While some "stars" are posing on the Cannes red carpet in $10,000 designer gowns and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of
Chopard something-other-than-Chopard jooree, the true star of Hollywood posed in the doorway of a builder grade red bathroom while wearing exquisite lucite heels, the finest gown from Windsor Fashions and a stuffed animal stole. You can always count on Courtney Stodden to remind us how a real classy jewel of Hollywood does it.
Believe it or not, posing in the doorway of a bathroom in West Hollywood isn't the sexiest thing Courtney has done lately. The porn iguana tells E! that Backdoor Farrah isn't the only talentless, plastic fame whore who has spread her Arby's roast beef special in front of a camera. Courtney says that she made a solo sex tape and she plans to keep it private, which is why she's talking about it to E!.
The tape, Stodden tells us at the Shekhar Rahate fashion show in Los Angeles Thursday, is "not out in the media" nor is it on her computer, and she advises wannabe hackers not to get their hopes up.
"Hackers, don't even go there cause you'll find nothing," Doug Hutchison's wife tells us about poking around her computer.
As for what's on the tape, it's "just me," she claims, adding that it wasn't shot too long ago. "I turned 18 in August, so you do the math."
The buxom blonde declined to give any more details—"I don't want to put any images in people's mind; I'm gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want"—but insisted she has no plans to release it.
"No, this is personal," she says.
Courtney has truly underestimated the hackers, because I have EXCLUSIVO footage from her solo sex tape:
I know, it was wrong of me to post that. My apologies to the iguana in the solo sex tape above for comparing him to Courtney Stodden. No iguana deserves that.
And here's Courtney putting the "old" and "ho" in old Hollywood during her bathroom doorway photo shoot last night. A slow clap for the mortician at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for doing their best work on Courtney's face.
Playboy apparently refused to put Courtney Stodden on their cover when she turned 18 in human years, because they already fulfilled their charitable obligation to messes by putting Lindsay Lohan on the cover and they weren't looking to grow readership in the lizard fetishists demographic. But what's Playboy's loss is Girls & Corpses' gain! When Hugh Hefner sees Girls & Corpses Magazine he's going to spit out the lukewarm tapioca pudding his latest wife just fed him, pull off his house slipper and slap down the dumb trick who kept the exquisite porn iguana off of his magazine.
For their Spring issue, Girls & Corpses put Courtney Stodden (front) and an unnamed corpse (back) on their cover. It must've been nice for Courtney to pose with a corpse that's more dead inside than she is and not as creepy as her gross husband Doug Hutchison. Since Courtney is married to Doug, she can say that a paper mache corpse made of used toilet paper and scabs isn't the most disgusting thing that has touched her crotch.
And today the cover of Girls & Corpses, tomorrow the cover of Vogue! Isn't that what they always say?
The Stodden family now has a touching mother/daughter portrait to go with the illegal father/daughter portrait that made me want to scream for an adult.
Looking like an ethereal angel (or like the dusty ghost of whores' past), Courtney Stodden posed with her mom Krista Stodden at the after-party for the Shekhar Rahate Haute Couture fashion show in L.A. last night. There's nothing like bonding with the pimp mom who sold you to Tooms from The X-Files. Has Krista Stodden, Brit Brit's mom Lynn and Jessica Simpson's mom Tina ever been in the same room together, because I'm pretty sure they're all the same person. They all love whoring out their blonde daughters, they all have brown JCPenney hair salon manes and they all look like they burn the shit out of their credit cards at White House Black Market. Krista Lynn Tina is totally one person.
But who cares about that, let's all take in the exquisiteness that the porn iguana served up last night. I don't know what's the most elegant thing about this look: the two bump-its shoved into her weave, the fact that she matched her lipstick to her chonies or those exquisitely crafted cork stripper shoes?
The answer is: all of the above!
The albino Elvira look IS the look.
Here's Courtney Stodden telling everyone everything they need to know about Courtney Stodden while teaching the children how to get famous in one simple step. Wow is right.
Courtney Stodden has pulled another Party City wig out of her toy chest and once again showed us that she's either suffering from chronic boredom like a 13-year-old on summer break or she's slowly losing her mind or both! Courtney Stodden's last alter ego, Courtina, looked like a refugee from Donald Trump's harem and she talked like Bjork if Bjork didn't have a tongue. This time, Courtney threw a Paris Jackson wig on her head and dressed up like a freelance day-shift stripper at Fangtasia to play her Emo goth sister Courtland.
