Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?
TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you're going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she's also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger's mouth.
See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!
And here's the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time's most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty's fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke's stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma "Touched By A Plastic Surgeon" Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom's boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.
Parking space rivals Frank Ocean and Chris Brown were up against each other for the Best Urban Contemporary Album award and when Frank Ocean won, everybody stood up, because they stand up for EVERYTHING at the Grammys. Well, everybody stood up except for Fist Brown. I guess bitch doesn't love it when somebody beats him for a change. The truth is, everybody would've called The Difficult Brown a fake bitch if he did stand up for his parking space rival, but I'd like to think that he didn't stand up, because he gambled with a fart and lost in an Al Roker way and didn't want people to see it seeping through his pristine white pants.
But the best part of this moment (brought to us by Buzzfeed) isn't Fist Brown refusing to stand, it's the fact that Adele read him with just one simple side-eye. And she delivered it while wearing one of Mrs. Doubtfire's favorite outfits. Now that's some shit to stand up for.
Frank Ocean just ruined the party. Here I was ready to put on my cone party hat and throw the confetti as The Difficult Brown was dragged off to a jail cell in cuffs. But cancel the DJ, make your grandma a plate and roll up the dance floor, because the party has been canceled now that Frank Ocean is trying to be the bigger man by not pressing charges against Chris Brown. Boo you whore!
Right after Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a parking lot brawl, Frank was supposedly thinking about throwing charges at Fist Brown for punching him in the face. No charges will be thrown at Chris. Yesterday, Frank got all poetic when he said in a note on his site that he's going to forgive Chris Brown and move on without pressing charges, because he's a modern person and an artist and a sanity chooser.
AS A CHILD I THOUGHT IF SOMEONE JUMPED ME IT WOULD RESULT IN ME MURDERING OR MUTILATING A MAN. BUT AS A MAN I AM NOT A KILLER. I’M AN ARTIST AND A MODERN PERSON. I’LL CHOOSE SANITY. NO CRIMINAL CHARGES. NO CIVIL LAWSUIT. FORGIVENESS, ALBEIT DIFFICULT, IS WISDOM. PEACE, ALBEIT TRITE, IS WHAT I WANT IN MY SHORT LIFE. PEACE.
Meanwhile, Frank's producer Michael Uzowur wrote in a blog post on Formspring (via TMZ) that he thinks the whole thing was a set up. Frank showed up to the studio and found Chris Brown's Lamborghini parked in a space that was clearly marked with the name FRANK. When Chris Brown came out with his entourage, Frank told him to move his car. That's when a big dude in Chris' entourage fisted one of Frank's friends Chito in the face for no reason. As the big dude continued to bruise up Chito, Chris and Chris' friend pushed Frank into a glass candle display and tried to beat all the oceans out of his ass. Michael thinks that Chris planned it from the beginning.
Fighting over a parking spot and then breaking a glass candle display? Some fight! This mess sounds like a fight between your abuelita and my abuelita in front of a Hallmark store. (SPOILER ALERT: My abuelita wins by pulling your abuelita's dentures out.)
I don't know what's worse: Frank Ocean not kicking Chris Brown into a cell or Frank Ocean pressing the Kanye key on his laptop before typing the bad news to us. I can't look at you, Frank Ocean!
After Chris Brown and Frank Ocean battled to be the Queen of the Parking Space, The Difficult Brown used his hands to make this busted down, community college art class painting of Jesus and his back-up cross hangers. Fist Brown posted his painting on Instagram and added the note: "Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!" By the look of this painting, I'm guessing what really matters to Chris Brown is man abs, because DAMN he spent a lot of time with Jesus' rock hard ab biscuits and V muscle. Jesus take the ab wheel! But couldn't Jesus stop doing ab crunches for a minute so that he could dye his beard to match his hair? How are you going to spread the good word with a beard that is several shades lighter than your hair? Jesus would never work the two-tone look so this painting is a FRAUD!
While The Difficult Brown is off comparing himself to Jesus, the New York Post says that Frank Ocean is thinking about pressing charges against him. Frank still claims that Fist Brown threw the first punch that started the brawl. The L.A. County Sheriff's Department says that Chris Brown hasn't been hit with charges yet, but they are investigating. TMZ says that Fist Brown wants to talk to the police with his lawyer, because he claims he never hit anyone. The fight apparently started in the parking lot and then moved to the lobby where Chris Brown's dudes and Frank Ocean's dudes wrecked the whole place up. The surveillance footage from the lobby fight shows Team Breezy and Team Ocean creating waves in the lobby (Get it, because breezy + ocean = waves? Leave me alone, it's early!), but the video never shows Chris or Frank throwing a punch. There's no surveillance footage from the parking lot, so nobody knows who started it.
