Fiona Apple

South America isn't going to see Fiona Apple for a while, because she has pressed pause on her planned tour there and is staying in California with her best friend Janet the dog. The now 13-year-old pitbull who Fiona found tied to a tree in a park has a tumor in her chest and will fly up to heaven any day now. So Fiona isn't leaving Janet's side and will stay with her till the end. Fiona hand wrote a letter to her fans on lined paper, scanned it and posted it to Facebook. I've posted it after the cut, but I should warn you. Kryptonite is to Superman like this letter is to ice cold hearts. Sarah McLaughlin's In The Arms of the Angel has nothing on this letter. On to the sadness....

Above is Fiona "Let's Smoke Out Of A Bong" Apple at a show in Houston Friday night, one day after she was put into handcuffs after cops found a little weed and some hash on her tour bus at an inspection checkpoint. Between songs, Fiona gave the audience classic Fiona Apple when she let out a rambling monologue full of DRAMA. Fiona accused 4 officers of the jail she was kept in of doing some possibly illegal shit. Fiona let them know that at any moment she can set that station on fire with the revelations that will pour of her mouth. Fiona has been watching too much Revenge. Pitchfork transcribed Fiona's entire rant and it really has me wondering if I sound like that after smoking one too many bowls.

"Now, most of the people were very nice to me. There are four of you out there, and I want you to know that I heard everything you did. I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn't hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and-- I got two lock boxes. We'll call them "holding cell one" and "holding cell two". In "holding cell one" is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In "holding cell two" is the decoder. I'm the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you're interested in being a celebrity, I'll make you fucking famous any time you ask and I'll open those boxes. So why don't you stay in your fucking holding cell?"

But the Public Information Officer of the Hudspeth County Sheriff's Department isn't sitting in the corner of a dark room and shaking at the thought of Fiona destroying him with a bunch of lock boxes of SECRETS! Officer Rusty Fleming fought back at Fiona with an open letter that I swear was ghostwritten by Dionne Warwick. Officer Rusty looked Fiona up and down and basically said she ain't shit. Fiona didn't put a spotlight on Officer Rusty, Officer Rusty put a spotlight on her. Yes, he's coming at her like that. TMZ has the letter and I snapped so much that the skin on my fingers rubbed off:

First, Honey, I’m already more famous than you, I don’t need your help. However, it would appear that you need mine.

Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say, -- now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you.

Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail.

Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman and even though I’m not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I’m sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best—so my last piece of advice is simple “just shut-up and sing.”

Sincerely
Rusty Fleming

More like QUEEN Rusty Fleming. When he started off with "First, Honey, I'm already more famous than you...." I thought he was going to end with "I took your stash and I'll take YO MAN next, beeeee-otch!" Being an officer in Texas is fun. You get to take people's stash away and smoke it while writing bitch-a-fied letters. I mean, Rusty gave himself away with that "I'm already more famous than you" line. We now know what he did with Fiona's hash.

Musicians carrying any form of the good shit on their tour bus need to be like Louise from Thelma & Louise and not drive through Texas, because doing so could completely mess up their high. Fiona Apple obviously didn't learn from Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson, because last night she was busted in Sierra Blanco, the same TX town where Snoop and Willie were busted in, for having hash on her bus. Fiona's tour bus was stopped during an inspection checkpoint and when the sweet scent of a Bob Marley fart filled the cops' nostrils, they checked the bus and the party was over.

TMZ says that Fiona only had a little bit of hash, but they still put her in handcuffs, dragged her to jail and made her pose in front of the mug shot camera while she made the same face I'd make if someone just snatched my stash. For some reason, Fiona is still sitting in a cell right now.

Never mind that when Fiona was being put into a cuffs, drug dealers driving a van stuffed with 50 kilos of coke probably drove by, what in "Wednesday Addams working at a Footlocker" hell is she wearing? The cops aren't right for ruining Fiona's buzz and they really aren't right for letting homegirl get her picture taken looking like that.