Courtland calls Courtney a fame whore and says that Doug Hutchison is a washed-up D-list saggy bald actor. (Well, she got two out of two right.)
I don't even know... Is this some long-running performance art piece and it won't be long before we find out that Marina Abramović and Yoko Ono are her co-mentors? Is Courtney Stodden going to rip her face off to reveal that she's really a Wayans brother and this has all been an elaborate viral marketing campaign for the reboot of In Living Color? Is the Spice Channel making a resurrection and their first show is a porn variety show and this is Courtney's audition tape?
This mess looks straight out of a porn parody of Sybil and I hate Doug and Courtney for making me type the words "porn parody of Sybil." That's not right.
When you look at Courtney Stodden, don't you think to yourself that she is exactly what Jayne Mansfield would look and act like if Jayne suffered from that Benjamin Button's disorder and her body was taken over by the spirit of the lizard men? Courtney Stodden does too! Courtney tells Rumor Fix that she thinks she's a twinkling star in the universe of icons along with the likes of Jayne Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe and Brigitte Bardot. Methinks Courtney is just saying this shit, because she really wants Mariska Hargitay to call her mommy. This is the stream of hilariousness that came out of Courtney's mouth:
“I look back to the pin-up days — Jayne Mansfield, Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, and those beautiful iconic women. I want to be an icon and feel like I am. I feel like I’m different, I married young. Those women were old souls, and I feel like I can connect with them. We are both old souls and we’re having fun, and being glamorous and flirty.”
Courtney looks slightly older than current day Brigitte Bardot and both Jayne and Marilyn got married before their 18th birthdays, so she might be on to something. If Jayne's first husband also looks like a bald Rosie O'Donnell as played by Matt Lucas, then Courtney totally is our generation's Jayne Mansfield.
Here's the iconic Courtney Stodden and her creep-faced husband Doug Hutchison walking around West Hollywood yesterday afternoon. I know being an icon is a full-time job, but Courtney being an icon isn't her true calling. Bitch should be a professional smugger. I mean, if you pulled her bra off, out would fall 4 other padded bras, a pair of Phoebe Price's old chicken cutlets, 10 pairs of shoulder pads, Doug's sense of decency, her dignity, her original birth certificate, her mother's Mom of the Year Award and an extra pair of exquisite lucite heels. Everything is stuffed in there. So Courtney can smuggle anything into the country for us like drugs, non FDA-approved diet pills, Cuban cigars, Absinthe and even some of my family members. Anything we want! Where do I place my order?
Okay, maybe it's not dripping with candy-coated elegance, but it's definitely dripping with something, because my eyeballs are sticky in a bad way and the rest of my day will be spent scrubbing my retinas with a Chore Boy and two cans of Ajax (with BLEACH!). Speaking of Chore Boys, everybody who helped in the making of the porn iguana's debut music video was obviously smoking from a Chore Boy crack pipe, because this is an illegal mess.
If you've ever wondered what a Skinemax movie would look like if a perma-horny, cotton-mouthed iguana in a thirsty weave was cast as the lead, you'll get your answer when you watch Courtney Stodden's video for her auto-tuned as fuck single "Reality." Courtney's video has a budget of zero (that's being generous), all of the sophisticated ensembles she's wearing were snatched from a dumpster behind a third-tier stripper shop on Hollywood Blvd. and several laws were broken while making this.
I couldn't find an embeddable clip, which probably isn't a bad thing, because Dlisted has been hit with way too many fake Malware warnings this week and it really doesn't need another one. So you have to go to E! to watch Courtney's latest assault on your soul. You should run the shower before you hit play, because you will want to jump into it afterward.
That being said, Courtney's video is a complicated piece of art and I'm sure that the authority on all things artistic, James Franco, will teach an entire course on it at RISD in the fall.
Look who's putting the "ho" in ho ho ho and the "mess" in Christmas! Yes, you can all thank me later for burning this exquisite and breathtaking image into your memory banks, and I know you won't hate me more when I point out that from the looks of Courtney Stodden's ass, Santa jizzes Dollar Store spray snow. I know we were all wondering, and you're welcome.
