Hot Slut of the Day

The brave bitch Dachshund who is really serious about oral hygiene (and eating steak slime) and the lion who let it slurp the gunk of his teeth.

See, we can all get along! That lion could easily swallow that Dachshund whole and pull its skeleton out with his paw like in the cartoons, but he laid there like a patient patient and let that dentist dog to its job. That Dachshund dentist gets into it too. That dog gets all up in that lion's mouth and isn't letting one piece of meat get away. Just when I think I've seen it all, I see a Dachshund sucking off a lion's tooth.

This might be the closet I'll ever get to seeing a Chantal Biya sex tape.

via Towleroad

The stunningly luscious cascade of deep fried polyester curls and the clip-on bangs that Mary Murphy wore on her head on Tuesday night's episode of So You Think You Can Dance! 

Millions of people nearly overdosed on beauty and glamour on Tuesday night when the shaved Capybara on caffeine pills that is Mary Murphy hit the screens. Mary looked like an electrocuted Cocker Spaniel getting attacked by a mob of guinea pigs. You're doing beauty right when you've got 31 colors of hair on your head and five different hairstyles.

The top of Mary Murphy's head looks like the fake hair section at Sally's Beauty supply. You can go shopping for fake hair on Mary's head. If you want straight clip-on bangs, Mary's head has it! If you want dehydrated spiral curl weave tracks, Mary's head has it and it has it in several colors.

The Hot Tamale Train has crashed into a truck full of corkscrew pasta and lasagna noodles and Mary Murphy has never looked hotter because of it.

via Mercury News (For Patrick)

Up until a few days ago, I thought that Cinn-A-Burst was still something you could buy in a store until the awful, horrific, life-changing, tongue-wrenching, nasty-tasting truth burst in my eyes: you can't. Cinna-A-Burst and its cousins, Mint-A-Burst and Fruit-A-Burst, died in the 2000s and I should've known this way earlier, because I have noticed that many sad, looking people aimlessly wander the streets while mumbling to themselves, "Now, where am I going to find a hard stick that bursts in my mouth?"

Cinn-A-Burst was this gum from the 90s and 2000s and it had tiny flavor-locking crystals (didn't everything have flavor-locking crystals in it in the 90s?) that burst in your mouth when chewed on them. It was kind of like chewing on low-grade sandpaper covered in cinnamon powder.

People used to say that if you chewed the wrapper with the gum, it made the gum spicier. I did it once and didn't really notice any difference, but some people always did it. I'm guessing that paper took years to digest and just now people are getting all nostalgic and shit while pooping out Cinn-A-Burst gum wrappers.

Dr. Carrie Roman (as played by Betty Gilpin) from Nurse Jackie!

Dr. Carrie Roman is new to Nurse Jackie this year and she's already become one of my favorites, because she really doesn't give four shits about shit, probably got her medical degree from WebMD, screws other doctors on the job, rolls her eyeballs before she sees every patient, is allergic to getting up early, is a nut crusher, loves the word "cunt" and is an ice cold ice queen who was cut from the same block of ice as January Jones.

And since Dr. Carrie Roman sort of gives me young Marcia Cross vibes, I've told myself that she's the secret love child of Dr. Kimberly Shaw and Dr. Michael Mancini. I demand a DNA test! If during the season finale, Dr. Carrie Roman goes crazy and blows up All Saints, we'll know for sure she's the spawn of Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Alexis Normand, the Canadian songbird who completely and utterly butchered and gutted the US National Anthem at the 2013 Memorial Cup Game on Saturday. It takes a special kind of Hot Slut to make the Star Spangled Banner sound like it was written by an internet spambot. Girl wasn't even close and the terrified look on her face (like she just shit the bed and rolled in it) says it all. Alexis later apologized and said that she only got a quick minute to learn the song:

“I’m embarrassed and deeply sorry. I wish I’d had more time to learn the American anthem. I was asked (Saturday) morning and I agreed. I’m usually a quick study and I’ve been learning songs for a long time. I had learned all the lyrics, but nerves just got the best of me and I got really nervous and it all unwound from there."

