It really isn't a Hollywood event until Sharon Stone shows up looking like she just skinned an animal alive before throwing its pelt onto her shoulders. Where was Goopy's stylist with a pube-shaving razor, because Sharon's jacket looks like a Kardashian merkin. How dreadful. And I can almost hear her feet crying out in humiliation from wearing those ugly ass peep-toe booties. While I appreciate it when a ho shows up looking like a wicked witch dominatrix at a funeral, the only way this look would've worked is if Sharon turned into a murder of crows at the end of the night.
The only time it's okay to wear an outfit like this is if you're about to pull out Kristen Stewart's stoner heart in your medieval lair or you're about to terrorize a bunch of Dalmatian puppies. That orange eyeshadow too... Did Sharon Stone really want her eyes to look like two sore b-holes in need of some Prep H?
With all that being said, Sharon was still the hottest messy bitch there, because everybody else showed up wearing boring rejected dresses from awards season. In order after Cruella de Stone: Rebel Wilson, Sofia Vergara, Hayden Pantyairs, Nicole Kidman, Barbra Streisand's tits with James Brolin and Donna Karan, Kerry Washington, Psy, Julie Bowen, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, some Duck Dynasty people,
Anne Burrell Patricia Arquette, Katy Perry, Kate Mara, Natalie Dormer, the matron of the Death Eaters, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Gerard Butler with Piers Morgan.
Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?
TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you're going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she's also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger's mouth.
See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!
And here's the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time's most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty's fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke's stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma "Touched By A Plastic Surgeon" Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom's boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.
The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn't she would've screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.
I don't know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would've worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn't detachable, because if it was it would've detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she's about as humble as Kanye West.
On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway's head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she'd have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.
Here's a few pictures from last night's SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.
I should be up to date on the vacancy status of Angela Chase's uterus, but I'm not, so the ball of popped bubble wrap I call a brain completely forgot that she was knocked up. But Claire Danes is not knocked up anymore, because she gave birth to her first kid sometime yesterday. Seeing the words "Claire Danes" and "pregnant" in the same sentence makes me remember the days when Billy Crudup left a knocked up Mary-Louise Parker for her ass. Anyway, People has all the details you care about (aka the baby name):
It will be a very happy holiday for Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy!
The Homeland star, 33, and her actor husband welcomed their first child, son Cyrus Michael Christopher Dancy, on Monday, Dec. 17, her rep confirms to PEOPLE exclusively.
Yes, CYRUS MICHAEL CHRISTOPHER. That baby is a first name hoarder. How many first names does one baby need?! Bitch should've paid tribute to her roots by naming her kid Rickie Rayanne, but she just had to go with Cyrus. Cyrus as in Billy Ray. Cyrus as in that annoying movie starring Jonah Hill. Cyrus as in the guy from The Real World: Boston who spelt it "Syrus" and got in trouble for sexing the mother of a student from the after-school program he volunteered at.
The only good thing about Claire and Hugh giving their kid the name Cyrus is that when he grows up and writes a tell-all about how he hates them for naming him Cyrus, he can call it "Cyrusiously tho?"
I'd rather hear this news from Rickie in the girls' bathroom while I peed sitting down, but Angela Chase gave the news to People first, so I'll just have to deal. Claire Danes' spokeswhore tells People that's she's got a womb full of baby and she made that baby with the dude I always forget she's married to, Hugh Dancy. They better name that baby Catalano Rayanne.
Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy are expecting their first child, her rep confirms to PEOPLE exclusively.
“There’s definitely a chance, no plans yet,” the Homeland star, 33, told PEOPLE last fall when asked if a baby could be on the way shortly. “But yeah, that’d be fun.”
Danes, who won a Golden Globe in January, wed Hannibal star Dancy, 37, in a private ceremony in France in 2009.
Don't worry, OBAMA, Claire's baby will pass through her vagina long after shooting for season 2 of Homeland ends, so your viewing experience will not be interrupted. SELFISH! Anyway, I hope Claire's baby is born with its father's lashes, because if it's not, then Latisse will have to make some lash growing shit for newborns. When your lashes grow, your lashes show! You know, fuck that Catalano Rayanne shit. Claire should totally name that baby Latisse. It's a hot name and it's only an "r" away from Latrice as in Royale.