeekly that Carol O'Neal and Jenna were actually surprised that one of his jizz fishes headbutted its way into one of her eggs, but they're happy that they'll have a baby friend next year. Channing is going to take a year off to be with his wife and newborn.
You might be wondering why a couple who does it bareback-style is surprised about getting pregnant, but I'll have you know that they were using condoms all the time. This is how their baby was made. One night, Jenna was coming out of the shower and as she was standing there naked, she looked across the bathroom and saw Channing Tatum trying to twerk out a stubborn shit on the toilet. If you're wondering what that looks like, here you go:
BOOM! Baby. Anybody who watches Channing pump his crotch into the air live and in person, gets pregnant. Half of his fortune is spent on the child support he has to pay all the men and women who got knocked up with his baby during the filming of Magic Mike.
Here's Jenna looking pregnant at VH1 Divas last night. No, I don't know what the hell she's wearing. She's dressed like a pregnant 15-year-old at her quinceañera.
Just a little over a week after America voted Obama in for another four years, we now know the results to an even more important contest: Channing Tatum IS the Sexiest Man ALIVE! Surprise, surprise. I guess this is People's way of telling us that all the other white men died.
The big difference between last week's contest and this week's contest, besides this one being more important, of course, is that those dictators at People Magazine didn't even let us vote, really. They didn't even take our thoughts (or genitals) into consideration. Whoever's publicist offered up the biggest promise got the title. That title is bought! ("Um, so is the title of President, Michael" - my Republican auntie at Thanksgiving dinner as I try to suffocate myself on a canned cranberry log)
To me, Channing Tatum looks like a stale loaf of Wonder Bread, but he's a stale loaf of Wonder Bread who can really twerk his crust off to Pony, he's everywhere and he seems nice. Channing looks like a caveman, but he's the kind of caveman who'd wink at you before he clubs you over the skull and drags you off to his man cave. Channing tells People that he told his wife about his new title while the two pinched their dogs' anal glands in the tub:
"My first thought was, 'Y'all are messing with me,'" says Tatum, who married actress Jenna Dewan-Tatum in 2009. "I told Jenna after we'd been in the bathtub washing our dogs because they'd gotten skunked."
Says the actor: "She was like, 'What?'"
"Yeah, she calls me [the Sexiest Man Alive] now," he adds. And who can blame her?
The only way I'd completely agree with that cover is if Carrot Top was the star of it, but I still love what People did there. When I first saw it this morning, I read the words "The Women Inside The Petraeus Scandal" and then looked at that picture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. It was so right. I mean, the Biebs is a threat to security.
Ryan Reynolds' was People Magazine's Sexiest Man of 2010, Bradley Cooper took 2011 and apparently they're keeping with the theme of "bland-ish white dudes" by giving Channing Tatum the title this year. Gossip Cop says that next week, Bradley Cooper will put a tiara on Channing Tatum's head when he's named the Sexiest Man Alive (aka The Client Whose Publicist Traded The Most Promised Exclusives For This Fake Title) by People Magazine! I know, the only time the words "Sexiest" and "Channing" should be the on the cover of a magazine is if Carol Channing is named The Sexiest Human Who Ever Lived.
People refused to comment on this rumor.
You know, I am into necks that are thicker than a $40 ham lying in a freezer bin at a grocery store, but I was never into Channing Tatum. I never understood why hos were into him either until I went to see Magic Mike with a bunch of girls. One girl said that Channing Tatum is like that hottest dude in high school who always ignored you and never said one word to you. Then years later when you're home for Christmas, you run into him at the bar at T.G.I. Friday's and he's drinking alone. He's bloated, rougher in the face and you hit it and quit it just so you can say you did. So I totally get it now.
Still, Jon Hamm should've gotten the title. Jon's Hammaconda has been campaigning for that shit all year long! But whatever, I don't need People to tell me who the Sexiest Man Alive is when I already know it will forever be Richard Simmons. The proof is in the pucker.
Some of us have heard the stories and rumors that have painted (in Benjamin Moore shade: Douche Berry Brown) Alex Petmyfur as a boiled cunt sausage who is so difficult to work with that he makes butt fucking yourself with a wet hot dog bun seem easy and pleasant. Apparently, Channing Tatum found this out the hard way. Yeah, Channing looks like he's been punched in the face repeatedly and Alex needs to get punched in the face repeatedly.
Page Six says that while filming the blue ball inducer titled Magic Mike, Channing really wanted to grab Alex, pull down that trick's panties and brand the word "DIVA" into one of his nalgas. A source said that everyone on the Magic Mike set tried to get those two to play nice, but Channing washed his hands of Alex and wants nothing to do with him. The source says that's why Alex wasn't on the cover of Entertainment Weekly with the other hot pieces.
“Channing said he didn’t want to do [the shoot] if Alex was there,” our source sniffed. “Alex is known in Hollywood for being rude and difficult.” Previous reports have chronicled Pettyfer’s issues on other movie sets.
But a rep for Pettyfer told us about the EW shoot: “They were all offered the cover, and everyone was happy to do it with everyone else. Alex was unavailable to travel to New York . . . because he had another commitment that he couldn’t get out of. It was purely a logistical issue that prevented Alex from getting there.”
There's only one way to settle this: lubed-up sword fight at dusk on Joe ManJello's abs. Film it in 3D and there's your sequel to Magic Mike.
And here's Carol O'Neal and the Texas T-Rex obviously talking shit about Alex while posing for photographers at a photo call for Magic Mike in Berlin.
