Gloria Allred

Earlier today, Elmo's former voice Kevin Clash turned his I QUIT THIS BITCH letter into Sesame Street's human resources office right after TMZ said that a second accuser filed a lawsuit against him. That second accuser, Cecil Singleton, is suing Kevin Clash for $5 million in damages, because he claims that dry humping on Kevin when he was just 15 years old left him emotionally scarred. Cecil and his lawyer held a press conference in NYC today and he wanted to make a few things clear: Elmo dry humped him, but they didn't do butt sex until years later.

Cecil, whose eyebrow situation tells me that he's all business, told reporters this afternoon that after meeting Kevin Clash on a gay chat line in 2003, they "dated" for about two weeks. During that two weeks, Kevin took him out to fancy dinners and sprinkled money all over him. Cecil and Kevin kissed, dry humped, fapped and groped on each other, but it never went beyond that. Cecil says he broke shit off, because Kevin wanted a more serious relationship and he wasn't ready for that. They kept in contact and after Cecil became legal, they took things all the way.

This is ten kinds of messy and I'm left with a million questions. Why is Kevin Clash doing this to us? Why were people still using phone chat lines in the year 2003? Why do I wish this can go to trial and be televised on CNN HD so I can watch Cecil Singleton whip his mane as he sashays up to the stand to testify? Is Cecil Singleton half unicorn or full unicorn? Is Cecil Singleton the name of a Tennessee Williams character, because it sounds like one? And more importantly, where is Gloria Allred in all of this?!

Gloria Allred should've sniffed Elmo's saliva on Cecil Singleton's ass from ten thousand miles away. Gloria would've made this press conference so much better. She would've made Cecil act out his relationship with Kevin Clash using a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Cecil Singleton made a huge mistake by not hiring the publicity stunt ringmaster that is Gloria Allred.

Samantha Brick feels her pain. Ringmaster of the press conference circus, Gloria Allred, took a little time out from defending massage therapists against John Travolta's wiggly anus and paraded her newest client in front of the cameras in NYC yesterday. Meet Laura Odes, a 29-year-old New Jersey woman who claims that her Orthodox Jew bosses fired her from her data entry position at Native Intimates, a Manhattan-based lingerie distributor, because she couldn't contain her natural sexy. Laura can't help that her magnificent chichis are always magnificent and her bosses weren't having that so they quit her two days after they hired her.

The bosses of that lingerie company must've had a temporary case of the can't sees the day they interviewed Laura, because on her first day of work, she came in with the same titties she had on the day they hired her. Laura told reporters that she was dressed like all of her other co-workers, but her organic sexiness obviously did things to her bosses, because they told her to bind her titties down Brandon Teena-style. Laura didn't do that, but the next day she wore the same outfit she wore to yesterday's press conference. Laura's beauty-hating supervisor told her she either needed to buy a long sweater dress that covered her ankles or wear a red bathrobe. Laura put on the robe and after her co-workers made fun of her, she left the office to buy a different outfit. While she was gone, her supervisor called her and told her not to come back. As Gloria Allred turned on the faux sympathy, her latest camera bait told reporters:

“When I was first told that I was too hot and that my breasts were too large, I was shocked. I thought that I was dressed appropriately every day for my job as a production assistant. I am Jewish as well and don’t feel any employer has the right to impose their religious beliefs on me."

Laura is suing for gender and religious discrimination.

Gloria Allred needs to spend less time at trying to do herself up like Nancy Pelosi and more time at acting school. I know bitch is trying hard to look like she cares by picturing Laura (who sort of looks like a Lorax Baby Spice to me) as a giant bag of money, but it's not working. If Laura was really fired for having big, beautiful titties, then I hope she wins and gets everything. But if there's one thing I know about law, it's that if you want your case to look credible, do not hire Gloria Allred. Not today. Not ever.