Chris Brown's lawyer should argue that his client could never throw a punch at Frank, because Frank doesn't have a vagina and tits. A valid argument! Not guilty! All charges dropped! But seriously, all of this over a stupid ass parking space? Everybody involved needs to have their licenses revoked and should be forced to take the bus from now on, because they are not worthy of any parking space. Slapping a trick over a parking space is just some dumb shit. When somebody steals your parking space, this is how you handle it:
Learn from Evelyn Couch. TOWANDA!
Because Chris Brown is still a throbbing pus-filled ass pimple that refuses to pop, he and his entourage got into a huge fight with Frank Ocean and Frank Ocean's entourage at the Westlake recording studio in West Hollywood last night. We all know that Chris Brown would karate chop a baby bunny in the froat if he thought that baby bunny was looking at him funny, but there's two sides to this mess of a story and one side says that Frank Ocean started it.
A member of Team Fist Brown tells TMZ that when Chris started to leave the studio last night, Frank stopped him and let the Difficult Brown know who's the head bitch of parking lot spaces by saying, "This is my studio, this is my parking lot." Chris apparently tried to smooth things over by shaking Frank's hand, but when he put his arm out, one of Frank's dudes attacked a bitch. That's when one of Fist Brown's dudes jumped in and went after Frank's friend. The police were called after Fist Brown and Frank Ocean started throwing fists at each other. Fist Brown took off before the police arrived, but Frank Ocean stayed to talk to them. Frank told the police that the fight started over a parking space and Fist Brown punched him in the face first. The police are calling Frank Ocean "the victim" because he stayed around to talk to them and the police want to have words with Fist Brown.
But Frank Ocean went on Twitter right after the brawl and said that The Difficult Brown is the one who started it by jumping him. (FYI: Everest is Frank Ocean's dog and he definitely would've handled that situation by side-eyeing a bitch out the exit door.)
The New York Post also co-signs Frank's statement. They heard from other witnesses that Fist Brown is the one who fisted Frank in the face first.
Hmmm, who to believe? Who to believe? A dude, who as far as I know doesn't have a history of beating people or a spoiled, dried up, bleached dingle berry who nearly punched his girlfriend's face off and throws daily tantrums over the dumbest shit? This is a hard one!
And I hope that while Frank and Fist Brown were brawling over who gets to park their $100,000 car in that parking space, a tow truck showed up, pulled Fist Brown's car out of that space and Angelyne drove her pink Corvette right into it. Because Angelyne is the true queen of parking spaces in L.A. Truth.
A couple of days ago, This Is Max posted a review of Odd Future member and singer-songwriter Frank Ocean's album Channel Orange and in their review they speculated that through his song lyrics he was opening up about how he gets the tingles for peen. Frank Ocean responded to the rumors last night by going on Tumblr and posting what was supposed to be the liner notes for his album, which he eloquently wrote last December while on a plane. Frank writes about the first time he wrapped his heart around another and that another was a 19-year-old dude. The whole thing is worth putting your eyeballs on, but here's a few pieces from it:
4 summers ago, I met somebody. I was 19 years old. He was too. We spent that summer, and the summer after, together. Everyday almost. And on the days we were together, time would glide. Most of the day I'd see him, and his smile. I'd hear his conversation and his silence ... until it was time to sleep. Sleep I would often share with him. By the time I realized I was in love, it was malignant. It was hopeless. There was no escaping, no negotiating with the feeling. No choice. It was my first love, it changed my life. Back then, my mind would wander to the women I had been with, the ones I cared for and thought I was in love with. I reminisced about the sentimental songs I enjoyed as a teenager.. The ones I played when I experienced a girlfriend for the first time. I realized they were written in a language I did not speak yet. I realized too much, too quickly. Imagine being thrown from a plane. I wasn't in a plane though. I was in a Nissan Maxima, the same one I packed up with bags and drove to Los Angeles in.
I sat there and told my friend how I felt. I wept as the words left my mouth. I grieved for them, knowing I could never take them back for myself. He patted my back. He said kind things. He did his best, but he wouldn't admit the same. He had to go back inside soon. It was late and his girlfriend was waiting for him upstairs. He wouldn't tell me the truth about his feelings for me for another 3 years. I felt like I'd only imagined reciprocity for years. Now imagine being thrown from a cliff. No, I wasn't on a cliff, I was still in my car telling myself it was gonna be fine and to take deep breaths. I took the breaths and carried on. I kept up a peculiar friendship with him because I couldn't imagine keeping up my life without him. I struggled to master myself and my emotions. I wasn't always successful.
Frank ended it with: "Thanks. To my mother, you raised me strong. I know I'm only braved because you were first ... so thank you. All of you. For everything good. I feel like a free man. If I listen closely ... I can hear the sky falling too."
Russell Simmons wrote on Global Grind this morning that this is a big day for hip-hop and it shouldn't be an issue anymore, but it is and he hopes Frank's words will help some youngins out there.
The Silver Fox came out on Monday, Frank Ocean came out on Tuesday and it's only Wednesday! The week is still young. Yes, John Travolta, that's your cue to start rehearsing your official "coming out" interpretive dance.