If I had to learn "O Canada!" in one morning, I too would sound like a salad spinner of jumbled words. But girl should've brought flash cards or written the lyrics on her hand with a Sharpie or something! That being said, I hope she sings the Star Spangled Banner (more like the Star Mangled Banner) at every game in the US from now on, because this shit is hilarious.

Rev, Adele's biggest and most talented fan!

Rev's owner writes in the YouTube description of this video that ever since Rev was a puppy, he's serenaded him with Bob Dylan's "Make You Feel My Love" and now it's Rev's emotional anthem. When Rev woke up for a nap one day, his owner played Adele's cover of his favorite song and the raw emotion started pouring out of him. So soulful, so heartbreaking, so real.... You can really feel the sorrow in Rev's heart as he howls a sad love song to the piece of bacon that got away.

If Adele ever needs a comparable talent to fill in for her at one of her shows, she knows where to find Rev (tip: he'll be sleeping on the carpet side of the living room).

via VVV

Cezar, the operatic vampire songbird who will screech out Romania's official song at the Eurovision finals in Sweden tonight.

Shards of broken disco balls, rhinestone-covered swan feathers and pink chandelier crystals are blowing through the air in Europe today, because tonight is the Eurovision finals. Eurovision always shows us what Liberace's gastroenterologist saw during his colonoscopy. It's full of THEATER, DRAMA and tons of fucking sequins.  While I appreciate the Katy Perry-like STUNT QUEEN moves of Finland's entry (she kisses a chick at the end), my favorite finalist so far is Cezar from Romania.

While wearing one of Adam Lambert's housecoats, the castrated vampire nightingale hollered out high-pitched musical notes during Thursday's semi-finals. This is what it sounds like when doves cry:

If all the vampires in Twilight looked and sounded like this, I'd probably be a stage 4 Twihard.

Darcel Leonard Wynne, one of the original Solid Gold dancers!

Darcel started swishing and swaying her ass on Solid Gold's first official episode in 1980 and quickly became the twerkin gazelle in a sequined headband that everyone wanted to see. She left the show for a second in 1984 to tour with a traveling Christian ministry, but came back the next year and was promoted from lead swisher to part-time MC.

Darcel had moves like a swan in heat, could work a leotard almost better than Richard Simmons and RiRi should take note, because she knew how to accessorize her infinity head of dreams the right way.

Grab a moist towelette to clean up the drool that will dribble out of your eyes and skip to the 6:39 mark to watch Cynthia Bailey's face twin in action:

If all of us had moves like that, the rent would always be paid on time.

The French waitress at a 50s diner who celebrated marriage equality in France by jumping on a banquette to tell all her customers that she's a lesbian and can get married now! This is so dramatique that if Anne Hathaway was a French waitress at a 50s diner, this is what her coming out would look like. I kept waiting for dramatic music to swell into my ears when she threw her arms out.

And the bald dude in front of her is totally like, "That's wonderful and everything, but where's my pie?"

via Good As You 

Mama Buzzard from a bunch of Looney Tunes cartoons!

The other day, while writing about Anne Hathaway's bashful-eyed mute husband, I compared him to the true biological father of Audrina Patridge, Beaky Buzzard (aka The Bashful Buzzard). That made me think of Beaky Buzzard's hot mom Mama Buzzard. Mama Buzzard was a big Greek bitch who didn't give three shits that she only had two hairs on her head and wouldn't put up with Beaky Buzzard being a bashful ho. Since I was basically Beaky Buzzard all through school and on the first day of preschool I begged my dad to let me stay home, Mama Buzzard was my worst nightmare. Bitch made bitches do shit.

And can somebody please tell me the kind of weed Beaky Buzzard is smoking?