As a special holiday gift for us all, Courtneys mom wraps up some words of wisdom in a garish hot pink box with an oversized silver bow (she can't afford gold), and she doesn't sound at all like a delusional mess who's been downing Adderall and eggnog cocktails with her daughter (yes, she does). In an article on Huffington post, Courtney's mom, who does NOT have it going on, explains to us that her daughter is a timeless beauty, a victim of gorgeousness, and that she's HERE TO STAY. That sound you hear is not a hurricane, it's the collective exhale from every living creature on the planet in the knowledge that we can look forward to Slutty Santa, Easy Easter Bunny, Pussy Popping Patriot and Temptress Turkey for years to come. Yaaaaay.
“Courtney is the new Anna Nicole Smith, without the drugs. Everyone wants to be like Marilyn Monroe, but with Courtney the beauty comes from within -- like Pam Anderson and Farrah Fawcett.”
Me: Marilyn Monroe? Farrah Fawcett?? Jenna Jameson, MAYBE.
“It won't be 15 minutes of fame because it's an evergreen story. Courtney is so intriguing; she’s almost an addiction for people. Her light shines. When she walks into an event, it's incredible, as her mom and manager, to watch the reaction from people. There are so many horrible things we read, but when people meet her in person is so rewarding."
Me: It's kind of hard to ignore a barely legal bitch with her bits hanging out and her toes hanging over the end of her 12-inch lucite heels.
“She’s a victim of her own beauty. We need to understand all kinds of discrimination. It’s very sad.”
There is so much wrong with that last part, and I can't even see right now to comment because my eyes are rolling like a slot machine.
That's a trick question.
The King of Thailand's 85th birthday was celebrated during the Muay Thai Championship Fights in L.A. over the weekend, and the King of Thailand couldn't make it because he didn't have enough miles, so they invited the closest thing they could get to Thai royalty: Courtney Stodden! Doug Hutchison, who looks like if a zombie Efren Ramirez played Aileen Wuornos in Monster, escorted his child bride to the fights and he stood back while his wife showed the people how a true lady of elegance does it.
A true lady wears fake eyelashes made from a dust brush's dirty bristles. A true lady wears every padded bra in her drawer so that her tits look like two Cornish game hens wearing full diapers. A true lady makes a luxurious stole from Ikea sheepskin rugs. A true lady wears exquisite lucite heels ALWAYS and a gorgeous $12 gown from Joyce Leslie. Those bra straps just top the whole look off.
And I'm pretty sure Doug is trying hard to get an audition for The Walking Dead.
14-year-old Ariel Winter, who plays the daughter with the glasses on Modern Family, is now living with her older sister after she told the court her mother Chrystal Workman verbally, physically and emotionally abused her. Chrystal Workman denies abusing her daughter and she says her daughter only called CPS on her ass after she tried to put an end to Ariel's relationship with 18-year-old Cameron Palatas. Chrystal says she caught Ariel and Cameron in bed together and told her daughter she couldn't see him again, but when the illegal foolery continued, she filed statutory rape charges against him. I know, none of us know what to think about this mess, but thankfully we have the wise porn iguana that is Courtney Stodden to guide our thoughts for us. Radar went up to Courtney's advice booth and asked her what she thinks about 14-year-old Ariel dating an 18-year-old dude.
Courtney isn't a licensed therapist and has bleached iguana dingles for brains, but we should still listen to what she has to say because she's rill, rill wise like that. Courtney didn't know who Ariel was at first, so her keeper Doug Hutchison had to tell her and then she spat this up:
"I think it's awesome! As long as they're in love, it's okay. They should get married!"
I know that whenever I need relationship advice, I try to get it from an 18-year-old factory defected Frederick's of Hollywood mannequin who is possessed by the spirit of a lizard demon and calls her 51-year-old creepster husband "daddy." When Courtney Stodden says she approves of your relationship, that's your cue to un-friend your boyfriend on Facebook, erase all traces of him from your iPhone and pay a mind-erasing hypnotist thousands of dollars to scrub every memory of him from the crevices of your brain. Do take fashion, make-up and plastic surgery advice from Courtney, but don't take relationship advice from that mess. Go to bed, Courtney, and by bed, I mean JAIL!
And let's not ask Courtney what she thinks about Elmo getting it on with a 16-year-old. We've already been through enough today.
UPDATE: And here's Courtney, her pimp mom and her mutant foreskin of a husband at some event in Downtown L.A. last night. This is why you should always take fashion, make-up and plastic surgery advice from Courtney. The clear bra straps, the baby powder make-up, the melting face, the exquisite lucite heels and the not-at-all obvious tit padding... Why isn't this on the cover of Chernobyl Vogue?!