Joe ManJello spends at least 19 hours of his day lifting heavy things and trying to lick his peen tip while doing crunches, so he owes it to himself and everyone else to show off all that hard work by never wearing clothes in public again. Which is why I CAN'T with him for wearing a guido's funeral suit to the premiere of the movie where his nipples are out for most of it. Who the hell wears clothes to the premiere of a movie about man strippers? Seeing all these dudes in suits has confirmed to me that I don't want to see all these dudes in suits. As Reese Witherspoon said to Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway, "Take all them panties off, mister!" That goes for Matthew McConaughey, Adam Rodriguez, Alex Pettyfer, Channing Tatum and Matt Boner. Okay, maybe not Channing Tatum. He can stand in the corner while holding all of the other dudes' clothes. Somebody has to.
I've already made plans to see this Magic Mike mess on Saturday and that gives Jesus plenty of time to show himself by converting this shit to IMAX 3D. Actually, scratch that. If you're going to ask Jesus for something, you should really ask Jesus for something. Please make the screen at my showing burst into flames and make Alex Petmyfur, Adam Rodriguez, Matt Boner and Joe ManJello save the day by strolling in and letting the operator show the movie on their bare ass cheeks. Make me a believer!
The MTV Movie Awards was an unnecessary pile of useless dingles, but it was still the best thing MTV has aired in years and that's because during the Twatlight and Hunger Games appreciation ceremony, chronic panty cream-inducer Joe ManJello came out as Big Dick Richie, his character from Magic Mike, to give the "Most Transformed" award to Elizabeth Banks for wearing a pink wig in THG.
Never mind that Joe ManJello basically called your vagina and my no-no hole an ax wound (that's what my doctor calls it, so I'm used to it) by wielding a giant ax around like it was his dick, why did Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum stay on the stage when he came out? How can one fully fap to Joe ManJello when Matthew's T-Rex arms and Channing Tatum are in the same shot? I can't focus on Joe when I'm too busy wondering why Channing Tatum is starting to look like a bloated 35-year-old high school gym teacher who always drunkenly cries about how he had to turn down an invitation to the NFL tryouts because his girlfriend got knocked up.
And is it wrong of me to secretly wish that Joe ManJello's film and TV career dries up so that he has to start doing hardcore gay porn to pay his gym membership and protein shake bills? I mean, with cum gutters like those.....
If a movie poster doesn't look like it should be printed on 3x4 glossy card stock and passed out by a twink in a sleeveless shirt in front of Micky's on Santa Monica Blvd., we don't need it! The Magic Mike hos obviously get that, because here's the A for effort, low-budget poster for that cinematic bulge party camouflaged as a movie (I'm hoping). This is some Village People night at your mom's favorite club shit. This movie better not let me or my Saran-wrapped parts (I care about the cleanliness of movie theater seats) down. It better be like an episode of Dancing Bear. (Google that at lunch on your iPhone when you're in the comfort of the last stall in your office bathroom).
And here's some pictures of Joe ManJello flexing his He-Man doll body in Men's Health UK. The things your Photoshop is going to do to that picture of him with the tire. Adobe should just go ahead and add a "replace tire with muscle bottom" tool in Photoshop.
Some horny bitch in the Hollywood hierarchy must have sampled Channing Tatum's thonged delights a couple of years back. Because I can't sneak a nip into the AMC without his liverwursty self confronting me in every trailer shown. I don't get it. He's got a nice setup (sometimes) but is the talent there? No, but a badonka donk bubble butt obviously is because Parks and Recreation's Adam Scott wants to fuck it and Jonah Hill insisted on a sexy skinny-dipping session with it. Lap band surgery makes you gay.
We posted about Adam Scott's desire for Channing Tatum's buttocks over at my day job (it was a nice break from topics like self-fisting and which porn star gobbles cock the best). Scott rhapsodized to Details about Channing's hams and what we as a public should do with them.
DETAILS: Wow, that is nerdy. So, on Parks, the cast always seems to be having a ton of fun.
Adam Scott: You don't have fun at work? You work for Details. You sit around and talk about hot dudes like Channing Tatum. That guy looks like he was sculpted out of ivory. If they made casts of asses to sell at adult stores for people to have sex with, they would use his ass. Sorry for everything I just said.
You know when you're awkward and you sweat through party conversation and inevitably the thing you say to someone is a weird reference to some nightmarish fantasy that you have about snoodling and they quickly move away to the cheese plate? Maybe that's just Adam and I. Because that was quite a jump from "having fun on the set" to "I want a rubber Channing Tatum ass to fuck".
He's going to be one hissingly jealous pocket queen because toad turned meerkat Jonah Hill got to splash around with Channing's big white ass in Miami! They're in the 21 Jump Street remake together and Tatum told Jimmy Kimmel that they went for a dip together all nude and stuff.
"We decided to jump in the ocean—naked. It was nighttime, thank God," Tatum shared.
"There's Jerry's Deli right on the corner and [Jonah] decides he wants to go in and all he's got is his T-shirt and his underwear on and he's like, ‘I'm going in to get something to eat!' and I'm like, ‘No!' So I stopped him and [took] him back to the car," he added. "Now he's nicknamed 'Baby Jonah' because I had to dress him like a mom. I'm like, ‘No, no. Bad Jonah. No. Butt up, butt up. OK."
"Butt up"? Kinky adult baby play? The fuck is going on during these shoots? George Clooney must have made an immediate beeline for Channing's latest movie shoot after he made bail.
Oh, and I'm not going to pretend like I wouldn't spelunk on that ass. I've had liverwurst before. It didn't kill me.